Didi's Totally Not Fanfiction 7

"I can't believe I'm saying this...but I need your help."

Ryan looked up from his textbook and stared at her, "Really? You need my help. I thought you didn't want anything to do with me." You'd think living with a girl would **** you to become closer, but Scarlett avoided Ryan like the plague. Despite living under the same roof and attending the same class he barely ever said a word to her. He tried to be nice, but she just wasn't interested.

"Yes. Please. Look you play hockey right...you must be good at skating."

Ryan nodded, "Ya. I mean I'm a goalie so I'm not the fastest skater, but I like to think I'm pretty agile. How exactly is that useful to you?"

Scarlett put her hands on her hips and sighed, "I was at a cafe on campus and got into a fight with some weird chick. One thing led to another and we're having a figure skating competitor to solve our dispute."

"...figure skating competition...that's...insane. That's totally not a thing you know? People don't just challenge other people to figure skating battles."

"I know that's not a thing! But this bitch...you don't understand...I couldn't refuse...we have to beat her! I need a male partner who can skate, and that's you."

Ryan tapped his fingers on his textbook, "Ok...well...I'm willing to help you, really I am, but...I don't know the first thing about figure skating."

"That's alright. I found a coach. So you'll do it? Thank you Ryan. I owe you. The competition is this Saturday so we have to start practicing now. Grab yours stuff, we're going now."

"But I'm..." Studying he was going to say, but she cut him off by pulling away his textbook.

"You can have this back when we're ready to compete!" She took off for upstairs, "Grab your stuff and meet me outside in 5!"

Ryan decided to just roll with it. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. Maybe he'd grow closer to Scarlett and their icy relationship would thaw. Not that he wanted to marry her, but if he was going to live with her he at least wanted to be friends. By the time they reached the arena he had psyched himself up to thinking this was going to be great.

Then he met the coach.

"Ryan? You're the fiancé?"

Ryan was shocked to see Griffin standing on the ice waiting for them. "You're the coach?" He asked. Then he looked at Scarlett, "Wait, why am I your partner? Wouldn't it make more sense to just hire Griffin to be your partner instead of your coach?"

Scarlett's face turned red, "Nevermind that! Is this going to be a problem?"

Ryan sighed, "No. It's fine."

Griffin might be kind of an ass, but he turned out to know a lot about figure skating. He'd apparently competed for years until his schedule ran out of room to fit both hockey and figure skating in. At times Ryan felt like it was a waste to be trying to teach him how to figure skate in less than a week, but as Saturday approached he was actually getting the hang of their routine. Scarlett impressed him too. Although she'd never competed in figure skating on the scale that Ryan had played hockey, she was no slouch and looked dazzling in their costumes.

Friday night as they left the arena they happened to bump into their competition, "Ah if it isn't Scarlett and her pathetic excuse for a fiancée," A woman said as they approached, "I'm looking forward to kicking your asses tomorrow!"

Ryan was taken aback by the hostility in her voice, but Scarlett didn't hesitate to match it, "He's not pathetic. He's more manly than that turd on your arm!"

The 'turd' turned out to be a rather dashing man. Ryan didn't consider himself unattractive, but he knew that most women would pick the other guy over him. He gulped, unsure if he should get involved or not.

"Darling, let us not speak with our words, but with our actions. They'll taste defeat soon enough. Come, let us get to practice." He took the woman's hand and rudely pushed between Ryan and Scarlett.

"Jerk!" Scarlett called out as they went by. Once they were gone she sighed, "Fuck those guys. See why we have to win? They think they're so great just because they won nationals..."

"Wait...they won a national competition...you know we're going to lose, right?" Ryan said.

Scarlett glared at him, "We will with that attitude! Get it together man!"

Ryan sighed, he'd already agreed so what else could he do? They went home to get some rest before the competition.

---

The next morning Scarlett woke up early to make Ryan what she called the breakfast of champions. Ryan highly doubted that champions ate undercooked eggs, overcooked bacon, blackened toast and coffee with enough grinds floating it in to make a second cup, but he dutifully ate it all. Then the two of them got ready and headed to the arena.

As fate would have it, they again bumped into the competition just outside the arena. The two women started their catfight again and it might have gone on forever if not for the unfortunate intervention of Didi, their homeroom teacher.

"WATCH OUT!" Ryan turned just in time to see Didi barreling towards them on an out of control bicycle. Everyone jumped out of the way but somehow Didi turned at the last second to strike Scarlett, knocking her down to the ground while going flying herself.

Ryan rushed over to her, "Scarlett are you ok?"

Scarlett's face was contorted in pain, "No! My ankle...I think I sprained it."

Didi got up and brushed herself off. The bike was totaled, but Didi herself seemed totally unharmed. She rushed over, "Oh no. I'm so sorry. Let me take you to the hospital."

"But the contest..."

Scarlett's rival laughed, "Ho-ho, you couldn't beat us so you faked an injury? How stupid of you. I don't care if you are injured or not, we spent a lot to money to book this arena, if you don't compete, you forfeit and lose our bet."

"Bet? What bet?" Ryan asked.

Scarlett glared, "I can't possibly skate...what about a substitution? My coach said he'd be willing to skate."

"Two guys? No no. I'm far too homophobic to allow that," The woman said, surprisingly earnestly, "But I will allow you to put up an alternate couple. Of course the match begins in 10 mins, there's no way you'll find someone to know your routine in that time."

Scarlett looked at Ryan, "Ryan...please..."

Ryan knew what she was asking, "Fine. I'll do it," He stood up and looked at the challengers, "I'll find a replacement. Just go get ready, someone will be there to fight you," He turned to Scarlett and Didi, "Let Didi take you to the hospital, I'll take care of this."

Then he ran off to see Griffin. Griffin of course had no idea of another female figure skater available last minute, but he was willing to compete himself. Ryan of course knew of only one other option, "It'll be me."

"You...oh...OH..." Griffin said with a grin, "Gotcha. Well, what are you waiting for? Hit the showers!"

Ryan hurried to get ready in time. Just a few minutes later he was on the ice beside Griffin, wearing Scarlett's costume.

He couldn't believe he was wearing this in public. His female form was considerable more endowed than Scarlett and the top could barely contain his chest. The skirt was practically non-existent and it was guaranteed that the audience would see his panties during the performance. Not to mention the make-up Griffin had insisted he wear. Ryan didn't know if he could compete like this at all. What chance did they have against this couple?

As Ryan looked around he couldn't believe how many people were in the audience. It wasn't sold out or anything, but there were far too many people here for a random rivalry like this. How did they even know this was going on?

"Ready?" Griffin asked, knocking him out of his reverie.

"Not at all." Ryan said honestly.

Griffin laughed, "That's great. Just let me lead, you'll be just fine!"

Ryan sighed but nodded and took Griffin's hand. How did he get himself into this mess?

---

Vivi took another bite of popcorn as she stared at the tv, "Wait, we saw this episode together. That's not how it went at all."

Didi sighed, "These are real people, it's harder to manipulate them than you think."

"I suppose," Vivi grabbed another handful of popcorn, "Wait, aren't you supposed to be helping Scarlett right now?"

"Nah, time travel remember? Don't worry about it. I'm also in the arena right now too. Getting ready to start a fire."

"A fire? Why would you burn down the arena? That didn't happen either. Although I don't suppose it would be easy to turn the whole thing into a swimming pool...or to get them to actually fight each other."

"It won't burn down. The arena has sprinklers..."

Vivi grinned, "Ah...I see. I wonder how well pigs skate..."

"I'm thinking not well. Should be fun!"

Vivi set her popcorn down, "You know Didi...this whole thing seems like a lot of work. Couldn't you have just...kidnapped Rumiko Takahashi and made her create more chapters for you? Or sold MAPPA some kind of MDMA rip off to make them churn out new seasons faster?"

Didi shrugged, "Sure. But then I wouldn't get to be a character in it. Trust me, this is more fun."

Vivi nodded, "I suppose...I am strangely invested it in now too...ok. Let's see what happens next..."

---

Whelp...that was it. They'd definitely lost. The other couple, they had been introduced as Poehler and Doyle, had received nearly perfect scores from the judges. Even Griffin had been speechless watching them. Ryan, who knew almost nothing about figure skating, knew they didn't stand a chance.

He did his best, he really did. But he'd learnt the routine from the male's perspective and hadn't practiced being thrown around at all. His body was capable of everything, but he just lacked the muscle memory and the confidence to execute. Not to mention that he felt incredibly uncomfortable with Griffin touching his body so intimately. Their routine was almost finished and their score to be released when suddenly...

BEEEEEEP BEEEEEEP BEEEEEEP!

WAAAAAH-WAAAAAH-WAAAAAH!

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!

WAAAAH-WAAAAH!

The fire alarm started to sound. They stopped and looked around as the audience started to flee. The two of them started skating off the ice when suddenly the sprinklers went off. It only took seconds for the deluge to soak them.

Of course that meant Griffin was no longer wearing his skates. Hoping that nobody had seen Ryan quickly scooped up the bundle of clothing and the piglet inside and hurried off the ice. He stopped just long enough to take his skates off before running out of the building.

He planned to wait until it was clear and they could go into the showers together to revert to normal, but being a soaking wet hot woman in a skimpy one piece meant that he attracted a considerable amount of male attention. Particularly from one very confident man.

"Hi there, I'm Kevin Connors, captain of the basketball team. Will you go out with me?"

Before Ryan could reply, Scarlett appeared beside him, "Go away Kevin. She's not interested."

Kevin's eyes sparkled, "Scarlett...I didn't know you were friends with such a magnificent creature. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you. There is plenty of Kevin for both of you beautiful ladies. I would be happen to go out with either of you."

"No thank you." Ryan said politely.

"She means fuck off." Scarlett added.

"Are you all right Scarlett?" Kevin said, ignoring her, "I came because I heard you were going to be skating. I'm not disappointed though, because I got to see this gorgeous thing instead. Life is full of pleasure."

"Ew. I'm fine, just a twisted ankle. That Didi really is a dunce."

"I'm sorry we couldn't win Scarlett." Ryan said honestly.

"Actually," a newcomer said, "It's a tie." Ryan looked over and saw one of the judges, "We talked it over and decided because we didn't get to see the end of your routine, we can't judge it at all. So it's a tie."

Poehler and Doyle stormed over, "We didn't tie! We won!"

The judge shrugged, "Don't care. It's a tie."

"Argh! Fine. We'll split the cost." Doyle yelled.

"Fine!" Scarlett yelled back. "60/40 for you."

"What? No. 70/30 for you!"

"Uh guys...what cost?" Ryan asked.

"What? Do you think it was free renting the arena and paying for the judges? The loser was supposed to pay for it all." Doyle explained.

"How about 50/50 then?" Ryan suggested.

"Fine!" Doyle yelled again.

"Really? Ry...ley. Riley. You'll help me pay? Thank you, you're such a good friend!" Scarlett threw her arms around him and squeezed him. Ryan was confused by the display until she whispered in his ear, "No backing out now. You owe me $1500!" She stepped back, "Well...better get home. Bye Riley!"

Ryan was left there outside the arena, still holding the pig. Griffin hadn't tried to run away, but soft oinking could be heard from the bundle of clothes.

"What's the noise? Do you have a pig in there? I love pigs! They are so cute! What's her name? I think Charlotte would be perfect for a pig!"

Ryan held the bundle tighter, "No. No pigs here. Gotta run. Bye."

Ryan didn't wait for them to clear the building. He took off running. Barefoot and half naked. Where had this day gone so wrong?