Daphne Commits Benevolent Tresspassing

Three people are standing in the midst of a barely sprouted field of cultivated plants. A farmhouse, hemispheric and buried in sod, is in the distance. A single light on indicates that the occupants of the house have turned in for the night.

One, a mermaid with a lanyard around her neck (and wearing nothing else), is crouching down on her weird human legs, fiddling with some borrowed equipment. One, a six-breasted glow-in-the-dark tiger-woman, is murmuring in a language that, to a human listener from a typical dimension, would almost sound like ancient Welsh; the ground around her pulses in verdant green and shining silver. One, a punk rock goth valkyrie, is a little annoyed. She got zapped by some T-shaped eyeball thing in the field. Between the low powered microwave output and her radiant damage resistance, she wasn’t hurt, but it still annoyed her.

“Daph, what are we doing at this random tobacco farm? And why did you drag Nyadia with us?”

Daphne, the mermaid in question, summons a large Lunacoin to-go cup of mocha from her inventory along with a giant stack of paper, handing both of them over to Alex. “Well, the occupants of the farm here were kind enough to review our review of Pipe-Weed Dreams. And they were nice about it. They also reviewed our season; they were less nice about it, but it was all a bunch of criticism of the show-runner’s transcribing ability. So, I figured that we could help them out by magicking up a year of bumper crops while we cover the other half!”

“Oh, yeah,” Alex recalls, “The Tolkienpunk story. So Daleman and Vanesse settled down on a remote fantasy tobacco farm?”

“Nope. This is Rowana’s farm. The main character that we avoided meeting by focusing on the side stories?”

Alex plops down in the dirt, sipping the hu-cow milk and chocolate enhanced espresso. “So, what’s with the Mattie tech? Did you steal it out of the Autumn Room’s bath?”

“Yup; I borrowed our situational camera shut-off system. We need to stop their sensors detecting us. I don’t want to get shot for doing a good deed, you know?”

Alex blinks, then asks, “That’s a possibility?”

“At least according to the show-runner.”

Alex summons her mighty battle axe, resting it on her knees, then nods. Her mermaid-wife always seems to be up to some good-meaning mischief. “Okay, then, I am ready for a non-lethal scuffle, if we have to have one. Let’s begin.”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

Alex begins by addressing a complaint she had from the side stories, “Okay, so Rowana is a much more Tolkienesque protagonist than Daleman. She’s a ranger, ex-military, looking for the quiet life after twenty long years of fighting. A quick draw, too. Mattie would like her. Naked purple goddess would like her too, except for the whole... gun... thing. First night on her forty acres, she finds and frees an orc ****, a shortstack Urak-Hai bombshell named Azzie? Mattie would like her, too, assuming Azzie doesn’t have scary teeth.”

Daphne quips as she has a big gulp of her mermaid special macchiato, “Eh, Mattie freely admits she is scared of sexy teeth. So, Rowana does some thinking, and discovers the slaver van. One corpse-run later, and the van is sent off its merry way for Daleman to cover up. Then, tent cuddles! I love cuddles!”

“And our first sex scene, equal parts trauma and body horror and sensuality. Azzie jacks in to Rowana. They exchange tragedies across the connection as Azzie plows through Rowana’s brain for Westeros, which is their Common or English, depending on what dimension you are from.”

The mermaid nods, “Smart of Azzie. She’s adorable and a little sassy. Anyways, they spend several chapters just prepping the farm and having adult sexy times. In the process of doing that, they find an old forge with a magic ring that has Azzie’s name engraved in it. That’ll be important later.”

“Said ring is a not ‘One Ring’ and the name engraving was also a Tolkien reference. Our first truly gross sex scene was in Chapter 15 (though, the realistic orc cock dildo scene also was a little bit squick). Azzie goes down on Rowana until she pees. Gross.”

“Then, we have our first break-in. Four guys, shotguns at the semi-ready, looking for Azzie. Rowana drops three of them easy enough, but gets caught flat-footed by the boss. Azzie kills him with a .22. I get that this would be a Mattie or a Beloved question, but does that sound right, Alex? You’re the former human.”

“Eh, .22’s don’t have that much of a kick to them. A little unrealistic, but not by that much. Zeebop addresses it, at least. Maybe cyber eyes are much more fragile than I would suspect?”

“Okay,” the mermaid shrugs, then smiles, “Next morning, they adopt a stray kitten!”

“A kitten with a taste for baddie blood. Still more slice-of-life chapters, mixed in with Rowana dealing with the aftermath of the attack. Rowana and Azzie link up again; the results are painful. Azzie was designed by a company called Drake Industries as some kind of sex ****? The same Drake Industries that stole Lilja’s tentacle sexbud Bob.”

“Then,” Alex continues, “We have break-in number two. A single orc scout, killed by traps down to the ring forge. The dead orc heralds a decent sized war band. Azzie adopts a femboi orc **** they name Bebe. That, plus Azzie turning Rowana’s period back on, leads to their first real fight.”

“Ugh, period mood swings. Our Beloved gets super moody during her yearly period. You all are lucky she has to stay underwater the whole time.”

Alex almost snorts out some mocha through her nose. “Speaking of gross period things, Azzie eats out Rowana when they make up from the fight the next day.”

“Also next day,” Daphne pipes up, “break-in number three. The warband that sold Azzie Bebe. Bri Looseleaf the hobbit hacker girl from the side stories warns Rowana and we get a cool fight scene. Bri starts to tie the side stories in by asking Rowana to pull one... last... job.”

Alex again makes a face, “The aftermath threesome scene is again a gross one. Rimming and anal. Gross, then ouch, then gross and ouch.”

“Rowana decides to take the job, using the White Hand’s on hand cash to buy a bunch of illegal weapons and body armor and ammo and stuff. Maybe she should have specc’ed artificer like Mattie? Mattie has infinite bullets.”

Alex rolls her eyes, then keeps the plot summary going, “Then we get to Rowana starting the last job. Stabbing spiders in sewers. Wiring access panels. Sneaking through hallways. Not realizing dragons have blindsense.”

Daphne picks up the narrative, “Anyways, White Hand orc leader, who came in with Daleman (as in the side story), sees Rowana and stabs her with the Morgul blade stolen in the side stories. Rowana kills him. Just like in the side story, Daleman breaks Bob free then covers for Rowana to escape with the tentacle guy. We again don’t see how Daleman gets out. Rowana makes a long march back towards Azzie via the same sewers, murdering more spiders. Rowana gives what would be some touching last words. Bob apparently drags Rowana through the last bit.”

“Then, we have a perspective shift, from Rowana’s journal to letters written by Azzie implanted in Rowana’s head. Azzie begs for Rowana to be well as she describes what they did to help. They rig up a neat electromagnet trick. She then drives for real for the first time. Back at the farm, a seemingly random wizard shows up...”

“And cheats, like all good wizards do!” the mermaid wizard interjects.

“And pulls the Morgul blade shard out of Rowana and does some proper surgery. Bob biohacks Azzie to fix her fertility implant.”

Daphne takes up the story, “And we are back to Rowana. Rowana wakes up, sloooowly recovering, to company. All of the side characters are here! So, Lilja got her tentacle horror sexbud back! One of our questions answered. Then, they do a bunch of marriage things, as Rowana and Azzie get hitched. And the reception is less of a reception and more of an impromtu sex party. One last group hug, and the story ends. I love hugs!”

And Alex gives her one. “I love you, Fish. Always nice to have the wedding sexcapades. Remember when they **** out that big water tank at our wedding reception so Tyalangan could fill up your egg sacs while Scarlet and I could handle the panty tosses?”

“Yeah, that was a fun time. And our reminiscence about things happening decades ago will totally not annoy anyone. So, general thoughts, Daph?”

“Again, this was generally a sweet love story. Rowana and Azzie were so cute together! The Bri and Aubert version now feels even less necessary, as the emotional resonance from our main line duo was done better.”

Alex muses, “How much of that was due to Rowana and Azzie having generally less squick sex scenes? Like, most of their gross sex didn’t start until Bebe was brought in as a breeding stud?”

“There was that one pee scene.”

“True. Maybe Zeebop is filthy, but filthier when dealing with cock? Sounds like a good reason for Zeebop to write less cock-centric scenes.”

“In other news, we never got our answers to some of our questions. So Daleman and Vanesse move in together, but is that a Josie and Tina situation or what we have with our oread-wife? And did Bri ever get saved from that painful clit ring?”

“Who knows? The sex party and its aftermath certainly implies happy endings for all the side characters, but didn’t dig too deeply into details. Still, I am satisfied with the story now. I even enjoyed how the main line story felt like it had multiple endings back to back, just like in Return of the King. That was literally the biggest problem in the book. Tolkien wrote a stopping point, then wrote past it to another, then did it again. The Tolkien / cyberpunk blend on the main line was much better. Nyadia, you got long form Plant Growth wrapped up?”

The lazzorkat rises up from her kneeling position and stretches. Her breasts bounce, all six of them, as she arches her back. “Done.”

“So, double fantasy tobacco for a year? Sounds like a good gift. Ready to head back home ladies?” Alex asks, unfurling her black wings and pulling her clothes into her inventory.

“Just need to collect our camera blocker and...”

Alarms start blaring.

“Cheese it!”

Alex casts Gate, and the trio scampers through it before a certain pregnant ex-soldier bursts out of the Hobbit Hole pre-fab home.