Pursuit of Happiness

The following chapter follows Stella and Cassie in 3rd Person POV

“What?” Stella can’t help but react in confusion.

“I don’t want us to go ‘back to normal’. Given the choice, I want us to be more than that. I want us to be… more than normal.” Cassie tries to explain.

“What does that mean!?” Stella asks.

“I love you, Stella.” Cassie suddenly says, making Stella slightly more confused.

“I love you too, Cass.” Stella responds, almost out of instinct. “You know that.” Stella adds, trying to convey that sharing those feelings are nothing new to them.

“No, Stella. I mean, I love you.” Cassie responds. Stella can’t help but blush and look away from Cassie after hearing her confession. It’s not a confession she hasn’t heard before, but it’s a sentiment that she’s still not used to hearing from her best friend. It’s also a sentiment that she can’t as easily return.

“I—” Stella tries to say, before Cassie cuts her off.

“You don’t have to ‘Han Solo’ me, Stella. I know you know… and I know you don’t feel the same way.” Cassie interrupts.

“I never said that!” Stella says defensively.

“You didn’t have to!” Cassie points out. “I know your apprehensions, I know why you have them, and… and now I know I can’t do anything to convince you otherwise. That’s why… that’s why I get awkward around you sometimes when it’s just the two of us. I have this internal battle between respecting your wishes and just being your best friend, and this urge to selfishly pursue a relationship with you.” Cassie admits.

“How long have you been dealing with those feelings?” Stella asks her.

“I don’t know. A while?” Cassie answers.

“When you initially told me you had feelings for me, you said it was a passing thing. You made it sound like it wasn’t as serious as this.” Stella reminds her.

“I gave myself an out, okay!? I… I was afraid that if I told you how I really felt then, you’d outright reject the idea without giving me the chance to show you how I really felt. It’s the same out you gave yourself when you said you’re open to the idea just so that you won’t hurt me.” Cassie explains.

“Plus, I didn’t exactly find it the best time to admit I had full blown feelings for you right after you just said you’re not interested in anyone unless your dad was involved.” Cassie adds.

“Is this what this is about? Sex?” Stella asks, and Cassie immediately reacts with a look of offense.

“No! Of course not!” Cassie verbalizes her reaction.

“Then what is this about? What’s not enough for you? What do you feel is missing that I haven’t been giving you?” Stella asks.

“Nothing! Nothing’s missing! You know our friendship is more than I could ever ask for.” Cassie answers, but Stella remains silent. Stella’s waiting for Cassie to answer the question that she initially asked.

“What this is about… is me hoping you can see me — the way I see you.” Cassie finally adds.

Though Stella doesn’t say a word, the look she gives Cassie is clear. Stella’s asking ‘how do you see me?’

“I see you and your dad as my family, Stella. My real family.” Cassie tells her.

“I see you that way too, Cass. Dad does too.” Stella immediately assures her.

“You didn’t let me finish.” Cassie tells her, subtly hinting that what she’s about to say will take her some time to fully express. “I see you as my family, but I know I’m not.” Cassie starts to say, but Stella holds back her immediate reaction in respect of Cassie’s wishes.

“That became more apparent when mom and I moved. I barely had any meaningful relationship with her growing up, let alone her family. I sure as hell will never see myself as a Hoffman either. And back then, Jay was just a fantasy. I didn’t know what I meant to him yet, and I thought he had only seen me as his daughter’s friend he had to babysit. So for the longest time, you were the only person that I truly considered… a ‘loved one’.” Cassie explains.

“I promised myself that I’ll make my way back to you eventually. Whatever college you chose, that’s where I would’ve gone too. And once I got back to you, I also promised myself to never let go.” Cassie adds, rubbing Stella’s palms with her thumbs the same way Stella did to her earlier.

“And when we were back spending all our time together, I slowly realized I was breaking my promise. I was letting go. Maybe not of you, but of what I truly felt for you. I fooled myself into thinking I was going to be happy just being your ‘sister’ again. Hanging out with you and supporting each other through everything. I convinced myself I didn’t want to risk what we had. I’d rather let those feelings go than risk you letting me go.” Cassie continues.

“But then… you told me to ‘be happy’. To not be afraid of pursuing my happiness. To not miss the opportunity to be with Jay now that I could. We joke that you knew what I felt for him even before I did, and to be honest, I didn’t know how much I truly loved him until it became possible for us to be together. It’s the kind of love that makes it impossible to think of a future without that person. The kind of love that will make me do anything to make sure I grow old with that person. The kind of love that… that I had for you.” Cassie finally admits.

“How long? How long exactly have you been holding back telling me you’ve had just as intense feelings for me as you had for Dad?” Stella once again asks.

“Does it matter?” Cassie asks back.

“It matters to me! I want to know how long you’ve been lying to me!” Stella shouts, tears welling up in her eyes.

“Stella, I wasn’t lying to you! I’ve always known I’ve had these feelings for you!” Cassie shouts back defensively.

“And hiding your feelings for me isn’t lying!?” Stella asks incredulously.

“Because I knew that telling you wouldn’t amount to anything. Your reaction right now is basically everything I was afraid of happening!” Cassie reacts, clearly distressed at the turn their conversation went to.

“If you had that preconceived notion already, then why tell me at all!?” Stella asks, failing to hold back her tears any longer.

“Because if being with your dad isn’t just a fantasy for me anymore, then why should you be?” Cassie answers, wiping away the tears in Stella’s eyes with her thumb.

“It’s the reason why I even sorta admitted that I had feelings for you in the first place. It’s the reason why I’ve suddenly had this internal back and forth on whether I should tell you how I really feel or just be happy being your best friend. I never had this struggle before since I never had any reason to think we had any chance at having a romantic relationship. All of that changed when I became Jay’s girlfriend… and when you became his girlfriend with me.” Cassie adds.

“If he can have both of us, why can’t we all have each other?” Cassie asks.

“Cass…” Stella starts to say, but her words are caught up in her throat.

“You don’t need to **** yourself to feel the same way, Stella. Now that you know—now that you really know what I feel, that’s all that matters to me. Because in the end, it means I followed your advice to ‘be happy’.” Cassie says, seeing how Stella is struggling to speak.

“I’ll always love you. Whatever you say, whether good or bad, it means I don’t need to struggle with what I want anymore. I know where we’ll stand… and that’s enough.” Cassie adds.

“Cass, it’s not that I need to **** myself to feel anything towards you. I love you. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.” Stella tells her.

“But…” Cassie immediately interjects as soon as Stella pauses.

“No ‘buts’. That’s my truth.” Stella assures.

“But…” Cassie repeats, knowing Stella’s clearly building up to something.

“But what do you expect from me!?” Stella asks in frustration. “What do you expect from me, really? What’s a ‘romantic’ relationship between us even gonna change? We’re each other's ride or die either way. We’re co-girlfriends either way. We’re still going to be sharing each other with dad’s other girlfriends either way. We’re going to hang out just the two of us either way. What’s a fucking label gonna change?” Stella starts to question rapidly.

“Why… fucking… why…” Stella tries to ask, before clenching her fists in order to stop herself from finishing the question that she obviously wants to ask out loud.

“Why do I need you to break my heart?” Cassie completes the thought for her.

As soon as Stella realizes that Cassie already understands, she can’t hold back her tears any longer and buries her face in Cassie’s chest. Though Cassie wants to tear up too, knowing that Stella’s reaction is a confirmation of what she feared, Cassie can only smile a schadenfreudian smile at her own misfortune. She hugs Stella around her shoulders, consoling her best friend who she just **** to hurt her without intending to.

Cassie can’t help but look up at the night’s sky as Stella continues to bawl on her chest. The city’s lights prevent her from seeing any stars, and the moon isn’t shining brightly or even in a recognizable phase in its cycle. It isn’t half or full, or a new moon or a crescent moon. It’s just another phase.

Cassie hopes this too shall be.