Is She Serious?

I think maybe I just didn't quite figure that she was actually serious. I mean I knew what it was that she was saying, what her whole plan was. But at the same time it felt like something so very incidental to me that I never really took her at her word.

Really what it comes down to is a crisis of confidence, one that I suffer from in spite of all the evidence to the contrary. I know that I'm important to people, or at very least of interest to them. I've seen the look on the faces of people like Lucas and Rachel and even Blake, lighting up when I walk into the room. I know that they've got some form of investment in seeing me, in making my experience better.

But knowing and acknowledging that are two different things. Knowing it and accepting? Maybe that is a better way to put it.

Last night Rachel made me cum and cum hard with her fingers and her words and her touch and that fucking blindfold that made the whole moment so much more intense. She made me shudder and shake and it was all played up and made up on the spot because I didn't have any toys, didn't have anything she could use to make me cum.

And yes, she promised me afterward that it was something we would rectify and even pointed out that we were coming downtown, which was a perfect opportunity to do just that. She said nothing to me that made me think she was playing with that, in fact I strongly suspect that Rachel was flighty in a lot of ways but she took sex and sexuality deadly serious.

Still I didn't really believe it.

I know why. I really do. It's because the toys were for me. They were for my experimentation, for broadening my horizons. They were for my pleasure and my experience, and my having them gave no benefit to her whatsoever.

I'm not a selfish person. I feel I need to make that clear. In fact in my life I've usually been the opposite. On the few times that I've managed to get close to people I so thoroughly give myself over to pleasing them that I often forget to please myself. The few experiences I've had, in my old life at least, that I could classify as approaching a relationship almost always failed because they didn't see a future with a mirror that agreed with them and a **** that catered to their every whim. Anyone who wants to surround themselves with yes men is a person that you really don't want to be around, so maybe in spite of my loneliness I was gifted with the fact that I never was with someone who took advantage of that.

But that selflessness also came with an inability to see any value in my own needs being catered to. The other side of the coin where I gave everything to someone else was an innate belief that I didn't deserve anything myself and is that a horrendous way to go through life? Absolutely. But it's also just the way things are.

Getting boobs isn't going to magically make my almost innate character flaws go away.

"Are you sure?" I ask her, still hesitant even as I see Rachel beside me twitch with a little bit of frustration at my response.

She could have predicted this. She should have predicted this.

"Emily," she sighs, turning to me, "If this is too much for you, just let me know. Look, I want to go in there and I want to have a whole lot of fun picking out things that are going to satisfy you, but if you're going to be some kind of puritan about the thing then-"

"No it's not that," I protest, realizing she misunderstood me, "I think it would be..."

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