The Holy Fail

"You are making this up!" Cassie accused. "Me being named after a gorilla? I'll buy that. Mom saving Aunt Dana by staring down a troop of gorillas? I can see that, considering how she scared my highschool principal Mrs. Evermore at that meeting when I got into that fight with that cheerleader bitch."

"Never in my life have I seen a former US Marine wet herself in terror at an angry parent..." Steven commented.

"But come the hell on! A knight?!" Cassie exclaimed, "An actual knight walking around by itself?! Look, I know this story is embarrassing for the two of you, but I wasn't lying about the report. I need you guys to be serious!"

"Believe it or not, we are serious." Mary said, "And if you let us finish, we'll explain..."

"What the actual hell?" Mary muttered in disbelief as the knight stood before them.

"Uh..." The Knight stammered briefly before clearing his throat. "Leave thy sanctum, Young Fool and Harlot! Or face my - er, thyne wrath of... The Black Knight!"

"... You have got to be freaking kidding me." Steven and Mary deadpanned simultaneously. Steven shook his head and added, "You are not any kind of knight."

"Silence your tongue, ye foolish naked knave!" The "Knight" ordered. "I am the very same Black Knight that slew King Arthur in battle!"

"King Arthur wasn't even a real person, Dipstick!" Mary said, not believing what was going on.

"That he was, you harlot! It was after he used The Holy Hand Grenade to destroy The Dreaded -"

"That was Monty Python, you idiot!" Steven and Mary snapped in unison.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"... Alright! Fine! I ain't no real knight!" The "Knight" relented, now in a thick New Jersey accent. Raising the flail in his hand he added, "But this whatchamacallit is real..."

All the annoyance that Steven and Mary had at that moment was replaced with fear...

"... And that's what happened!" Dana finished as she sat in the passengers seat with Sam at the wheel. "And that creepo is still out there, hunting them down to post their pictures online!"

"Dang." Sam said, shaking his head. "What a freaking night for ninety-eight percent of the precinct to be at The Policeman's Ball tonight and with only ten officers on patrol at each point. Any idea where they went?"

"Last I heard, Steven said something about the museum."

"Well, with over twenty museums in this town, that certainly narrows the search down to... Every museum in town." Sam muttered sarcastically.

"It was the one in that direction." Dana said as she pointed in the direction that Steven, Mary, and Gus ran in.

"There's three in that direction, but let's give it a try." Sam said as he placed his keys into the ignition. A second later, he chuckled in amusement.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing, it's just that..." Sam cleared his throat, "You went on vacation with some of your college buddies, camping out for two weeks without seeing any wildlife. You returned to town and, on your first night back, you get sprayed by a skunk twice."

"Shut up."

"Don't worry. I'm sure after your tomato bath, you can just snuggle up with your countless Eeyore plushies that Mom says you still have."

"I said, 'Shut up'!" Dana hissed.

"Oh, I'm just giving you a hard time, Big Sis!" Sam said with a chuckle, "Besides, you can't tell me that that's the one tattoo you got that you regret."

"... ... I never said that."

Gus entered the open door of the museum, camera in hand as he looked around. "This place is 'uge." He muttered, "How the 'ell am I gonna find them in a place like -"

Gus' words died immediately as he felt a blade lightly pressed to the crook of his neck, looking to his left to see a woman dressed all in black with her blonde hair tied in a ponytail glaring at him.

"What the 'ell you think ya doing 'ere?!" The woman snapped in a thick Australian accent. "Come to rat us out to the coppas, eh, ya bloody Yankee?"

"Whoa there, Missy!" Gus exclaimed, stepping back a bit as the woman aimed her knife at him. "I ain't callin' no cops on ya! Whatever ya doin' is what ya doin'!"

"And whatcha doin' with that camera, eh?" The Woman asked, gesturing to the camera in his hands. "Ya some kinda dobber? A jurno?"

"Am Ah a what?!"

"I'm asking the questions 'ere, Mate!" The Woman snapped, "Now, I want your bog standard on your bizzo 'ere, yeah? Ya don't wanna see me as mad as a cut snake, do ya? No, ya don't. Are you a stickybeak, or are your kangaroos loose in the top paddock?"

"Dagnabit! What in tarnation are ya even saying?!"

The Woman opened her mouth to speak, only for the sounds of metallic footsteps to echo through the hall to catch both off guard.

"What the hell?" Gus asked.

The Woman groaned in annoyance, grabbing Gus' pant leg and nailing it to the wall with her knife, plunging the blade deep into the wall.

"You move, you die." The Woman threatened as she marched towards the sound of the noise.

"I know you two little nude freaks are in here..." The "Knight" said sinisterly as he looked around a hall dedicated to prehistoric life, passing a diorama of a caveman defending a cavewoman from a saber-toothed tiger.

Not once noticing that both cave people were completely naked.

"Aha!" The "Knight" shouted as he peeked around the skeleton of a giant ground sloth, letting out an annoyed grunt.

"What the 'ell are ya doing, ya drongo?!"

"Gah!" The "Knight" screamed in terror, tossing the flail over his shoulder as the weapon made contact with the smilodon, knocking it over as the "caveman" stifled a yelp. The "Knight" turned around and came face to face with The Woman. "Caitlyn! Don't scare me like that!"

"I told ya not to put that stupid suit of armor on, Ash!" Caitlyn snapped, grabbing the helmet off the man and tossing it aside; revealing a pale skinned brunette man underneath. "We're 'ear to steal those Egyptian Pharaoh's Royal Jewels. Not pretend it's freaking 'alloween!"

"Jewel thieves..." Mary whispered.

"Look, if it means anything, I was trying to chase away those two naked people, and -"

"Ya were making that much racket because ya caught a couple in the nuddy?" Caitlyn asked in disbelief. "Are you trying to get me spewin' or are ya kangaroos loose in the top paddock, ya drongo Yankee? I sprung some bloke in just his strides with a camera sneaking in!"

"Oh, not him again..." Steven muttered.

"Look, I'm sorry, okay. I just got curious and..." Ash trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Just shut up and take that suit off!"

"One small problem." Ash said with a sheepish chuckle, "See, the armor wouldn't fit over my clothes and -"

"Please don't tell me your in the nuddy under there."

"Well, I'm in my boxers, but..."

"Oh, for crying - Just take that suit off, get dressed, and meet me at the Egypt wing!" Caitlyn ordered, turning to stomp out of the room. "I need to make sure our shirtless intruder doesn't go to any coppas!"

As Ash took off the armor, Steven and Mary looked at each other, both trying to think about what to do...

"The things Ah do for that buddy of mine..." Gus muttered as he made his way down the halls of the museum, dressed in only his shoes and boxers. Unable to remove the knife from his pants and the wall, the man was **** to ditch them and continue his search while desperately making sure not to run into that crazy Australian woman again.

"Well, that was the art museum, and that was a bust." Sam said to Dana as he returned to his car, "One down, two to go..."