Loot the goblins then hit the road

Like any committed gamer, you turned your attention to looting whilst your companions were still busy. Squatting down ton inspect a goblin carcass, you were a little relieved to see that it was more "gamey" than it first appeared. Whilst the outside was realistically rendered, the bisected interior was mostly just non-descript blood red, with white for bone in the middle that was meant to represent the thing's spine.

Nudging it over with your toe, you began to search it for loot, only to stop as quickly as you started. The thing was naked except for a grass skirt, you could see at a glance everything that it carried. The only thing the goblin might have had on it was a sharp stick and a couple of pointy rocks. The next few bodies you nudged at were similar, and by the time the others stopped reading the FAQ, you'd found only a single necklace on a worn string.

"What are you doing, John?" Miranda asked, crossing her arms over her full chest in revulsion.

"He's looting," Tom answered for you, grabbing up a headless cadaver by the shoulders. "This is what you do after a fight." Holding the corpse by the wrists like a freshly caught fish, he shook it vigorously. A few leaves fell from it's skirt, but no treasure.

Miranda held her hands protectively against her ample breasts, as if she was guarding her blessed boobs form the sacrilege you were doing. "If this what you normally do in games like this?" She asked, casting shocked eyes from you to Tom.

"Pretty much," Sarah shrugged, joining in on the looting by snatching a particularly clean dagger from a goblin's hand.

The three of you continued to pore over the bodies, whilst Miranda watched on in equal parts bemusement and disgust. Most of the goblin rank and file offered little more than the odd piece of pilfered weaponry, a table knife here and a sharpened shovel there. The best booty you saw belonged to Sarah, bouncing left and right as you watched her cut a stolen necklace from a goblin. Her perfect ass gyrating like that atop her long legs was probably worth more than any loot you could have hoped to carry.

Once you'd searched the majority of the goblins on the road and in the trench, you'd almost lost hope in finding anything valuable, until you spied a saddle bag on the flank of the dead boar. Hurrying over to it, you loosed the drawstring of the bag, and tipped the contents into your hand. Eight gold pieces, a very flawed looking gem, and some lint was your reward.

Your shoulders slumped. "What a worthwhile fight that was," you sighed.

"I don't know, at least I got another level up," Sarah shrugged.

Before you could ask how exactly Sarah could tell that, you noticed a level up of your own. In your peripheral vision, like a stuck eyelash, were the words "LEVEL UP! (X1) Rest safely to assign your new skill!"

"Oh I guess I did too," you said, rubbing the corner of your eye, as if that might make the alert go away.

"Same," Tom added, "not as much fun as the levels I got from fucking you, though," he said to Sarah. The redhead just smiled, even as you and Miranda cringed at his bluntness. Thankfully, Miranda spoke before Tom could say anything else unpleasant.

"I didn't get to level up," your crush pouted, slender arms still firmly crossed.

"Well, you didn't do anything," Sarah voiced the words that you wouldn't dare to. That just made Miranda's arms fold tighter, her cute pout deepening as she sulked and leant back against the carriage.

"I didn't even get a weapon, what am I supposed to do?" she asked rhetorically, but it was a fair question.

"What about your class skills?" You said, eager to make her feel better, "You said you can bless and heal with a touch, maybe you can bless our weapons?"

{if game:Class = Ranger}

You drew an arrow from your quiver and held it out, glinting tip towards her face. Miranda's eyes widened in surprise, but before you could feel bad, she grasped the shaft with one hand. The way she held it, and how her hand brushed against yours, made your breath hitch.

{elseif game:Class = Wizard}

Hefting up your staff, you shoved it towards Miranda's face. You'd been just about to feel awkward, when your crush took your staff in two hands, and completely overrode your thoughts.

{elseif game:Class = Knight}

Carefully, you drew your sword and held it up towards her. The tip was inches from her face, but you still felt the need to tilt your wrist to point the sharp tip down and away from her. Your crush's hand readily grasping the blade caught you completely by surprise.

{elseif game:Class = Paladin}

Sinking your sword into the soil, you raised your other arm to present your shield to Miranda. The metallic surface was still so polished that you could see her reflection in it, her elfin features stretched and distorted by the unusual shape. Even when rendered like a funhouse mirror, she still had supermodel good looks.

{endif}

Miranda ran her hand slowly over your weapon, but nothing seemed to happen. "Are you sure that's how your skill works?" You asked, your eyes flicking from your weapon, to your crush.

Her shoulders slumped. "Of course I'm not sure," she sighed, "I've never done this before. I don't know what to do."

You held up a placatory hand. "Just relax," you said, recalling how easily combat had came to you. "Just do what comes naturally to you, try not to think too hard, and just do the first thing that comes to mind." You were sure that Tom said something crude, but you were too focused on your crush to notice. She seemed to be the same way, her hazel eyes slowly meeting yours for a moment so long that it felt like time stopped. The moment only ended because her perfect eyes closed, and she leant forward.

{if game:Class = Ranger}

Those perfect, soft, kissable, pouty, lips of hers, met the hard metal of your arrowhead, her hand still wrapped around it's shaft. The arrow seemed to throb in her hand, much like something else of yours had throbbed in that moment.

{elseif game:Class = Wizard}

Holding the thick wooden knot with both hands, Miranda planted her pretty lips on the head of your staff. Just like magic, you felt your other staff throb, and the wrinkled one you held out to Miranda seemed reinvigorated.

{elseif game:Class = Knight}

Miranda's hand tightened around your blade, her head lowering to plant a gentle kiss upon the razor sharp tip of your blade. Her lower lip drew your weapon upwards, yet she was uncut. Her eyes opened again as her lips drew back from your weapon, leaving lipstick stains around the tip.

{elseif game:Class = Paladin}

The shield reflected Miranda's angelic features as she leaned in for a kiss. For a moment, you were treated to the brilliant and irreplaceable sight of Miranda kissing herself, her lips meeting those of her own reflections. When the kiss broke, she looked into her own eyes for a moment, before glancing up to see your stunned expression, and hurriedly pulling back.

{endif}

"Ooh," Miranda gasped, a tiny shiver running through her as her eyes widened. She smiled and bit her lip as she looked back at your weapon. Before you could ask why she'd reacted that way, you felt your weapon twitch in your hand.

{if game:Class = Ranger}

The arrow seemed more solid, the shaft felt harder in your grip, and tip shone anew. Drawing it back in your bow, you loosed it at the caravan. The wood splintered in a small explosion as the arrow flew straight through the first door, striking the door on the other side hard enough to throw it wide open. When the door bounced back, you could see the arrow was embedded over halfway through it.

{elseif game:Class = Wizard}

The staff in your hand felt so heavy that you almost dropped it, catching your wrist with your other hand was the only way to hold it up. Carefully, you pivoted on the spot so your staff was pointed off road and towards the forest. It barely took a thought for your staff to burst, your biggest fireball yet spewing out. When the smoke from the blast cleared, an entire tree had been nearly reduced to ash.

{elseif game:Class = Knight}

The sword seemed to throb or twitch in your hand, like it was eager to penetrate something. Holding it tightly, you cast an exploratory swing at the wheel of the caravan. Even that half-strength slice was enough to cut through three of the wheels wooden struts like they were made of paper.

{elseif game:Class = Paladin}

The shield felt stronger on your arm, like it was solid and immovable as a block of concrete, despite still weighing the same. Reaching out, you knocked it down on to the top of the wagon wheel. You'd intended just to get a feel for the reverberations through your arm, instead, the entire top half of the wheel crumpled. You barely felt a thing.

{endif}

"Holy crap!" Sarah gasped, chuckling at the result.

"Wow, Miranda! That's amazing," you looked in awe at the damage you'd dealt so easily. Turning back to her, she seemed much happier already. A grin had spread across her face, and her hazel eyes seemed unfocused, like she was already thinking of what her powers could do.

Her eyes rose to meet yours, and you were about to speak again, when Tom's axe was shoved between your faces.

"Do me next," he stated, blunt but clearly excited.

Miranda's eyes went wide as they took in the great axe in front of them. "Oh wow, it's so big" she gasped, reaching out tentatively towards it's haft. "I can barely get my hand around the shaft," she grasped at it with both hands, wetting her bottom lip as she tried to take it from Tom. "It's too heavy for me, can you hold it?" Her hands traced idly up and down the shaft as she batted her eyes at Tom, who was more than happy to help.

Practically shoving you out of the way, he stepped closer to Miranda, holding his axe between them. The two handed weapon was long enough that it reached the floor, whilst the heavy head was in front of Miranda's face. Their hands brushed against each others as Miranda drew the axe closer to herself, closing her eyes, titling her head, and leaning in like she was about to kiss a lover. It was the same way she'd blessed your weapon, but she seemed more eager now.

"Mmph," she shivered when her lips met the dull metal point between the axe's two heads. The tip slipped inside her mouth, probably rubbing against her tongue, as she continued the kiss for second after second. She tilted her head the other way, her mouth still on the axe, whilst drawing the whole thing closer to her body. She ran one hand up the shaft to press against the flat side of the blade, pulling the weapon closer still.

The axe shaft was nearly between her breasts when she finally broke the kiss, giggling and blushing as she pushed the axe away from herself again. "Sorry," she laughed, running a hand through her flowing hair, "It just feels weird when I do that."

You felt weird watching her do it too, especially how involved she'd just gotten blessing Tom's weapon. He didn't say anything, however, he was too excited to try out his new toy. "Step aside," he told Miranda confidently, who did what she was told, still grinning like a fool. Once she was out of the way, he took aim at the centre of the caravan, swinging his axe high above his head.

Thwoosh!

The axe fell through the air like a falling tree, cleaving through the carriage like it was nothing. The whole wooden structure fell in on itself, somehow completely cut in half by a single swing from Tom's mighty weapon. The girls started to celebrate, cheering on his triumph, when the corpse from the driver's seat spilled backwards to the ground, landing in a heap on the road and killing the moment.

It would have been a truly grim and sobering reminder of the horror of war, if it wasn't for the fact that the body now had a floating arrow, hovering and rotating over it's head. Apparently there was something on it that the devs didn't want you to miss.

Stepping around Tom, you ignored the body's glassy eyes, as you reached into the pockets of it's coat. The first one was empty, the second contained something hard, and rough under your fingers. Pulling it you, you saw it was wrapped in brown sackcloth and tied with a string. After a moments struggle, you untied it, and unfurled the object into your hand.

It was a small statuette, barely as tall as your palm. The base was thick and heavy, like it was made to stand by itself. Turning it over, you saw the carved or moulded form of a woman. She had her hands crossed at the wrists above her head, and her face half buried in the crook of her elbow. Long, solid, hair, the same metal as the rest of her, spilled down her shoulders to the middle of her back.

Turning it round again, you saw carved lines on her stomach and chest that hinted at the clothes she was wearing, an oddly designed outfit that was open in the middle, the figures smooth belly being framed by a diamond cut-out of material. Below that, she wore what looked like harem pants on her legs, that were pressed together and bent at the knee, as if she were sculpted mid-dance.

She was very pretty, and unlike everything else you had found amongst the wreckage of the caravan, she seemed valuable. The miniature shone like gold and was heavy in your hand.

"What is it, John?" Miranda asked.

Holding the statue with the base flat in your palm, you turned around to show her.

"Aw, she's cute," Sarah sighed.
"Looks expensive," Tom added.

"It might be, or it might be important," you wrapped her back up again and dropped her into the drawstring bag you took from the boar, "that's why I'm going to keep hold of it."

"Who put you in charge?" Tom asked, brow furrowing.

Straightening up, you turned to look at Sarah and Miranda. The redhead was inspecting her nails, but she met your gaze with a smile once she realized you were looking at her. Your crush, meanwhile, was still coming down from whatever weirdness had just come over her, so she was more startled by your attention. "Ladies, do you want me to be in charge?" You asked, doing your best to sound self assured despite your nerves. If they said no, you might have been so embarrassed that all you could do was walk off into the woods.

"Sure, why not?" Sarah shrugged.
"If it's a choice between you and Tom? Definitely you, John," your crush gave you her vote of confidence, before laughing at Tom's frown of displeasure.

"Sounds like they put me in charge," you told him, feeling tall despite the fact that he still absolutely towered over you. "And since I'm in charge, I think we should go. . ."