"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

"To be honest, that's always sounded like the dumbest line in the world to me. But I'll say this, love means finding a way to forgive you when 'sorry' isn't nearly good enough." You look up, eyes glistening with hopeful tears as Vanessa smiles down on you. "Which doesn't mean we're even remotely close to me forgiving you by the way! But while you're working out how to deserve me, I'll be working on a way to accept your apology, and you know, maybe try to become as awesome as you seem to think I am, you little lovable loser."

This is the part where she kisses you and the score swells and the camera spins around and the credits roll and ever one ends up happily ever after. But that only works in the movies because they don't have to show what happens next. They don't have the running time for the hours of awkward silence as you complete your chores and Vanessa tries to get started on forgiving you but half wishes she just told you to fuck off and die. Instead you have to stay put and live, and that's a Hell of a lot harder.

You wish you could just fuck. That always helped things back in the salad days of your relationship. It feels like only yesterday...when it was actually just this morning. You kick yourself for your impulsiveness, but your whole relationship is built on rash decisions. Now that you have time to think, your brain is back in fine form, making you second guess yourself, making you doubt yourself, making you hate yourself and blame everyone else for it, with Vanessa being top of the list. And so the cycle of self sabotage starts again..."Sorry, nope. I am not going to keep doing the same shit and expecting different results. A pretty speech isn't going to keep us together. We need to actually talk about this. And I think I need to hear you apologize too."

As gambits go, it certainly is a novel one. Vanessa goes from awkward and insular to volcanic anger, "Apologize?! For fucking what?! For being the umpteenth person in a day to offer let you suck my cock? For helping you realize what you already knew deep down? For making you my gurlfriend and opening up to you and letting you stab me in the fucking heart and then trying to give you another chance just so you could throw it in my face?! Is that what you want me to apologize for you fucking..." she swallows the slur, but she might as well have screamed it.

"For starters, how about you apologize for all of that. It wasn't fair! I wasn't ready to find out I was whatever you were about to yell at me! I don't even know what that is! And it's not fair to hold that over me to keep me close while not letting me really in. Fuck you for tricking me into loving you and fuck you for loving me back. It wasn't fair! And just because it turns me on when you bully me doesn't mean you get to do it whenever you want. It should only be done with love, only when I know I can trust you. And fuck you for bringing me to my first sex shop and letting a hung hottie take me in back as a part of a what? A test? A game? I fucked up and I failed and I will spend forever trying to make up for that but you didn't have to put me in that situation before I was ready for it."

Vanessa is inches from your face, her face twisted with a deeper well of hurt than she's ever shown you. "When you were ready?! When was that going to be, Ella?! I have spent years alone. Terrified of what people would say if they saw the real me. Ashamed and aroused at what I had to do to make ends meet after I got kicked out for trying to become myself and hating myself for how horny and hollow it makes me feel. I tried so many times to tell you. Even when I brought you home I couldn't bring myself to really be honest because I knew you would find a way to push me away. Cindi isn't my crush, just like she isn't yours. She's just some girl you want to fuck. You were always the one. But every time...EVERY. FUCKING. TIME I tried to connect to you, you'd look at me like I was some kind of freak, which let's face it...I am."

You think back to all the times she 'picked on' you in the past by trying to get you alone. All the times she 'teased' you by acting like she liked you. You were always so sure it was prank. You knew the moment you let your guard down she'd start laughing...that she'd pull the football away. "I'm sorry. I thought you were just...No. No, that's not entirely true. A part of me recognized that you were genuine, and it terrified me. I should have given you a chance then. But..."

Vanessa squeezes your hand, "But I should have been braver too. I shouldn't have tricked you. I'm sorry. And I know I don't have to bully you to keep you close, though you are just the cutest thing when you're squirming. I...I shouldn't have put you in that situation back at the shop. It doesn't excuse..." her voice cracks with raw rage, "but that doesn't excuse me either. I'm not ready to forgive a lot of things apparently. But...I am willing to apologize. It's a start, right? And maybe we can come up with a safe word when I'm bullying you too much? And if you want to take off the cage..."

You put a finger to her lips and to your surprise she sighs instead of biting it clean off. "Let's not be too hasty. I kind of want to keep the cage for now at least." You blush and feel the familiar frustrating friction of flesh against steel. "As for a safe word, how about 'bitch, please'?"

Vanessa laughs loudly, half sobbing, "HA HAA SNNRT SNIFF I will fucking **** you if you every say that to me, you little...cutie. How about, 'rhutabega'?" The silliness of the oddly specific root vegetable makes you both crack up and finally break down into bawling, breathless tears. You hold each other tight, your hearts beating against each others chests as you hang on for dear life. The score doesn't swell and you still hear the nagging doubts whispering the back of your head, but you know you have more than 90 minutes to figure out the rest of your lives together.

It's at least that long if not longer that you remain clasped tightly around each other, calming the worst of the shaking sobs and stifled screams of a lifetime spent not being ready to love, not even yourselves. Finally, you are ready to try, but there is something you need to do first. You are both thinking it, but Vanessa is the first to say it...