Cozy and Kinky, by RejecTed

“NOT THE PIRATE STORY!”

“Cool down, Gina.”

“No, I don’t think I will Marcie. What is it with Ted constantly writing stuff he shouldn’t write?”

“Well, he was never the smartest elf in the workshop, otherwise he would have taken my advice. But alas we are reading Cozy and Kinky, by RejecTed”

“Wait, this is a story about snow?”

“Indeed, Gina. Snow is rather often given the cold shoulder when it comes to sex scenes.”

“Great, I bet this gets dickgirl guy to comment again that INDEED he has a branch were Lois gets fucked by a penguin!”

“That is a very blizzard and troubling leap to make Gina but there are no penguins here as far as I can tell. Just some wintry winter wight.”

“Yeah, yeah whatever, It’s Ted so at least it won’t be ass.”

“Will this story melt Gina’s frozen vagina or will she remain as frigid as a frozen tundra? There is only one way to find out.”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

Unlike some of the winter spirits, Jacqueline loved humans. They were so much fun and had so many emotions and could be so good to one another if given the right push, especially when they got all worked up with those activities. What were humans calling them now? Fetishes? Bdsum? Yes that was it beady-essem, when the humans put on leather and rope and spanked each other. Oh, it was so much fun! Sometimes she'd be allowed to help, whipping the sub with her winds. Other times she'd just watch, let them have their fun alone; then when they were all cozy up by the fire, she'd sneak in and kiss their noses.

“This winter spirit does not know the terms for BDSM but she does know the term for sub. Hmm, leave it to Ted to already have narrative dissonance in the first chapter. I can already tell, this story will be about as cohesive as a snowball in hell.”

“Marcie, are you going to bitch and pun this entire review again?”

“Yes? That is quite literally my shtick, Gina.”

“I smack you with MY stick if you don’t stop!”

“You have snow chill, Gina. So, this snowy specter is up to some shivering shenanigans and we can now choose between three frosty branches. And while all of them sound very cool, we have to give two of them the cold shoulder.”

A lesbian and her destined bi mistress

Miss Lovein' the Worst Case Scenarios

The Bonds of Friendship

“GEEZ! I wonder which one we are going to pick!”

“Don’t you mean, which one we are going to ICEpick?”

“...”

“I hope Ted is not planning on pandering with that one to us. Because my tolerance for pandering is at sub zero.”

“Marcie.”

“Yes, Gina?”

“Stop.”

“Not appreciating my cool puns? No worry, I am sure you will warm up to them.”

SMACK!

“Ouch! What is wrong with you!”

“I told you I smack you with a stick!”

“Alright, Krampus, geez. I will…”

“Marcie. I am warning you...”

“...cool it with the...”

SMACK!

SMACK!

SMACK!

CRACK!

*One visit to the emergency ward later.*

“So anyways, of course we went with the lesbian option.”

The two women were getting married, strengthening their bond by dancing and wrestling throughout the night. Moreover, their revelry had attracted a friendly demon, which Claire appreciated immensely More units were always better as the world Thea seemed particularly perilous for her small village.

“What in the…? I know these are words and they somehow appear to be arranged in a structural format resembling sentences but...what?”

“Oh for fucks sake, Marcie! In the very next paragraph it’s revealed that Claire is just playing a video game!”

“Granted...but...what? Perhaps my head trauma is to blame for my lack of understanding.”

“This branch is about Claire and May, who are living in an apartment complex. May is throwing a party and invites Claire for some reason.”

“I just want to point out that we are reading a story about May...in May!”

“...is this some sort of masturbation joke or something?”

“Perish the thought. But Claire does have something special about her. She is in a wheelchair.”

“Meh, I don’t care if they are crippled as long as they are hot. Makes it easier to bully them!”

“Gina, that is the most inclusively offensive statement I ever heard coming out of your mouth.”

“Thanks?”

“It has been a while since we last featured a story with a disabled protagonist. In fact, I think the last one was all the way back with King Edward?”

“Physically disabled at least. We covered plenty of mentally disabled protagonists.”

“That is true, Gina.”

“Anyways, May's party gets going. And it’s beach themed for some reason. So everyone shows up in swimsuits, it’s not just girls though, which sucks.”

“I wonder if Ted has ever heard of Chekhov's gun. Normally I would assume any self respecting writer had, but this is Ted we are talking about. We should assume nothing.”

“Marcie…”

Thick towels had been layered between the carpet and the small inflatable pool, which seemed to be the focus of the party. Within the pool, a man with gray hair and a wiry body splashed about in the shin deep water. Hugo (as May introduced him) wore trunks as well as water-wings, an inner-tube, and a snorkel mask. "I think you'll be our last guest," he said in a squeaky voice that betrayed his age much better than the vibrant wave he gave Claire. "I doubt the vampire will risk coming with those lights set up." He thumbed towards a set of growth lamps that had been arranged to create a so labeled tanning zone. "I think everyone else was out for the holidays, except for Alex, who went to her grandma's house the moment the storm started."

“I am just saying there is a lot of information about this party that seems rather inconsequential. Do we really need to know about that vampire or that Alex is visiting her grandma or that Hugo is wearing water-wings?”

“Maybe it’s an important plot point for later, Marcie? Have you ever considered that?”

“Gina please, if any of this information does come up again in the remaining chapters, I will let you melt ice cubes on my nipples.”

“Oh, you’re fucking on! Better get ready, because I’m using the big ones!”

“I suppose we should continue with the story.”

“Blah! Party goes on, blah blah blah, eventually everyone fucks off except for Claire and May who watch a movie.”

"So Dwayne had that jet ski there the whole time?" clarified Claire, as the credits played.

"Why didn't he use it when Shelia needed to get to the shipwreck?"

"See, I'll get you to tie me up and I'll escape just like Tiff."

“Oh, this is just downright absurd!”

“What is it now, Marcie?”

“Nobody remembers the names from characters of a movie they just watched! This dialogue is atrocious!"

“Marcie…you do that all the time.”

Claire watched with a fair amount of shadenfreude

“Actually, it is spelled Schadenfreude. Schaden as in “damage” it has nothing to do with shade. But of course I would not expect Ted to know that."

“For fucks sake, Marcie! Are you going to nitpick every single paragraph!”

“Gina, you do not allow me to make any puns, I have to fill our airtime with something.”

“We are already on page seven!”

“Well, on the bright side, we have our first somewhat sexy scene when May decided to show off her escape skills by having Claire tie her up. Good for you, Gina.”

“What do you mean, good for me?”

“I thought you always liked this type of bondage.”

“Yeah! But nothing happens! Like come on! Fuck each other already!"

“Gina please.”

“Seriously! Why doesn’t Claire use the opportunity to...I don’t know have fun with her defenseless victim!”

“I think the story wants to go for a slow burn.”

“But it’s snow themed!”

“…”

“...”

“...was this your attempt at a pun, Gina?”

“N-No…! Bah, whatever! These two clearly have the hots for each other, but there just playing videogames and frisbee! It’s so frustrating!”

“At least May loses a bet and now has to be Claire’s maid.”

“Ok, that’s kinda sexy but...then the story just ends right when it gets good! Ugghhh!!!"

“Hm yes, we do have reached ten chapter. Which is also the deepest path. Oh my, looks like I have won our little bet. No mention of any vampires."

“Grrrrr, I knew we should have read the pirate story!”

“Gina.”

“This one was just a bunch of nothing!”

“The story is very clearly still in the set up phase. But even then I have issues with it.”

“So do I!”

“Do you want to go first, Gina?”

“Didn’t I already? I said there was nothing!”

“Can you be a bit more specific?”

“I mean, there was just a lot of bullshit! There should have been sex! Or at least a tickle scene when May was tied up! So far this is just two girls having fun and not of the sexy kind!”

“You know, I do not think the pacing is actually that glacial. Once that story is fifty chapter long or so I think this is a fairly swift moving beginning but since the beginning is all we have right now it does unfortunately leave a lot to be desired. Like a snowman without a carrot."

"I know were I would stick a carrot."

“Then there is the matter of theming.”

“Blah, aren't we done?"

“The story is themed around snow and ice and while that is present, it is not quite as prevalent as I was hoping. The maid theme, while, a classic doesn’t really seem to fit with the whole winter aesthetic. Why doesn’t Claire make May dress up as a sexy Santa? Or Rudolf? Make her pull the wheelchair like a reindeer. And if she doesn’t do a good enough job, then Claire can give her a spanking with a rod to spur her on.”

“Now you’re just reminding me of sumedokins fucking Santa story, Marcie. And that one had even less sex!”

“My apologies. My point is this story lacks substance, like an icecube melting in May."

“Which would at least have been sexier then this.”

“Speaking off, I better get those ice cubes ready for your punishment.”

“What? That wasn’t part of the deal!”

“Ah, but you see, Gina.”

“What, Marcie?”

“That’s the ice thing about it.”