Testing the blackboard on Aoi and Sakura

"Hello? Anybody in?" A sunshiny voice came from the entrance to the cafe.

Teruteru couldn't see who it belonged to. Crouched and short of stature as he was, even his recognizable hair was hidden from view where he'd been cleaning the floor. He was debating whether to greet his entrants immediately or not; after all, he hadn't decided what to do with the blackboard yet.

He made up his mind quickly. Before anything else, he was a chef. He could hardly leave hungry customers waiting over something like that.

There was just one thing he was sure he couldn't do, and that was leave that blackboard in sight with the muffin special on it. If it worked how he thought it did, his customers would end up diving through his trash for food. His pride wouldn't allow that! Ignoring the state of his floor and his oven, he grabbed a rag and rushed over to the table his first two guests had been seated at. They hadn't had a chance to use it, so it didn't need to be cleaned. His target was the blackboard: he hurriedly cleared it with the rag, then whirled around and hid it behind his bag. "Welcome to... to..." his words trailed off as he saw who had arrived.

The voice he'd heard before belonged to Aoi Asahina, the Ultimate Swimmer. In a way, she could be considered the ideal patron for his cafe: she was outgoing and friendly, and while they weren't exactly friends, she seemed too scatterbrained to either know or remember Teruteru's reputation. Most importantly, she was a known big eater. And second most imporantly... she was a total knockout! Tan-skin, big smile, huge boobs, great legs, a nice ass, and an athlete's fitness. She was dressed today in her usual red track jacket unzipped to show her tee shirt and blue shorts, along with sneakers that couldn't stay still, clopping on the cafe's tile floor in a suspended run. "Oh, check it out! Getting your exercise in while there aren't any customers, huh? Nice idea!"

The other presence was what had given Teruteru pause: he was surprised he hadn't been able to sense it from across the room. The figure behind Aoi dwarfed her, radiating intensity that made Teruteru feel like he'd just been carted in front of the judge of hell. The Ultimate Martial Artist, Sakura Ogami, was clad in a nearly-traditional skirted school uniform, if one ignored wraps on her arms and legs, her sandal-clad feet, and her unbelievable physique. In contrast to her friend's soft curves, Sakura's body was carved out of a mountain. She was almost two Teruterus tall and two Teruterus wide, all tanned and scar-covered muscle. Her severe gaze was persistent beneath her sun-bleached and wild white hair. She didn't make a comment, but he heard a grunt. She might have been agreeing with Aoi.

"Well, you know... oui!" Teruteru recovered his composure quickly. Faster than many might, he adjusted to Sakura's unique presence after realizing she wasn't attacking him. That wasn't because he was some enlightened saint or a flawless judge of character... It was because his strike zone was more like a baseball stadium. "Can a guy get this lucky?! Two hungry hotties inbound! A lil' sweet and a whole lotta savory... best'a both worlds! What ah wouldn' do ta get mah hands on those two!!" His reaction was hardly controllable as he realized this wasn't just a hypothetical. With the power of the blackboard, maybe it could be reality...!

"Are you well?" Sakura asked in her level voice, her face not reflecting any of the concern of the question. "Someone in your shape should be wary of suddenly stressing his body. A long journey of fitness best begins with a steady step."

"He's wearing a big smile, so I think he's okay," Aoi remarked, waving her hand in front of him. "So, hey! The two of us are the ones really in trouble. There's still food here, right? Makoto told us there were donuts!"

"I recall Makoto mentioning muffins," Sakura corrected her. She pulled out a seat, still watching Teruteru curiously, and offered it to Aoi before taking the opposite one for herself. "I admit I am curious. Makoto and Kyoko were so eager to advertise them."

"Yeah, but it was so weird! I asked about them later, and even Kyoko said they were yummy!"

"Not in those words," Sakura added.

"But when I asked those two to describe them, those donuts sounded burnt! I mean, you're the chef and I'm nobody, but they sounded burnt to me, and this place smells burnt to me, and now I don't know what to think. No offense, but if you can't feed the two of us, can you let Sakura and I know? We're in the danger zone between eating and training, no time to spare!"

Teruteru looked between the two of them, having regained some of his composure. There'd be time to indulge in his fantasies later: the time to be a gracious host was now. "You two came to the right place! Frankly, I thought it was quite strange that the two of you hadn't shown up to take advantage of my cafe's specials! Did Makoto and Kyoko tell you your first order is on the house? Wow! Tres magnifique, no?" Saying this, Teruteru suddenly realized he'd given his first customers of the day their fourth meal on the house as well and swallowed a silent curse.

"Yay! So how about those chocolate donuts?" Aoi asked with enthusiasm.

Teruteru sighed, but smiled. There'd never been any chocolate donuts, but if they were requested, who was he to say no? He took out a pink piece of chalk that he'd snagged earlier and flashed it across the blackboard in his fancy handwriting. "Well, what do you know? It just so turns out, that's the daily special!" Putting his finishing touches on his handiwork, he turned it to Aoi. It read:

TRY OUR SPECIAL CHOCO-DONUTS!

TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT OUR DAILY SPECIALS!

The swimmer turned her big, sparkling blue eyes to the board. She scanned it. Her smile fell, became a frown just briefly, and straightened into a smaller, apologetic grin. "Uh, on second thought, never mind! S-Sakura can go ahead and order, I'm not hungry. That sounds like... n-not what I wanted at all."

Teruteru was too stunned to speak. Ignoring his comic shock, Sakura asked the question. "Hina. Does it not say 'chocolate donuts?' Is that not the daily special?"

"Nooo!" Aoi grabbed at her hair, suddenly frustrated. "I'm not gonna tell you, absolutely, no matter what! I'll never tell anyone about the daily specials here, not even my best friends! Not even you, Sakura! I don't care if it's a rule, it's a dumb rule!"

Teruteru snatched the board back. He wasn't sure what he'd done wrong, but if someone with Sakura's intensity had a reaction like Aoi's, he didn't know if his cafe would survive. He couldn't stand to see a customer this unsatisfied, though, so he tried another approach. He wiped down the board again and used his pink chalk to scribble a new rule. He furtively showed it to Sakura, hoping for her help. In urgent block letters instead of his put-on fancy writing, it said:

PLEASE CALM DOWN YOUR FRIEND

Sakura's usual peace grew stormy. She didn't move from her seat, but he could tell her muscles were tightening. Her hair almost seemed to lift off the ground, as though she were undergoing an actual transformation. "I understand her anger. The rules of your cafe are intolerable. Will you brand a woman 'hysterical' if she voices any objection? You count on your female customers to silence each other's reasonable protests, as though to shame us into submission?"

Teruteru shrieked, seeing his life flashing before his eyes. He'd just gotten his third and fourth customers... would the story of his notoriety end here? Was he going to die because he'd offered the most donut-crazy girl in the school free donuts?! "Ah don't know why, but the outcomes're all topsy-turvy! If it's all in reverse... ah don't know why, but ah jus' gotta work backwards!" In a bid for his life, he hastily scrawled a new rules in barely-legible handwriting and held it in front of him like a shield, making sure both of them saw it:

CUSTOMERS ARE REQUIRED TO THROW FITS

CUSTOMERS MUST ATTACK THE HOST

CUSTOMERS MUST NOT SIT QUIETLY AND WAIT FOR THEIR FOOD

When he peeked back across it, both of them were peaceful and still. Aoi was sitting with her hands clapped together and an angelic smile on her pretty face. Sakura had her arms crossed and her head bowed, a picture of focused meditation. Although they weren't acting up anymore, Teruteru thought their smiles looked somehow smug.

Aoi flashed him a grin. "Well, I know there are rules, but... you don't mind if we take it easy and wait, right?"

"Well, you haven't even ordered," Teruteru reminded her with a grin in return, relieved but a little irritated. "Do you still want the, uh... ch-choco donuts?"

"Sounds great!" Aoi confirmed with quiet enthusiasm. "Since they're free, we'll take a dozen!"

"Of course," Teruteru agreed, deciding to just go with the flow. "Luckily, I have the equipment and skill to just whip up a dozen free donuts on command, mon cheri. You don't mind if I take the specials board with me to work on, do you?"

Without opening her eyes, Sakura spoke from her place of meditation. "It concerns us not. While working on our food, perhaps you can serve equally palatable, less violent rules."

"Of course," Teruteru repeated himself with a bow. "I'll think of what I can cook up."

Having retreated into the familiar sanctuary of his kitchen, Teruteru wasted no time getting a dozen donuts frying and a chocolate glaze going. He was thriving, in his element, preparing to serve great food to happy customers, beautiful girls at that.

He was...

"Just a little pissed off," he admitted to himself with a furrowed brow over his beady eyes and officious chef's smile. The length of pink chalk he'd been carrying snapped in his grip. "What is this? It worked, but it also didn't work at all! Is there something different about Aoi and Sakura? Did the planets move out of alignment? Are they... are they playing a trick on me too, but a different trick than Makoto and Kyoko? But Aoi's honest to a fault, and she said she didn't want donuts! Ain't no dadgum way!" he growled, momentarily slipping.

He looked down at the pink dust all over his hands, then from the chalk on his floor to the rag he was holding. Green from earlier, and now stained with pink...

"Heh," he chortled. Regaining his cool, he pulled his comb across his hair and put a hand to his clean, chubby chin. "I think I've figured out the mystery. Or part of it, at least. There has to be a reason I was given different colors of chalk... Hmhmhm! My brain is almost as good as my looks and as big as my... hairdo," he braked his personal innuendo. "Why, if there was some sort of **** case going on, I bet I'd give those detectives at this school a run for their money. Or at least be able to hold my own and survive! Oho!"

He peeked back over the countertop at the two young women, then back at the colored chalk he'd grabbed: green, yellow, light blue, white, and a stub of pink. Feeling confident and knowing he had some time until the donuts were done, he made his way back towards the two once more.

Teruteru didn't have a plan, any further than that he needed to confirm his basis, and he needed to do it in a way that didn't get him killed if he got it wrong. He needed a rule in green and a rule in pink that would clearly confirm his suspicions and wouldn't tip his hand too far, on the off chance these girls were pulling his leg. It didn't seem likely, but neither did a magic mind-controlling chalkboard...

He tapped his chalk on the board idly as he thought, approaching the table before he'd written anything. Aoi and Sakura were still sitting victoriously quiet, looking like they were getting away with something. He came up with a couple of simple test rules, scrawled them down without worrying about the handwriting, then tucked it under his arms and clapped his hands. "Ladies! I apologize, but I forgot to share a couple of the rules of the cafe with you. If you don't mind, please read."

The chalkboard before them read:

In green, YOU MUST STAND WHEN THE HOST APPROACHES.

In pink, YOU MUST REFER TO THE HOST BY THE TITLE MAITRE'D.

It went as he expected. Aoi let out a little giggle, but she and Sakura both rose from their seats as soon as they read the new rules. "All right, Teruteru, Mister Fancy Pants Ultimate Chef. Sorry we weren't following your rule!"

"My apologies," Sakura agreed.

"No need, thank you for respecting my policies," Teruteru spoke with a sweet smile. "But there are two rules there, aren't there, mademoiselles?"

Aoi blew a raspberry. "Uh, no way! No way is anybody ever calling you that."

Sakura frowned more deeply. "I do not know how to pronounce it."

"Maitre'd," Teruteru enunciated in proper French, something he'd spent way too much time practicing in the past.

"... My apologies. I am afraid I would be incapable," she excused herself again. "I would not manage the pronunciation."

"Hmm," Teruteru mused. "What if I said I wouldn't feed you if you didn't at least try to say it?"

"W-We'd leave!" Aoi shouted, growing defensive. "C'mon, Teruteru, don't bully her! She said you can't say it. If you're gonna be unreasonable, we'll eat somewhere else."

"Is trying to honor my silly whim so unreasonable? You can't even do it as a favor to me? I'm fixing you free food!"

Aoi and Sakura looked between each other. Sakura shut her eyes and shook her head; Aoi turned her troubled blue eyes back to Teruteru. "Uh... we really don't want to. We really, super don't want to. Is it fine if we just don't? Like... could we pay you for the donuts, and then just, um, not call you... the really dumb name you want us to?"

"No no! Even though it's a rule, I'll let you slide," Teruteru conceded with a sunny smile. "I'll honor your wishes! In fact, I'll revise the rules right now..."

Feeling a little full of himself, Teruteru took the chalkboard back and erased the pink rule, in its place, he wrote a new rule in yellow chalk, then turned it to show the two women. He couldn't help himself:

In yellow, YOU MUST CALL THE HOST DADDY.

Both Aoi and Sakura stared at each other again, raising their eyebrows. Aoi was the first to speak, although it more of a nervous laugh. "This name is almost as bad as the last one! But, uh... well, for choco-donuts, I'll do what it takes! Please serve us free donuts... D-Daddy," she finished with a grimace.

"Sorry! I didn't catch that!" Teruteru responded immediately with his same sunny smile, working to conceal his heavy breathing. "Can you say it again?"

"Geez! I said I want donuts, Daddy!" Aoi shouted more loudly.

"Of course," Teruteru said with a bow, wiping at his nose in the same gesture. "Now, Sakura. If you please."

The martial artist wore a rare, expressive face, the girlish color having grown at hearing Aoi go through with it. "I must ask... a similar phrase, such as 'father'-?"

"Nope! Rules are rules."

Sakura sighed a rare sigh of defeat. "We are hungry and have been standing here patiently, submitting ourselves to your rules. Please do not turn us away without food... Daddy," the giant woman rasped the last word quietly, her head hung with shame and her face burning red.

"... I got hard," Teruteru spoke simply, smiling in the morning sun, not bothering to disguise it.

"Do not **** me to hurt you, Daddy," Sakura spoke, her eyes darting up with killing intent.

"I mean what?" Teruteru asked her with an innocent batting of his eyelashes. "You must have misheard me! Hmm... But so I'm clear, even though neither of you like it and you both think it's weird, you'll call me Daddy since it's one of the rules?"

"Yeah, Daddy," Aoi replied, rolling her eyes. "How much longer on those donuts, anyway?"

"A little longer, I think!" he reassured her with a cheeky laugh, bringing the board back in front of him and raising the blue chalk. Seeing Sakura **** to bow to his rules and humiliate herself had newly emboldened him. The magic was real, and not even the world's strongest woman could resist it. He could probably have all sorts of fun with just the three colors he'd tried, and the donuts were nearly done. All things considered, the smart thing to do would be to wrap it up, serve food like a good chef, and call the day a success.

In Teruteru's mind, however, today was clearly his lucky day: he'd push his luck even further. He thrust his blackboard chickenscratch at Aoi's face again. "You can look forward to the Ultimate Chef's finest if you just follow one more little rule..."