Last words before arrival

GoogleMaps said we were close to the docks where we were supposed to meet up with the group, so I pulled off to the side of the highway. The area around lake Powel was mountainous, rocky desert that turned an orangey red in the right light - the whole area was gorgeous, and from the photos we’d looked at when Cassidy was offered a spot on the trip it looked like the blue of the winding lake gave the place a magical quality.

“What’s wrong?” Cassidy asked.

“We need to talk more,” I said. “And you probably want to redo your makeup while we do.”

“Good idea,” she sighed, pulling down the sun visor and checking in the little mirror. “Oh, God. I’m a mess.”

“At least you’re a cute mess,” I said.

She smiled shyly at me - it was the least sort of compliment I could give her, but now she acted like it was me heaping praise on her. Maybe, considering the circumstances, I was.

Cassidy opened her purse, then her backpack, and pulled out a makeup kit. She quickly went to work on her face with a makeup remover wipe.

“First, I want to reiterate a couple of things I said,” I continued. “I do still love you, Cass. But I have a lot of shit to figure out. I don’t want to repeat myself too much, but you need to work the line. Let me know if I’m being obvious that I’m hurt or angry, but don’t try and push me. I don’t want to embarrass you, but I also don’t want to just push this down and bottle it up.”

“OK, I’ll try my best,” she said. She stopped working on her face and reached over, taking my hand in hers. “This is my fuck up, Robbie. My thing to work on and fix. Anything you need to do or say, I need you to do it. My only goal, forever, is making up for this. I love you, and only you, ever.”

I took in a breath and sighed. “I hear you,” I said. “And that does mean a lot. And I don’t want to push this right now, but part of the problem is that now that you’ve lied like that, I need to rebuild my ability to trust you.”

“I know-” her voice broke.

“Hey, don’t start crying again,” I said, squeezing her hand back.

“OK, OK, I’ll try,” she nodded, breathing deeply to control herself.

“Now, I also meant what I said about sex,” I said. “But I need to hear you say what you said about sex again, too. If you tell me this week is what you need - that you need me to explore with other women, that you need me to sow my oats, in front of you or behind your back - then I won’t ask again. If it happens, it happens.”

Cassidy put down the wipe and took my hand in both of hers, looking into my eyes. “Robbie Blane. Love of my life. My fiance. I want, and need, you to have sex with the most gorgeous, most adventurous women you can this week. And I will abstain from everything unless you want me to participate. I can see it on your face, you think this is about me wanting punishment, and I do deserve that. But I also know you, and I know you’re going to say the guilt and the depression were punishments all along. No, Tiger, this is about rewarding you. Rewarding you for so many years of loving me, even when I didn’t deserve it. And for hopefully still loving me, while I forever continue to earn it.”

She was right - that line about punishment did sound like me. She wasn’t the only person in my life I’d helped talk through some of their depression, so I knew my own words when they were thrown back at me.

“OK,” I said, and swallowed. “Then the last thing - no matter what happens on this trip, you are still mine, and I am still yours, and we need to fix this. I don’t want to hear excuses anymore, you’re going to therapy even if you can’t talk about how you did what you did. And we’re doing couples therapy, too.”

“OK,” she whispered, nodding.

While Cassidy did her makeup, doing her best to hide the fact that she’d been crying, I googled therapists back in Vegas and called in, booking a couples session for three days after we got back from the trip, as well as an individual session for Cassidy, and one for myself. With that done, Cassidy and I took a breath.

“I love you,” she said.

“I love you still, too,” I replied.

“I want to keep sitting here in this feeling after the last couple of hours,” Cassidy said. “But I think we’re running late.”

“I know,” I sighed, and started the truck again. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

It was time to see if we could make this work around actual people.

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