Big Sister's Got You

After a time you finally lay down on top of Fiona's blankets, your left arm lay up by your head. A shiver runs down your body. You were half naked and feeling cool. You didn't care.

You lay staring at the ceiling. Your pleasant, though too intense, high had flipped to a seriously bad trip. You berate yourself, you **** yourself...you hate yourself.

You were so stupid. You were so weak. You were a worthless piece of shit.

Fiona should hate you, all you'd done to fuck with her today. You were such a fuck up. Your mother should hate you, knocking her up like you did. You weren't ready for parenthood, you'd be a miserable failure and screw up your own kid. Your mother would hate you once she learned how bad you were. Surely Peg and Chloe would soon see how horrible you were now that they'd be living here. They should hate you too. Your grandparents should definitely hate you. Now they'll hate everyone and it was ALL YOUR FAULT! You were a failure and a disappointment to the whole family. Even Elsie...even Elsie should hate you. You stole her looks, her uniqueness, you stole who she was. You got everything from the procedure and she got nothing. Now you were holding her back from finding a partner she truly deserved.

You wept and you wept. This pit of loneliness was only what you knew you deserved. You were separated from the others like you ought to be. You didn't deserve a family like them!

After you have no idea how long you hear the door open once more. It had gotten darker since you'd been there but it still wasn't pitch black. Fiona enters and closes and locks the door behind her. You continue staring at the roof, tears flowing freely from your eyes. You remain silent.

Your older sister makes her way to the right side of the bed and sits down with a long frustrated sigh. She turns on her bedside lamp.

She turns suddenly, her movement betraying her anger that she still had within her. "Jesse, why the fuck did you go and do that? I know you're high but what the fuck were you thinking? Giving Grandpa a fucking strip show? Practically fucking El right in front of him? Was Chloe supposed to be giving him a lap dance? Fucking hell you three are idiots!" Her harsh words were a scourge across your soul, you knew you deserved no better.

You lay on your back, continuing to stare at the ceiling without actually seeing it. In a harsh whisper you manage to say. "I know...I know...you hate me. I don't...You're right...I fucked up....I hate me too!" You can't stop yourself sobbing. Openly painfully sobbing. You actually hoped she hit your right now for acting like such a little bitch.

Fiona is quiet a moment as she sees you in your despair. She sees just what a state you were in. You hurt, you hurt down to your very soul. And you were scared too. The **** totally convincing you your whole life was crashing down around you. She says. "Oh Jesse...oh Jesus."

You feel as she fumbles a second with the cuff and suddenly you are free, though you don't move. You hear her voice, her gentle voice. "Christ, I shouldn't have left you alone like this."

In your weeping you turn away from her. "I deserve to be alone."

Fiona sighs once again. Sitting up at the head of the bed, her back against the headboard, she reaches over and guides you back toward her. Her hand guiding you by the shoulder. You don't resist her. "You're cold Jesse, why didn't you get under the covers?" You don't answer.

She lays your head on her thigh. Reaching beside her bed she takes a folded extra blanket she kept there and throws it over you and tucks it around you, it felt so soft against your cold skin. You sniffle and sob into her leg, your hands grasping onto it like a life preserver.

Fiona strokes your hair and says in a soothing tone. "Shhhh, it's okay Jesse. I've got you. Big sister's got you baby, big sister's got you. Everything's going to be okay. Shhhhh."

Had your head been screwed on right just then you would have marveled at this never before heard tone from her, right now you were nearly inconsolable and not in your right mind.

She continues stroking and soothing you, speaking very softly. "Shhhh, it's okay Jesse. You hear me? Everything's going to be okay."

You blubber. "You're angry."

She is quiet a time before she says. "Yeah, I am. I've never been so angry at you Jesse."

You wail. "You hate me! I'm such a fucking useless...."

"Shhhhh." Her gentle hand running over your hair and back helps stave off the rising panic and self hatred rising within you. She continues her calm soothing tone. "Jesse, you could never make me so mad that I'd hate you. It's just not possible." She strokes, she pets, she caresses. "I love you Jesse. Nothing on this earth could change that."

You bury your face in her leg and weep bitter tears. You didn't deserve a sister like Fiona.

She continues her soft verbal easy assuaging. "It's the ****. You're going to be okay Jesse, you're okay. You're safe, you're loved, and big sister is here for you. I'll help you through this."

You grip her leg, your tears now soaking the thick fabric of her dress. Another pang of self pity grips you, you try to push away from her. "Go, be with Allison! You should be happy. Not here with your useless sister..."

She holds you tight to her. Taking your cheek in her hand she tilts your face up toward hers. She smiles a gentle patient smile. "I'm not going anywhere Jesse. I am right where I want to be right now. I am right where I need to be."

Your tears begin again redoubled. You turn back and cry into her thigh, holding onto it with all your strength. You cry and you cry and you cry. Fiona's soft hands and soothing words there with you in every moment. You let out a soul rending moan. "I love you so much Fiona! I am so sorry!"

She shushes you and leans down to hug you tight. "I love you too Jesse, I love you too."

Patiently she waits for you to cry yourself out. Always soothing, always stroking, always hugging. You don't hear many of her words but you catch enough to understand their meaning. Her constant supportive presence helps you slowly work your way through the darker shadows of your psyche. As you finally come out the other end she is there waiting for you.

You turn to look up at her loving face. "God...that was scary." You were still breathing fast and shaking slightly but the negative feelings were definitely starting to dissipate.

She smiles. "Now you know why I don't fuck around with that stuff. I want to stay in control." She adds. "Besides...my body is a fucking temple."

You stare up at her and say from the bottom of your heart. "Thank you Fiona."

She leans down and kisses you lightly on the forehead. "Anytime Jesse, anytime." She then adds. "I'm still mad at you though but...that can wait."

She continues stroking your head and staring down at you. She has a funny look on her face. "It is so surreal knowing it is you in there Jesse. You and El...you're identical! It is so uncanny."

You sniffle and grin. "Better looking though, eh?" You quip.

"Honestly...I liked you more when you were cross dressing. You were fucking HOT!" She laughs. "Oh my god, that night in the tent. Whooo, I get steamed up just thinking about it. I never expected you to look so good."

This draws a laugh from you. "What? You're kidding!"

She shakes her head. "No, I'm not kidding. God damn Jesse. You were one smoking hot little trap. Nice tight ass, slim, good skin, feminine face, cute little cock. Smokin fuckin hot I am telling you, smokin fuckin hot!" She laughs again, the flush in her cheeks tell you she isn't lying. "Allison thought so too. She might have been insulting you, but I'm telling you her panties were wet for you. We talked about it. She pulled that streaking stunt mostly for your forgiveness, but also partially just to get with you again."

You burst out in a round of giggles. "I can't believe this! Ha ha ha ha!"

She is laughing along. "You were a cutie. I would have had my leash on you so fast if you hadn't of transformed...and of course if El hadn't of snatched you up." She strokes your cheek. "You think I'm joking, but I'm not. You could have had anyone but the straightest of straights."

You were flattered! That wasn't you anymore, but still. You look up at her, your face getting serious. "Elsie and I...we don't mind...if you want to be with us. I can still be on your leash." You are then very serious. "If you and Allison don't..."

She pats you cheek. "Allie and I are doing just fine thank you very much. Thanks to you and your boneheaded ideas."

You both start laughing once more. You blurt out. "That's right! That was me too wasn't it? Me and my ideas."

She chuckles. "They certainly stir things up. I still can't believe you invited Chloe into the house." Leaning down she kisses you again. "You tired? Why don't we get some rest. Let you sleep this off."

You stare up at her with deeply heartfelt love. In a soft little voice you say. "We don't have to go to sleep yet...if you don't want to."