In the Shadow of Yesterday

Pausing, expecting that she had simply misheard him, Ashley couldn’t believe that Zack wanted to break up with her, now of all times. Not after she accidentally fucked Kurt, or stroked Gavin while Victoria sat on his face, or when she let Lisa fuck him, or when after the drunken foursome, but now, after they’d just started getting on better and hadn’t even seen each other all day. There had been many reasons for Zack to break up with her, their relationship hadn’t exactly been easy and admittedly she’d made some foolish decisions, but nothing up to this point had caused Zack to end their relationship. So, why now?

When Zack didn’t continue or correct himself, Ashley was left speechless to wonder what could have happened in the last twenty-four hours to cause him such concern that he’d finally decided enough was enough. Of course, the obvious answer, kicking herself she hadn’t realised already, was that Gavin had no doubt told Zack about what had happened the night before, just as he said he would. But Gavin also claimed he would take the blame, since he was the one who had crept into Heather’s room and mistakenly fucked Ashley. But the best friend hadn’t done a very good job of making Zack understand that he was the one at fault if Zack was here breaking up with her.

She shook her head, seething, making a mental note to talk to Gavin later, and explained, “Look, if this is about last night, I don’t know what Gavin told you, but he’s the one who came and found me. He was fucking me when I woke up and then I was just so riled up that, yeah, I masturbated in front of him, but that was it, and then I went straight back to bed.”

“That doesn’t make you look any better you know,” Zack told her, his face hard and still. “Like touching yourself in front of another man is no big deal.”

“After everything I’ve done, the mistakes ‘I’ have made, yeah, this is pretty small fry,” Ashley scoffed, folding her arms tight against her chest. “If Gavin hadn’t snuck into Heather’s room, nothing would have happened. Out side of this one event I’ve been faithful to you for two days.”

“I’m not sure two days is anything to be proud of,” Zack said, grimacing. “I mean, if it’s that much of a struggle to stay faithful to your boyfriend, then maybe it’s a sign we shouldn’t be together.”

“Zack, please, I realise that I messed up and I’ve been trying to do better.” Ashley shook her head, her irritated voice becoming melancholy as she saw how set Zack was on the idea of breaking up. “Please, don’t throw this away because of one accident.”

“Was it an accident though?” Zack asked, narrowing his eyes. “Are you sure there’s nothing going on between you and Gavin?”

“Me and Gavin?” Ashley balked, incredulous. “Why would you even think that?”

“He seems to be a recurring character in your infidelity lately. Last night, the night we searched for Victoria and the night before that, when you found him jacking off into your underwear,” Zack listed, counting them on his fingers. “I wrote them off as coincidences because, until last night, other people were always involved. But now I see that the common factor is him and you, and you wanted it.”

“Oh, did I now?” Ashley sneered, hurt that Zack seemed to have made up his mind already. “Since you’re so all-knowing, tell me how I wanted it then?”

“You admitted it during the ‘Never Have I Ever’ game, or do you deny that?” Zack revealed, staring Ashley down. “Gavin told me himself what you said, that you wished it had been you sitting on his face. Not Victoria, you. You wanted it.”

The news staggered the small blonde. Gavin was supposed to take the blame and instead he was telling Zack all about what Ashley supposedly wanted. Ok, yes, she’d said those things, in a game, whilst half-drunk, to win, but it wasn’t like she desired sitting on Gavin’s face above anything else. Gavin was a great guy with a good heart, but Zack was the man she wanted. She would be satisfied to sit on his face and no one else’s, and she’d been trying very hard to make that happen if only she could get him to see that.

If only Gavin hadn’t thrown her under the bus by revealing her answers during the game. Why would he do that? The only reason that Ashley could imagine was that Gavin had feelings of his own for her. Perhaps Zack was half right, that their repeated encounters had caused Gavin to become infatuated with her, and he was using this opportunity to tear her and Zack apart in order to have her to himself. But whatever he thought was going on between them was completely one-sided. She underlined the mental note to definitely talk to him later.

Ashley bowed her head and looked away. “It was just a game. What I said…didn’t mean anything.”

“Except it was the truth,” Zack said assuredly. “This was before Lisa, before we decided to take the pressure off and re-evaluate. I could accept that maybe you were trying to help out your friends and got caught up in the moment. I didn’t like it, but I count get on board with it. But to learn that you didn’t just go along with it, but actively desired to be in Victoria’s place. Even before you took the opportunity to indulge in those the desires the next night, the first chance since we separated, you were lusting after other men.”

“No, it’s only you,” she insisted, tears rising in her eyes. “I don’t know what feelings Gavin has for me, but whatever ideas he’s planted in your head, they’re wrong. I only want you.”

“How can I trust you?” Zack asked sincerely. “I don’t want to live my life, always wondering if you secretly want someone else, waiting on the day you act on it because you just couldn’t help yourself and begging for forgiveness.”

“That won’t happen, I swear,” Ashley took a step towards him and reached out for his hand, but he flinched away. “Gavin is just trying to break us up…”

“No, he’s not. He’s not in love with you, if that’s what you’re thinking. Gavin only told me these things after I questioned him and pressured him into revealing what you said,” Zack elaborated, the picture he was painting contrasting with the only logical reason Ashley could fathom for Gavin’s actions. “It was Victoria who got me wondering, who said there was something going on between you two. She said that she saw it during that threesome when you caught Gavin with your panties.”

Ashley froze again, thrown for another loop. Victoria was angry with her this morning, but so angry that she’d sabotage her relationship with Zack? Maybe she had seen something, or thought she saw something, but that was no excuse to go filling Zack’s head with unsubstantiated claims. If Victoria thought there was something going on she could come to her, her best friend, and ask, and Ashley would give her the same honest answer she was giving Zack that there was nothing going on between her and Gavin. No feelings. No nothing.

“She’s lying,” Ashley said firmly.

“I know,” Zack replied calmly, surprising her. “She admitted to lying on the way home. At the time I wasn’t aware of that, so I went to Gavin for more information. She also told me that you sent her to me the other night, to fuck me, just like the deal you made with Lisa, except that one didn’t work out because I didn’t wake up.”

Ashley’s jaw dropped and she shook her head frantically, the first thing all night she knew absolutely wasn’t true. The rest maybe could be misconstrued or misunderstood, but that was nothing but a bald-faced lie. Still the question was why, why make up such a lie? Being angry over Ashley’s opposition to dating Kurt, to acting out sexually and refusing to talk about what happened at the apartment didn’t seem to warrant this kind of response. Shaking her head, still in disbelief, but also to compose herself, she looked up at Zack’s face.

“That is so not true,” Ashley told him unequivocally. “There was never any such deal with Victoria.”

“I know, like I said, she admitted it was a lie,” Zack shrugged casually, before setting his eyes upon her again, staring back, pained. “But you did know that she fucked me.”

“No…not at the time,” Ashley’s voice fell. “I only learned about it yesterday and by then it didn’t seem to matter so much. I was more focused on freeing Lisa and by the end of the day we were getting on again, so it didn’t seem like something I need to tell you. Are you really that bothered that Victoria accidentally fucked you in your sleep? Why am I getting the blame for it?”

“It doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is that you kept it from me. Victoria was embarrassed, fine, but you were willing to keep the secret just to keep the peace between us,” Zack snapped, frustrated at Ashley’s refusal to even realise what she was doing. “Again, I ask, in light of that, how do you expect me to trust you?”

“Because all you have is other people’s accusations and the fact that I’ve made some mistakes makes those accusations easier to stick, but they’re false. I don’t have feelings for Gavin and there was no conspiracy to keep anything from you,” Ashley retorted, ****. “I don’t know why Victoria said those things, but I bet it has something to do with Shawn and whatever happened in that apartment. He’s got her acting all strange and…”

“Yes, that’s true too. I don’t know the whole story, but you can ask Kurt. She told him everything. And that’s why she told me the truth about her lies on the way home,” Zack confirmed, watching Ashley become even more crestfallen.

“Then why won’t you believe me?” She half-shouted. “Why do you insist on breaking up when everyone else has lied and misled you? Why am I the one you can’t trust?”

“The means by which I came by this information was bad. Victoria lied to me, to cause a rift between us, but it was those lies that led me to question Gavin about what happened between you two, and that led to the truth,” Zack said, stretching out his arm and pointing at a wall, metaphorically towards the rest of the cabin, to some unnamed space where Gavin was. “I know you wanted to do those things with him. Drunk or not, game or not, those were your words, and I have to sit here and wonder whether they meant anything or not, and even if they didn’t, how am I to be sure that you really mean any of your words? This is the dilemma that I’m in, trying to decide how true my girlfriend’s words are…and honestly, I’m just tired.”

“Then rest,” She insisted, but losing hope. “Sleep on it.”

“And the cycle begins again,” Zack argued, letting his arm drop to his side wearily. “We’ve put so much into this relationship that I think neither of us wants to admit that it’s a failure. But it is, Ash. It’s better if we just part now before one of us really gets hurt and one of us has to leave, just like Brandon did.”

“No, no, this can’t be it. I won’t let it end like this, because of a bunch of lies and misunderstandings. I love you, Zack. I want you. I don’t care if we break up, if you want to end this. I’m not going to stop. I won't stop loving you. I’m going to prove to you that I’m the only one for you. I’m going to make you see that all this garbage of lies and mistakes between us doesn’t matter. It’s you and me. That’s all that’s worth a damn, and it’s worth fighting for, so I’m going to fight, and you’ll see. I won’t let Victoria tear us apart like this because of Shawn. That’s a bullshit excuse. Shawn didn’t **** her to lie. This is on her…this is….”

Ashley’s voice trailed off, her furious tone being replaced with gritted, gnashing teeth, as the small blonde, intimating in her anger, stomped towards the door. She yanked it open, ignoring Zack’s questions of where she was going as stalked off down the hall, fists clenched angrily by her side. Zack hadn’t expected her to take it well, but the final outburst was worse than even he anticipated. Hurrying, he followed after her, hoping he could stop her before any real damage could be done.