Ro3: The Inquisition

Joan twisted the top off another beer and handed it to Jessica. She pounded it back like it was water and dropped the empty bottle to the ground, shaking her head. Rick awkwardly tried to avoid making eye-contact with her, but occasionally his eyes would dart towards her breasts. Was that 'Puck' then, or could he just not help himself? She didn't think Rick would exactly welcome the stabs of pain that would come with even the slightest of erections.

“One more time, please?” Jessica requested, her voice laden with incredulity.

“There was a chemical leak downstairs,” Joan explained. “Rick here had advanced WHMIS training and says that standard procedure is not to let anyone in or out until environmental control can make it so that we don't spread any trace amounts of anything into the neighbourhood.”

“Which is why he decided to run at the door screaming at me when I came in?”

“Pretty much,” responded Rick. “Although you really just summed up the extent of my social skills when it comes to women.”

“But why are you naked?”

“My poor social skills?” Rick offered, but Jessica obviously wasn't buying it. “My clothes got covered in the stuff, and Joan doesn't have anything in my size. I don't know how you ladies fit into those skinny jeans.”

Joan shifted awkwardly. This was the most unbelievable story she'd ever heard of, but it was all they were able to come up with when Jessica put them on the spot like that. It had taken forever to calm her down after Rick's pitiful attempt at keeping her out of the house, and then came the questions they hadn't been ready for, they hadn't expected a kind of Spanish inquisition. Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition. She had kept arguing with their explanations, but fortunately she was stressed enough that she had been willing to take a beer whenever it was offered. She sat there shaking her head now, but had lost much of the will to argue with them.

Hopefully, their poor scenario combined with her minor intoxication would be just enough to keep her from questioning why she couldn't will herself to leave the house. She glanced over at the chain lying in front of the door to the backyard and wished she could simply walk over and pick it up, sadly no matter how much will she put into it her body simply refused to listen to her. If it hadn't been for the stuff Shannon had shown her earlier she wouldn't have believed something like this was possible.

“Look, why don't you just go join the party and wait patiently like everyone else. Have a few drinks and dance a little to take the edge off, just don't talk to anyone about the leak. It took long enough to get everyone calmed down after it happened,” Joan explained, praying she sounded convincing. 

Jessica acquiesced and slowly left the kitchen, but not without without glancing suspiciously over her shoulder. Joan let out a sigh of relief when she disappeared from sight and turned to Rick, “Think she bought it?”

“Would you?” Asked Rick, only to follow up by saying, “Women are weak willed pushies, a bit of catnip and she'll be purring shoon enough,” in a somewhat elegant Scottishy accent that she knew him to be incapable of. If Rick was telling true then that would be Puck. The borderline naked boy looked about as uncomfortable at having Puck speak out of his mouth as she felt just hearing him. Rick gave a sympathetic shrug, “at least he kept quiet while Jessica was around.”

“Just who or what is he supposed to be, anyway? You said that witch put him inside of you, right? She must have had a reason besides getting you to put those chains down, but I doubt he's about to admit to his every motive.” Joan mulled over it, trying to place the name. She knew she'd heard it before but it took her a moment to place it. “Do you think he's the same Puck from Shakespeare?”

“Shakeshpeare was an ashhole, and don't talk about me like I'm not here! Yeah, it is a little rude Joan,” responded Rick, switching seamlessly between the two voices.

“Rick, it's an alien entity sealed inside your body by a malevolent witch.”

“Yeah, but... Still. If you two ladiesh are done talking, perhapsh we can conshentrate on more important thingsh. Like getting my ring back. Ladies? Dude, it's not that small. And we're in the same body! Believe me, that'sh infantile. Mine danglesh between my knees. Oh, wow!Too bad I didn't wind up in your body. You should come over shome time, I'll let you give it a tesht ride.”

Joan could feel herself going crosseyed trying to follow their conversation. It was a bit like watching a one man show. “Rewind a second, did you say your ring? I thought it was supposed to be that magic ring lady's...”

“The wench shtole it from me a couple hundred yearsh ago, which wash a shame shince it made it really eashy to sheduce the ladiesh. There wash thish one girl who wash in to long necksh sho I turned myshelf into a shwan and I...” Rick, or Puck or whatever, paused at the impatient look she was giving him, or them or whatever. “Ah... Never mind.

“A couple hundred years? So... Ring girl has an immortality ring too?”

“Don't be shtupid. Yeah, an immortality ring? Really Joan? She wash immortal long before she shtarted collecting baublesh. Yeah. Wait, what?” Rick managed to look simultaneously annoyingly smug and confused. “Napea ish very powerful, but she delightsh in playing gamesh with people. If she really wanted she could have killed everyone who got in her way with her bare handsh, but she prefersh to put limitationsh on hershelf. She'sh jusht ushing the jewelry to make thingsh more intereshting.”

Joan suppresed a shiver as the implications hit home. “She's some kind of a goddess then?”

“Not quite, but you'd be wrong if you thought that makesh her lesh dangerous. Firsht thingsh firsht though, you should get me the ring of three. I at leasht know how to ushe it properly.” Rick and Joan shared a look as they tried to puzzle out whether or not Puck was on the level. They were uncertain of his motives, to say the least, but trapped in the house as they were he was their best shot for salvation. “Alright, but you have to do something for me first. And what ish that exactly? Just say 'we meet again, Trebek'... We meet again, Trebek.” Rick started laughing so hard his eyes began watering, “Oh my god... Classic.”

*written by FK