Porkum Has A Copycat To Deal With

The phone rang. Porkum answered it.

"I thought we agreed," Doctor Doom said without preamble. "That you would keep a low profile while the Invisible Woman healed."

Porkum raised an eyebrow. The porcine mutant sat on a soiled sofa, in the back-up lair that Doom had arranged for him after Susan Storm had compromised the former pork processing plant. A slice of New York's finest pie lay across his great, greasy stomach.

"I only went out for pizza!" The pig-man protested.

"Then explain this."

The screen flickered on the opposite wall flickered. A news cast was patched in. Some tasty Latina brunette, a crucifix on a gold chain buried between her cleavage.

"...up to sixteen women may have been impregnated during the mass sexual **** on the Right-To-Life Headquarters in Queens this afternoon. According to eyewitnesses, a pig-like man, possibly a mutant, invaded the premises and used some kind of mind-control to **** all of the women in the vicinity into a graphic orgy. Members of the Porkers Gang, wearing their characteristic pig masks, videotaped the entire event and uploaded the footage to various pornographic websites on the web."

The Latina reporter's face was grim and serious, though Porkum was momentarily distracted by the hint of a lacy bra as it crept into her cleavage.

"This is the second such **** by the Porkers Gang this week, following the mass sexual **** of the Sisters of Immaculate Conception. This religious organization was also heavily involved in the local pro-life movement, staging protests outside of abortion clinics and operating fertility wellness centers that encourage women to carry pregnancies to term. Members of the pro-choice movement have noted the deceptive tactics that..."

"It isn't me!" Porkum said.

He leaned forward, ass precariously balanced on the edge of the couch. Gravity and fiction fought a losing battle as the slice of pizza slowly slid off of his rotund gut. It struck the immense cable-like prick on its way to the floor. Porkum made a note to eat it later.

"Then you had better find out who," Doom said. "Sue Storm has not been idle during her convalescence. She has put out feelers in the superhero, intelligence, and police communities. A porcine mutant with sexual crimes can attract unwanted attention."

"But that's good, right?" Porkum said. "I mean, let all the supes and spooks chase this other asshole. Why the fuck do we care?"

"Because I have spent considerable resources in hiding your existence," Doom said levelly. "The harder they look for this...copycat...the more difficult it is to hide your own existence. We need this Porker Gang brought to heel now, before your existence is confirmed beyond all doubt."

Porkum scowled.

"So you're sayin', you want me to find this fucker and truss him up for the cops," the mutant said.

"Precisely. I trust you can manage that much, on your own?" Doom said.

The pig-man scratched the hairs on his chinny-chin-chin. "I'm gonna need some cash."

Doom was silent for a moment.

"I will provide funds. You must provide the results."