Pen Pals, Part 2: Coffee Snuggles

Alex

“Little help, wifey-poo?”

Daphne always squeezes extra tight when she wants more sleep and knows she won’t be getting it. Scarlet leans over, winks, and lightly nibbles on one of Daphne’s arm fins. Daphne mumbles, “Don’t tease me with a good time.”

Scarlet whispers in Daphne’s ear, “You got a letter from Sam.”

The mermaid jerks awake, dragging Alex up with her. Daphne squees, “MAIL!”

So, after a brief conversation about how the whole letters thing works for the show, the three arrange themselves in bed, resting against the headboard and each other, coffee at the ready. Alex makes sure that she doesn’t drink her mermaid-wife’s coffee; she loves the goofball, but she has a terrible taste in coffee. The hu-cow milk mocha she has is perfectly acceptable. Scarlet has a cinnamon latte.

“So, who’s first?” Alex asks.

“Go for it,” Scarlet replies.

So, Alex reads her letter aloud for the benefit of the others:

Dear Alex,

Nanaya (the blue dragon from Shar) and you (the plushie) have been having what I can only describe as a committed friendship on my windowsill. I want you to know that the demo tape has been played four times and counting and Andy has started humming one of the lute solos without noticing he's doing it. I'm choosing not to tell him.

The lute-forward metal is genuinely excellent, by the way. I have opinions about the third track. We should discuss.

[A paragraph of utter and complete gibberish, which really shouldn’t happen, as Alex is fluent in approximately 47 different languages at this point.]

I'm keeping both plushies. The two smaller mes are currently staged to look like they're plotting something, which feels accurate.

Please tell your naked purple goddess that her reputation precedes her, and that the pina colada jello story is the best thing I've heard all week.

Catch you on the flip side,

[The Consort] Cooper

Will absolutely click that link

“Soooooo, what the heck is with this one weird paragraph? Is it in cuneiform?”

“If I have to guess,” Daphne offers, “Arabella, the Host of that season, really likes to sanitize the mail. It took Our Beloved embarrassingly long for her to realize Arabella swaps out the envelopes. And, for our video messages we did, she totally changed the video on us a couple of times. But, hey, I bet if you figure out the language, you’ll have some fun decoding it!”

That is a good point. “Moving on, am I supposed to know who Shar is?”

Daphne pipes up, “The most obsessed Host on the network. Vampire-lady. She normally writes to every contestant most every time fan-mail comes up. She didn’t write to us. Hmmm... I wonder...”

If Daphne suggests I help her review Shar’s season, I am going to throw a fit. I’m still picking out buckshot from the last review.

Addressing the camera, Alex finally answers the letter directly, “Glad you enjoy the tunes, dudette! Track three was a fun one. I adapted an elvish galliard to my brand of metal. It’s Scarlet’s fav medieval court dance style, which is all the rage at big royal events. I premiered it at our crazy foursome wedding. Ty and Scar had fun with it. I am available for weddings, if you wanna book me. I warn you, it dramatically increases the likelihood that my naked purple goddess crashes the wedding. Have extra cake, just in case.”

“Keep on rocking. And I approve of any plushie plots. Catch you later, dudette!”

Daphne, well into caffeine jitters now, stumbles her way through her letter:

Daphne,

Court Wizard! Fourth Wife! Dungeon Mermaid! I'm framing this letterhead, just so you know. It's going right next to the Norah portrait, which, for the record, is currently hanging in the Main Lobby bathroom where she will definitely find it someday. I'm calling it "ambient trolling." She hasn't noticed yet. It's been two weeks. I respect her focus.

Yes, you are cool. You are absolutely as cool as sharks. You are, in fact, way better than a shark, which puts you ahead of most people on a technicality. And "hypersexualized cumguzzling freak" is not how I would describe you. "Enthusiastic marine wizard with boundary-setting quirks and strong feelings about salinity" is the phrase I would use. Put that on the next letterhead if you want.

Okay. The character sheet. Daphne, I love you, but I need you to understand something about the campaign. The party is level three. Three. Claire's investigator has seventeen different contingency plans for a scenario that has not and may never occur. Dawn's cleric accidentally healed an enemy last session and then apologized to it. We are not at the "turning rocks into megalodons for reasons" phase of the adventure yet. I will absolutely save your sheet. I will make you an NPC. You can be a legendary figure the party hears about in taverns. The Court Wizard who transmutes coastlines for fun. The bards will write songs. When they hit level twelve or so, maybe we talk about a guest appearance. I promise it will be worth the wait.

The coffee update is genuinely important to me professionally. Forty grams of sea salt per liter is a lot of salt — that's about five times the normal cold brew ratio, for reference — but I respect that you've found your system. I do want to gently flag that squid ink in cold brew is not something I've ever personally recommended, but I also cannot argue with empirical results, so if it works, it works. The hu-cow milk is a solid call. I'm glad Tyalangan figured out a way to make it work for you. Occasional jitteriness from caffeine is a rite of passage. Welcome to the experience.

Yes, she gave us rings. I cried a little. Don't tell anyone. I'm telling you because I trust you to use this information responsibly, which I acknowledge is a risk given the Norah situation. The scroll is — Daphne, I have to sit with this one. The idea of me as a "papa" is something Liesa has also said out loud with a completely straight face, and I haven't decided yet if it's hilarious or terrifying. Probably both. We haven't talked timelines. But I'm keeping the scroll. It's going in the same drawer as the black and blue potions Shar sent, which are also not getting used yet, because I have a self-preservation instinct and also I only own three bras.

You told me to go for her. On record: you were right. I'm not going to make a habit of admitting that, but this time it's in writing so it's official.

How are the teenagers? I feel like "dreaded teenage stage" is doing a lot of work in one sentence and I want details. Do they transmute things without permission? Is that a family trait? Also, what exactly were the reasons for the megalodons?

Stay cool,

Sam Collins

Harem Queen (still weird to write)

The Blue Bean, Chicago (spiritually)

The Pavilion of Bonds, The HH (currently)

P.S. You are cooler than sharks. You are a shark who also does magic. That's the whole argument.

Daphne’s shark-toothed smile is extra wide, at least until Scarlet points out, “So, Sam is framing your letter to hang up in a bathroom?”

“BOO! You aren’t supposed to use facts and logic on me! I was too busy basking in the good feelings!” Daphne whines. Scarlet musses up Daphne’s hair, which is already a bedhead mess.

“Hey, Sam also said you are cool and not ‘the mean thing that Gina called you.’ It’s now 4 against 1. So, Gina can go suck a penguin egg.” Alex points out.

Daphne’s back to smiling as she continues, “I have to ask why you are all still on level 3? Our harem went from Level 1 to the level cap in the span of a couple of weeks. Are they slacking in their XP gains? But, I understand. I look forward to playing in your game after they really focus on leveling up!”

“Can you explain the salt thing, dudette?”

Daphne nods, “Oh, sure. If you want me to use our Beloved’s nerd speak, mermaids handle osmoregulation like sharks. So, I need to concentrate my internal fluids to match that of seawater as close as possible. When water is not salty enough, it actually can overwhelm my kidneys. Since caffeine is a diuretic, it increases my urine output and messes up my fluids.”

“Oh, and I’m glad you two are happy and ready to get hitched. I understand wanting to wait on the kiddies. Mermaid gestation is four years. Four LOOOOOOOONG years. I assume Shar’s version of my lovely Hashtag GetLiesaPreggers gift comes with side effects? Yeah, use mine instead. And stop wearing bras.”

“Well, my teenage girls eat A LOT, not as much as when they were first born, but a lot. They also have taken a keen interest in eating testicles since their egg sacs have started to develop. They are constantly fighting when the fish tossed into their pool doesn’t have enough testicles in them. And they both have bigger egg sacs than me, which means they sometimes go for the gills by calling me runty, which hurts my feelings. I know they’ll grow out of it. Harmony did. Melody was always a good girl, even as a teenager.”

“Finally, I shouldn’t spoil the surprise. Let’s just say that you should pay attention to the Harem Hotel: Mean Maids season’s first fan-mail session when it airs. Wink!”

Daphne slurps her salty, squid inky coffee and Scarlet opens her first letter. She then reads:

Scarlet,

A century. I keep trying to wrap my head around that and failing. You've had a whole life — marriages, a business, kids grown up — and from my end it's been a few weeks since the birthday party. Time dilation is one of those things I understand intellectually and cannot process emotionally at all.

I'm so glad you won. And I'm so glad about Alex.

I say that knowing I didn't know about her until this letter. You never mentioned her, which tells me something about how carefully you were carrying that — the way you carry things that are too important to risk putting down somewhere they might break. I recognize it because I do the same thing. I want you to know that what you did, bringing her back, choosing that as your wish when you could have asked for anything — that's the whole point of everything, maybe.

Congratulations on the marriage. All of them. Tyalangan is lucky, and so is Alex, and so is Daphne. I hope the spa is everything you built it to be.

About the struggling: you're not wrong that it's been a strange few weeks. [The Consort’s appearance] reshuffled something in the air here that I'm still trying to name. It's not bad, exactly. It's more like watching an equation resolve that you'd been told was unsolvable, and having to recalibrate everything you thought you understood about the variables. I'm fine. I'm working on it. That's the most honest answer I have.

The magma bath offer made me laugh out loud, which I needed. I'm not ruling it out. I do have follow-up questions about the lava damage immunity potions — specifically, what's the failure rate, and is the liability waiver something I sign before or after I get in.

You don't owe me anything for the old conversations. That was just me trying to be helpful. But I'm glad it helped, and I'm glad you told me.

Take care of yourself, Scarlet. And tell Tyalangan to breathe.

Marissa

P.S. If you do visit, bring Alex. I'd like to meet her properly.

Scarlet grabs Alex’s hand, giving it a good squeeze. She begins, “To be fair to my old self, Marissa, the struggles I was writing to you about were much more immediate than what was, at the time, a heavy dose of 6-year old trauma. I did mention Alex to Tyalangan a few times. Alex is the inspiration to how Tyalangan wears her hair.”

“And I totally approved her stealing my hairstyle. She rocks it!” Alex quips.

Scarlet continues after the interruption, “Thank you for your wedding well-wishes. It was a crazy night. When are you wedding Andy?”

“Lava damage immunity potions have an extremely low failure rate. With the whole **** durability and shared damage gifts, I am pretty sure you’d be able to handle some time in lava without dying anyways. At least long enough for one of us to pull you out.”

“Finally, I understand the game throwing new curve balls at you and I am glad to hear that you are working through it. You helped me a lot, back then. I get you have trouble asking for help, but please understand that I want to be there for you. Hey, Alex, want to meet my therapist friend?”

“Sure,” Alex coos, “Maybe when Daphne gets to go play her game?”

Daphne nods, vibrating with caffeine jitters.

Already planning on adding a last-minute installation to the HH’s spa, Scarlet moves onto her other letter:

Scarlet,

Thank you for writing. Don't apologize. You had your own fire to deal with that night, and I was fine. I'm still fine. Nine months in the Garden teaches you a lot about what actually needs an apology and what was just people being human in a difficult moment. That was the second one.

I'm glad you worked through the fight with Tyalangan. I'm glad she's okay. Tell her I miss her too, if you're passing messages. I'm glad I'm not in a harem anymore, but I miss you all and I would enjoy visiting.

Jenny. I've been thinking about her since I first saw that reel. It's good to know she has music, and Tina, and people who make her feel like a person. That's the whole job, really. Some days it feels impossible and some days someone laughs for the first time in months and you remember why you're here. I'm glad she found her version of that with you.

About the OB/GYN thing — I noticed. I'm choosing not to be professionally wounded by it on the grounds that Arabella's track record with these particular pregnancies is apparently flawless, and also because being wounded by it would require energy I'm currently directing elsewhere. Also, admittedly, to get here they would have had to either ask Andy (which would have defeated the purpose of finding out before telling him) or asked Arabella to take them here (at which point it was just as easy to ask her for confirmation). I will say, if any of them want a second opinion, the elevator still works.

The world you're trying to save — I don't have anyone left there worth calling. But thank you for offering. That matters.

I'm taking care of myself. The Garden is good work. Strange, some days, but good. I don't miss the harem, exactly, but I miss the noise sometimes. It's quieter down here than I expected.

Don't be a stranger either.

Dinah

“Hah, fire!” Alex chuckles.

“Aleeeeeeex,” Scarlet whines at the bad joke.

“What?”

Scarlet boops Alex’s nose before continuing, “Okay, back to Dinah. Thank you for writing back and your generosity,” Scarlet continues, “Yeah, we all help Jenny out, but Tina has the best kinship. You wouldn’t believe how many goofy side effects she went through to be able to cast telepathy on her own so she can talk to Jenny without bugging Daphne, Tyalangan, or Glitterdust first. It’s good for all of us to keep Jenny in good spirits. She’s doing much better now than when we first rescued her.”

“Fair enough about the pregnancies. To be somewhat fair for all of those warnings we tried to give around Andy’s birthday party, we assumed pregnancies would work like they do here. I’m sorry that you did not have anyone back in our old home that you miss. We probably did not talk enough about our pasts.”

“And,” Daphne offers, “if you want noise, you can always come babysit! There always seems to be 40 to 50 bunny-girls in the nursery wing that could use wrangling!”

“And we will definitely come visit at some point.”

The trio put their heads together to plan a visit. Or, at least, some benevolent trespassing.