Pandora's Gatling Gun

Sun Tzu once said:

When you surround an army, leave an outlet free.
Do not press a **** foe too hard

That was over two-thousand years ago, and ever since then every single commander in history has ignored that advice. I'm not sure what it is I'm not getting. Like, is it a time honored tradition to avoid sound advice in the military?

It's really quite simple. What he's saying is that when an enemy is left with no recourse, they'll be willing to do absolutely anything to escape. And it's impossible to prepare for that, because no one can really ever know what 'absolutely anything' entails.
Please, allow me to direct your attention to Exhibit A:

Day π of The 666th Raspberry-Typewriter Racecar Tournament
34:71 PM

CR-monitor TVs climbed out of giant oyster shells, to parade along the aisles. The crowd kicked and screamed, but none could escape the long arms reaching out from the eyeballs on the screens. One of the TVs took his shot– Yes! He got that hoop in from half-court! The basket-ball, hoop that is. Nothing but net. Don't worry, folks. He landed safely. Right in a barrel full of oranges and parking tickets.
Panic erupted in the audience. They fled screaming towards the exit, dodging out of way from the keyboard-headed velociraptors as they swooped down.

Ladies and gentlemen... Upside-down circus fire achieved!
Not that I could tell immediately.

The shadow dome didn’t just explode. It double-exploded. And also imploded, simultaneously. Somehow.
No, I had no idea what that was supposed to mean. I was preoccupied at the moment. Too busy tumbling out into the open field after being sent flying by the shockwave.
It felt like the world and my head were trapped in different carousels.

The rolling slowed to a stop. I just lay sprawled on the ground. My head spinning. My stomach churning. Every single inch of my body ached.
Which was good. Fantastic, actually.

The game was still on.
The fact the Tournament didn't revive me meant whatever happened wasn't enough to finish me off.
"D-did you catch the number on that bus?" I asked deliriously to the Wicked Witch. She had approached me as I lay down.
I didn't get an answer. Only a blank, slack-jawed stare.
Now, certainly there was no shortage of stuff to be confused about, but if I were to guess, what confused her right then and there was how to even react to all of this.
In the end she settled for unbridled rage.

"What have you DONE!?" She shrieked, tugging at the brim of her hat, "What were you THINKING!? I-I don't even know– What am I SUPPOSED to say?! I'm dumbstruck."
I flashed her my most shit-eating grin, "Hi, Dumbstruck. I'm Allison."
"–No." She stammered, caught between a laugh and a whimper, "No, I refuse. There's no possible way for anyone to think THIS is a time for jokes. Not. Even. You."
"In my defense... I'm pretty sure there are used water balloons in a better condition than I'm in right now."
"Well, how about THAT for a wake-up call!?" She pointed up dramatically.

I looked where she pointed. Not like I could look anywhere else when lying down, but her unreasonably majestic boobage eclipsed whatever she wanted to show me.
Once she retreated back, I could finally get a look, and saw... Someone hovering in the air like a golden sun.

"–Bird Brain?"
No. That wasn't her. I got tripped up by all them golden feathers. Whoever it was, she was way bigger than Sanakia. Like, way way bigger. Building sized.
Didn't have the voluptuous silhouette of the Sexy-Knight either. Or any non-mutant for that matter. Her arms and legs were skewed to disfigured proportions. She resembled a grotesque caricature of a person, one by someone who only had rumors of their appearance to go by.
Two colossal pairs of metallic wings grew off her back, though not the same kind as each other. I think one was those of an eagle, and the other those of a dove. Both shimmering like gold.
In the absence of clothing, gold twisted around her body like cables. They hung off her torso in a haphazard fashion. Just like with Bird Brain. But unlike Bird Brain, the gold joined with the flesh of her limbs, forming distorted almost mechanical appendages made from gold, their claws extending to the size of spears.
And so she spoke, "ALL YOU COB-SUGGERS AND FLOOZEYS OF THIS WORLD! HEED MY WORDS!"
She raised her grand golden fist in triumph, "THE ANGEL OF JUDGEMENT LANIAKEA HAS COME FORTH TO FORSAKE THIS EARTH, AND SCORCH IT WITH FIRE AND PESTILENCE! FOR THE TIME OF REPENTANCE HAS PASSED!"

She hovered over the Barrier, watching the fleeing masses as she laughed uproariously at their terror, "NO LONGER SHALL THE MOST EXALTED DIVINE OF HOLINESS STEEL HER HEART! HER DIVINE CREATION HAS BEEN FLUFFED OFF BY SONS OF BISCUITS AND THEIR IMPURE DESIRES! NOW THEY SHALL SEE THEMSELVES FLUFFED OFF! AND HER FLUFFING OF THE HERETICS AND THE HEDONISTS AND THE HYPOCRITES AND THE BLASPHEMERS AND THE FORNICATORS AND THE FALSE PROPHETS WHO PARASITE THE LAND OF ITS BOUNTIFUL DIVINE GLORY, SHALL OFFER NO RESPITE BUT DARNATION EVERLASTING!"

Burning beams of searing white light shot off from her eyes into the heavens. A golden halo formed behind her wings, towering even the tallest towers.
Burning beams rained from the skies, incinerating anyone getting struck, turning them instantly to a heap of smoldering ashes. Her smile reached beyond her face as the masses fled in terror, "HEAR THE JOYOUS CHORUS OF ANGELS WHEN THEY REJOICE! FOR THEY SHALL LOOK UPON THE WORLD AS IT IS CLEANSED OF ITS CRUD BY FIRE!"

She swung her arms through the air, sending golden shockwaves into the crowds, "AND THE MOTHER-FUDGERS WHO WOULD DEFILE IT SHALL BE LIFTED OFF THE GROUND BY THEIR WEENIES! AND THEY SHALL BE RIPPED IN HALF! FOR THIS DARNATION AWAITS ANY SON OF A BISCUIT WHO DEFIES THE MOST MERCIFUL DIVINE MOTHER! AND THEIR SPINAL FLUIDS SHALL SPILL OVER THE PASTURES LIKE RAIN! AND THE GRASS UNDERNEATH SHALL BE PAINTED RED, AND GROW, AND BECOME FAT ON THEIR MARROW!"

"Hey! Dipshit!"
The one who spoke was none other than Femto. After landing face first into the ground, she floated herself out from the sand and hovered around the angel.
"This is my turf! You hear?" She pointed her thumb over her shoulder, "You're gonna have to find somewhere else to play armageddon. This here playground ain't big enough for the two of us."

The angel turned her neck 180 degrees to lock on to her next target, "YOUR TEMPTATIONS ARE HEEDED BY MINDS WITH THE STRENGTH OF MOTHER-FLUFFING INSECTS ALONE! FOR KNOW, SPAWN OF THE DARK ONE, THAT DIVINE RETRIBUTION SHALL NOT RELENT TO THE ENCROACHING DARKNESS, BUT SEAR THAT DARKNESS IN HOLY FIRE!"
"Oh, as lovely as that does sound, I think that you misunderstood. I wasn't asking you to scram. I was telling you. Or else."
The angel teleported right up to the Devil's face, standing nose to nose with the much smaller fiend, "Or else what?"
"Ah, am I happy you asked?" The Devil popped up a book, flipping open some pages until she pointed at the desired paragraph with her claw, "According to Section 19 Paragraph 6 of the Devil's handbook on conduct in regards to negotiations, in case of clear and present danger for a significant portion of potential clientele, it falls within the scope of Devils Rank 4 or higher to launch sufficient conciliatory action at the responsible party, insofar as such sanctions would conserve the profession of traditional Devilry."
She slammed the book shut.
"So– If you do not scram, I can and will mess. Up. Your. Day– Buddy."
She poked the angel on the shoulder.

SSSSSSHIIAAAHH~!
The angel spat a volcanic eruption of etherally glowing smoke, right in the Devil's face. The beam of pyroclastic gold crashed into the bleachers, turning the seats into a golden mist. As the fog lifted, no trace of the bleachers remained, save for the fact that the disintegration spread– Until very soon a portion of the Colosseum the size of a house was gone.
"Ooh, nice shot!" The Devil appeared behind the Angel, "Maybe next time you'll actually hit the broad side of a barn!"
The Angel turned with a shriek, and another volcanic ether blast burst from her mouth. And another. And another still.
By then nothing remained of the Stadium but a broken husk of what it once was. Seats not yet detached from the bleachers hung on crooked metal beams over the gaping maws left in the wake of the destruction. The crowd turned wild, so much so that some spectators ran off the edges in their frenzy like lemmings.

At the height of her relentless divine fury, the Devil emerged from behind the golden smoke. A writhing black tentacle appeared, whipping around the Angel's wrist– Then tugged. The Devil swung her sanctimonious opponent around like a flail. The holy morning star got rammed into statues and hotdog carts alike, reducing them to rubble and grease-stained wreckage.

Didn't seem to phase the Heinous Herald very much. If anything, she got more excited with every passing second. She reached out to poke the tendril with the gentlest touch of her claw– It ruptured into a cloud of dark blots. She spun towards her fiendish foe with a feral swipe of her claw. A golden arc of light followed in its wake.

Again and again she swept the air, chasing the constantly teleporting Devil with her claws. All the meanwhile, ever more tendrils appeared to reach towards the Angel. Not that she would let them. Her golden claws shredded each and everyone before they could get close.

This was a battle between titans. A clash between cosmic forces, where the little rut of land upon which we were fixed happened to be caught in between.

And I could only watch in astonishment.
"All right, all right..." I said while picking myself up and dusting my knees, "I'm starting to think this is all spiraling out of control."

"What did you do!?" The Wicked Witch grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me frantically.
"Me? Oh, it's quite simple!" I picked up the now shattered Parastitch™ to show her, "Just ran your little Devil friend over there through my paradox resolver!"
"You WHAT!?"
"Yuh-huh! A time-traveller's best friend! Never leave your section of space-time continuum without it! You ever find yourself tangled in a web of incompatible timelines, this thing will fix it right up! No matter how twisted! Thing is, there maaaaaay be some acausal recoil when you use it– Depending on the severity of the time paradox. Now, I didn't actually know whether your time devil got actually got herself tangled in a paradox. At least one convoluted enough to make crazy enough causal recoil to distract her. But– I banked on that she did, based on her, ahem– Carefree personality."
"You– Y-you imbecile!" She squealed, stomping her foot, "You don't even have the slightest idea what you're doing!"
"Hey," I rested my hands on my hips, "If I knew what I was doing, I'd stop immediately and do something else!"

She turned red as a tomato with eyes spanned wide open. I could her hear breathing loudly, as if snorting. She reached her hands out towards my throat, with limbs stiff yet trembling.
Now, this chick didn't exactly strike me as the balanced type, but I imagine that it'd take quite a lot for a mage to become so mad at someone to forego obliterating them with magic, and opting for the close and personal touch of strangulation.

But in the end she decided not to, and she lowered her arms. She shook her head, exhaling deeply.
"–All right. That's fine. I can deal with your incessant idiocy later. Right now I've got more important matters to attend." She turned towards the maelstrom of chaos, "This isn't a big deal, really. Not for a master mage of my calibre. I can handle this. This is fine."
"You mean we can handle this?"
"No, you stay away!" She snapped, peering over her shoulder, "You've done enough damage already."
"Fat chance!" I waved my hand, "Look, this is my Parastitch™ that caused this. I know it inside out. If anyone knows how to handle this mess, it's me. Come on now! Let's put our differences aside for now. Before more people get hurt!"
She clapped her cheeks, letting out a moan turned to a sigh of resignation, "Ffffffine. I– suppose your advice on the matter couldn't hurt."
"That's the spirit! We'll figure this out in no-time!" I rolled up my sleeves.
"Indeed. With your brains– And my actual brains, no problem is too obstinate. Now, just surrender the match, and we'll get started right away."
"But of course, I'll just– Hang on! You want me to do what? Don't tell me you're still on about that Tournament even now!?"
"Of course not. The Tournament right now is a bagatelle. If this turns out to take more than two hours, however, then neither you or I will proceed. Naturally it just makes sense for one of us to resign from the match."
"All right. Fair enough–" I said, "Why should it be me though?"
"Why should it– You can't seriously be this dense. Your machine was what caused all of this to begin with. Obviously the one who is responsible should take a hit for the team."
"Uhh, let's rewind for a bit now. You were going to enslave me! What was I supposed to do? If anything, you're the one who's responsible for forcing my hand!"
She groaned, her eye twitching, "What you were supposed to do was walk away from the match without causing– Whatever this is!"
A cluster of rubble split upon impact with the Barrier.
"Yeah? Well, did you maybe consider that you don't got no business telling me what I'm supposed to do? Maybe coercing people into doing what you want is a bad idea!"
"It was a deal!" The witch yelled out exasperated, "It was supposed to benefit the both of us!"
"Oh, yeah. Real smooth deal there. Just look how it turned out. Look–" I pulled the gun out of my holster, "Let's stop joking around now. I'll just put a bullet through your eyes, and we can all start–"

I was in the process of lining up my shot, when I found myself staring into the tip of her wand! Seriously! She aimed her weapon at me! At a time like this! Can you believe it?
I mean, sure. I did it first. Technically. But I was doing it to end this madness! She just wanted to blow my head off to prove herself right!
"–I can't believe we're really doing this. Over– Over this!"
"You took the words right out of my mouth." I snapped.

Now, you probably think I should just let her have the win and get it over with. But here's the thing about that:
Fuck that! Everyone I liked in this Tournament got taken away from me, and who's to blame for that if not– If not people like her! Just think about it!
She took Sanakia away from me. She took away Estelle. And she was gonna take me next!
So, no! I'm not gonna let her take anything more! This Bitch Witch could use some thorough spanking, and I just so happen to be kind enough to oblige.

And so our eyes met. each full of determination. Finally our battle began at earnest, even as the world was crumbling to pieces around us...