King Edward, by AlexandraS90

“Alright Gina, it's been a while since the last one, so it is time for another fantasy story.”

“Oh great, they are my favorite.”

“This one is a bit different tough. The premise is that you are in control of your dynasty and have to guide them trough history. A bit like the videogame Crusader Kings. It even has a game mode.”

“Huh, that actually sound mildly intriguing.”

“It does, doesn't it? Too bad we won't do any of that, because “King Edward, by AlexandraS90” is a fairly straightforward story with very few choices.”

“So, the Author got rid of the one thing that made the story special. Good fucking job.”

“There might not be many choices, but there sure are many chapters.”

“...how many are we talking about here?”

“Last I checked a little over 200.”

sfx of Gina running away

“Gina get back here.”

“Ugh!”

“Come now, I'm sure if we pace ourselves we will get trough this juuust fine.”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

“Whelp, that certainly sets a new record, more then doubling “Bringer of Light” in chapter count.”

“Gimme me some of that Jitterleaf.”

“Although, the chapters where fairly short. I think in actual word count “Bringer of Light” still comes out ahead.”

“Where do we even start here? I am slightly overwhelmed.”

“With the main character. Edward is, as the title suggest, a young King who tries to rule over the realm of Itheria.”

“Three things you need to know about him is that he is a cripple, halfdemon and spends most of his time fucking his mother.”

“I guess you can say he is...a motherfucker.”

“...”

“Anyways, Edward has to keep his demonic heritage a secret while he wastes his days away fucking everything with two legs.”

“Huh.”

“What?”

“This is usually the part where you flip out and scream how much you hate the protagonist. The fact that it hasn't happen yet is very unnerving.”

“Well, because I don't hate him, Gina.”

“But he is a complete piece of shit!”

“Oh I don't disagree there, but he is also...interesting. A bit of a bumbling fool sure, but his power is his birthright and not some gift bestowed upon him by god. That alone makes him way more compelling.”

“Let's just get on with the bloody story. So, first he goes on a visit to Beatha....”

“Actually, hold that thought. I'd like to show you something.”

“Uh, ok.”

“Describing every country sounded very annoying, so I created THIS.”

.

.

.

“WHAT THE FUCK!”

“Oh shit, wrong picture!”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU! WHO EVEN TOOK THAT?”

“Uh...forget you saw that. Ah fuck...anyways...this.”

.

.

.

“You...made a map of the place?”

“Yes, isn't it beautiful?”

“Why are you such a nerd, Marcie?”

“You mean you don't draw maps of the fantasy stories you read?”

“No, because I don't read this nerd trash in the first place. Unless of course I'm to by an evil nerd sadist.”

“Be that as it may, it should make explaining this a great deal easier.”

“Sure, whatever.”

“As you were saying, Edward goes on a royal visit to neighboring Beatha, where he meets up with Crown Prince Donald, who is just as much of a degenerate.”

“Tell me about it. The creep wants to have sex with Edward! Disgusting!”

“Really Gina?”

“Look, the only thing worse then one dick is two dicks!”

“At least for the nonce, Edward spurns the crown prince advances and sticks to females.”

“And there is a lot of them! The guy fucks about 10 different girls per day. You barely get one chapter without a sex scene!”

“My favorite is probably the Lady of the Mountain, where Edward tricks Donald into a spirit, resulting in the destruction of three villages.”

“The Dumbass had it coming if you ask me. Donald is way too trustworthy. Who the fuck gets tricked into someone?”

“Not the ideal quality to have in a King, I agree. On the flip side, Edward did almost die on this trip of his, twice.”

“And barely escaped slavery.”

“Beatha is a very hazardous place, or rather being in the company of Donald is pretty hazardous. Still, trough some miracle, Edward makes it back home, only to be summoned to Sinnabarrow by his Grandfather to attend an evil cult meeting.

“We probably should mention that Edwards Grandfather is the Demonking, who once ruled over the entire Continent.”

“A Fool. That's what he is. What self respecting Ruler loses his Kingdom?”

“...”

“Well, I did depose of all the Queens at School, including you, didn't I? But it is highly unlikely this Demon King had to fight someone of my caliber.”

“On the topic of megalomaniacs...there is princess Madeleine of Sinnabarrow.”

“She bears a striking resemblance with you, Gina.”

“What? That haughty girl is way more like you! Your names even start with the same letters!”

“I suppose she did inherit my intelligence and your complete disregard for sentient life. I quite like her.”

“Yeah thanks, I stick to Kara.”

“Yes, you always had a faible for girls who could manhandle you. Too bad Rina's straight.”

“Shut up!”

“Since we are talking characters now. Do you like any of the Demon Girls?”

“No, but I do like Sharkman.”

“Really? That's a guy tough.”

“Geez Marcie! Just because I like girls doesn't mean I hate all men. Roland is funny.”

“He wants to enslave all of humanity.”

“Yeah, but you know, he is too dumb for that. Also he is literally a shark. I like sharks, they are my favorite animals. I want him as my pet.”

“Hmm when it comes to animals, I am quite fond of Khaliq.”

“Uh..who is that again?”

“The crossdressing Lion”

“Ugh, I sometimes forgot you are into that shit, the crossdressing I mean, not lions. Also did we just skip about a 100 chapters and just as many characters?”

“I'm afraid we did somewhat lose track of the plot, but as you might imagine summing up 200+ chapters like this is quite the tall order.”

“Hmpf, Edward visits various countries and fucks everyone. He is currently at war with Dean. There!”

“Very succinctly put. His biggest struggle however is clearly between his human and demonic side, because his grandfather, the so called Allsire wants to rule over the entire continent...again.”

“And it looks Edward is, albeit reluctantly, helping him.”

“It leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Edward is too submissive! Why, if it was me in his shoes, I wouldn't let some washed up has been dictate my actions. This pompous fool is working on his reconquest for centuries now! And what has he to show for it? A gaggle of demons bungling around the continent, while he hides in the woods like a common outlaw. Pathetic.”

“These bungling demons are very strong tough.”

“Pah. He is welcome to call himself King all he wants, but we have no reason to indulge his delusions. Face it Gina, Arinum is just an incompetent buffoon. I bet he hasn't even read “Il principe”

“You know, I really don't care.”

“And back to Edward! He has potential, I grant it. But he needs to learn to act like a King! Why does he spend all his time on sidequests? Going around the continent doing oddjobs like some peasant?”

“Because that's more interesting for the reader and leads to various sexy scenarios?”

“No, it's because Edward is a fool, that's why. He also needs to get his libido in check, all that time fucking would be better spend on actual governing.”

“At least it's in character. Edward is a horny fuck. But sure, let's talk sex scenes. You liked them?”

“I'm afraid they where a bit too pure for my taste.”

“Pure? The dude fucks his mother up the ass!”

“Quite, but there is more to sex then sex.”

“wat.”

“I would have liked some non sex erotic scenes to mix things up.”

“Such as?”

“Oh, I wouldn't dream to give any examples here. But you know when I you to shove a candybar up your butt and keep it there until it came out naturally? And then I had you put the remains on your nightstand. Now, that's what I call erotic!”

“I would call that many things, Marcie. Erotic is not one of them.”

“That said, I am looking forward to the scene with Khaliq. I wonder if I will manage to properly self insert into Edward...”

“Yeah, have fun with that one.”

“Oh, speaking of. I imagine you enjoyed the threesome with Kara and Madeleine, no?”

“That was pretty hot, granted. Unfortunately there was a cripple in the way.”

“Oh come on, Gina.”

“Look, can't we turn him into a girl? He already likes to get fucked up the ass, so that's pretty much the next step right?”

“With how easy these demons can shapeshift, I actually don't think this would be too out of the question, so who knows? Maybe you get lucky.”

“I won't get my hopes up. Also,holy fuck, we are on page freaking seven! Are we done, yet?”

“Done? I haven't even begun with my critique.”

“Hell no! You get one more thing and that's it!”

“Oh, Fine. If I had to pick one specific grievance, I do believe the story suffers from a lack of consequences.”

“Explain.”

“Edward has many flaws and makes plenty of mistakes. That is in general a good thing, but I don't feel his actions have enough consequences. He tends to get away very easily."

“Well, that one demon lady got exposed.”

“Yes, but that was just due to poor luck. Edward did a laughable bad job at deflecting attention away from her, I would have preferred if that was the reason for her exposure."

“Hm.”

“Lets take the of the Lady of the mountain. At first it seemed that relations between Edward and Donald would sour because of it, but then a few chapters later they are back to being friendly fuck buddies.”

“That is in line with Donalds characterization tough.”

“I suppose it is. Still it doesn't sit well with me. It is only one example of many. There needs to be consequences! What about the recent attack on the city? No one of importance died. The author could have at least killed of Roland.”

“Leave Sharkman alone!”

“Well, I suppose I made my point. According to the author this is about the halfway point, so there is still plenty of time for consequences. Naturally that means we will have to do a follow up once the story is finished.”

“Which means another 200 Chapters? Oh joy!”

“At the least. This type of stories have a tendency to blow up. Wouldn't surprise me if next time we had to read 400 Chapters.”

“Uhu, maybe we get lucky and die before that point.”