Never Letting Go

“What?” Jay asks in shock.

‘I came here to say goodbye.’

What does she mean by that?

“I have brought nothing to this relationship… but problems on top of problems.” Becca tearfully tells you. “You… don’t deserve that. None of you do.” Becca adds in between sniffles.

You can only stare at Becca in disbelief. You can’t even process the words that are coming out of her at this moment.

“You will all be better off without me.” Becca continues, chuckling at her own gallows humor, as tears continue to run down her cheeks.

“And who told you that?” You ask her, your undirected fury bubbling underneath the surface.

“No one had to—” Becca starts to answer, but you don’t even let her finish before you shout back. Her answer made it immediately clear to whom you should direct your anger for making your girlfriend feel this way.

“Then why even think that!?” You ask her in a shout.

“Because what else should I think!?” Becca shouts back. “It’s clear that you’d all be blissful right now if I never took an interest in you.” Becca adds, and you have to clench your fists upon hearing it.

“So I’m a mistake.” You conclude through gritted teeth.

“That’s not what I said.” Becca replies defensively.

“It might as well have been.” You tell her, and you can tell that Becca didn’t take that sentiment too kindly.

“Is that what you need to do? Make me sound more like a monster in order to accept my decision?” Becca asks you angrily.

“You are NOT a monster!” You shout at her, angry at her for even thinking that of herself. Because compared to everyone in her family, she’s a fucking saint.

“And I DON’T. ACCEPT. ANYTHING!” You add, shouting even louder. All Becca can do is cower in her place at your show of anger.

…

“Do you regret being with me?” You ask her directly, taking Becca by surprise. You asked it in a much quieter volume, but you are no less angry as before. Becca sees that this is not a question borne from your anger, but a question borne from hurt.

“I don’t regret anything when it comes to you.” Becca answers your anger with a bittersweet smile and serenity, as she caresses your cheek.

“But what I do regret… is... who I am. Who my family are.” Becca answers. “And being blind to the fact that the world seems to think I don’t deserve happiness.” Becca adds, looking tormented by her admission.

“The time I’ve spent with you… getting to know you and the girls… they’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been.” Becca tells you sweetly.

“But apparently, all I deserve is another problem to solve. Another plot to scheme. Another threat to make. Try as I must… it seems that’s all I’ll ever be good for.” Becca continues, her voice growing quieter as she does.

“I’m just a tool.” Becca adds, her voice almost a whisper.

“Not to me.” You tell her, in the same whispery manner.

“And you’re a fool for believing so.” Becca tells you, but not in a way to hurt you, as it seems it pains her more to say than it is for you to hear. “If you only saw me for what I am, you’d have rid yourself of me the moment my father threatened to separate you and Cassie.” Becca adds.

“I don’t blame you for the faults of your family, Becca.” You tell her.

“I know you don’t.” Becca says with a bittersweet smile. “But someone should.” She adds, as new tears begin to pool in her eyes.

“Do you really think so?” You ask her rhetorically. “So was Brooke right to blame herself for Courtney’s stubbornness? Was Stella and Cassie right to blame themselves for not being able to match each other’s wishes? Was Viv right to blame herself for what Hal and Celeste made her feel?” You start questioning Becca continuously.

“Do you think I should continue blaming myself for my ex-wife thinking I wasn’t enough?” You ask, and Becca can only look away in shame after your question.

“There’s no good that can come out of that line of thinking, Becca. I’d know more than anyone.” You tell her. “And I get it. It’s easy to fall into that trap of blaming yourself. But even if I was in the depths of my self-blame, I would never allow it to result in hurting the people I love.” You add, your anger surfacing in your voice again.

“I’m not trying to hurt you.” She tells you genuinely. “What I’m trying to do… is save you and the others from even more pain.” Becca adds tearfully.

“It will never end, Jay.” She warns you. “I choose a side between my parents now, the other will eventually retaliate. If I don’t choose a side, they’ll both come after me. And in either case, you and the girls will suffer most by being in the middle of it.” Becca explains.

“I can’t allow that to happen.” Becca says. “I won’t allow them to hurt any of you.” She adds.

“And your plan to NOT hurt us is… what? To say ‘goodbye’?” You ask sarcastically.

“You may blame me for sounding cold now, but you’ll thank me in the long run. It’ll be easier for you to forget about me while we’re at this stage in our relationship. We’ve only been dating for a short period of time. To end this now…” Becca says, before taking a pause. “...It’s the logical choice.” Becca continues, sparking your fury to bubble over the surface once more.

“FUCK! LOGIC!” You shout, taking Becca by surprise again.

“It wasn’t logic that made you interested in me. It wasn’t logic that made me feel that your interest was genuine. And it sure as hell wasn’t logic that made me fall in love with you.” You tell her, releasing the fury that built up inside you.

…

“If you leave, you’ll hurt me more than any threat your parents can make.” You tell her, and the words spark another flurry of tears from Becca.

Becca lowers her head to try and hide her tears. Her once immaculately groomed hair has become a mess, curtaining her face. Her shoulders are slumped, seemingly unable to carry the weight of the world on them.

You close the distance between the two of you, allowing her to rest her forehead on your chest before wrapping your arms around her shoulders. You then tighten your hug, hoping that she’ll understand that you’ll quite literally never let her go.

“Why?” Becca asks.

You’re not sure what she’s asking, but understand that she’s just having a hard time asking it in between tears. You caress her back to try and comfort her.

“Why won’t you just give up on me?” Becca asks you, her tears flowing.

“Because you’re worth—” You try to answer, but Becca cuts you off.

“No!” Becca shouts. “I’m not worth it.” Becca adds in a much quieter tone, and you try to comfort her once more by caressing her back, but all this does is infuriate her further.

“I! AM! NOT! WORTH! IT!” Becca shouts, while clubbing your chest with her hand after each word. You separate from Becca slightly, before cupping her cheeks with your hands and forcing her to look you in the eyes.

You wipe away the tears that are still flowing down her cheeks with your thumb before telling her, “YES. YOU. ARE.”

“You’re worth it, Becca.” You tell her again.

“Why?” Becca asks, all her self-doubt being wrapped up in one simple question.

“Because you love me.” You tell her confidently.

“And because I love you.” You add, before closing the gap between your lips and hers, sealing your genuine feelings with a kiss.

Becca doesn’t return your kiss however. Your lips can tell that hers are still curled up into a frown. You lower your arms back down to her shoulders and you can feel her shuddering with every sniffling breath she takes. When you part your lips from hers, Becca immediately turns her head away. Her eyes are still closed, and her lips are indeed curled into a frown.

“It’s because I love you that I have to go.” Becca tells you, but you can tell she doesn’t fully believe what she’s saying. She can’t even look at you, or anything for that matter, when she says it.

You wrap her around your arms once more. Tighter than you’ve ever held anyone.

“I’m never letting you go.”