Monica & Jess read King Edward, by AlexandraS90

"Hey, this is our first fantasy story."

"At least this user has a proper name. Wait, Alexandra? Is this a girl?"

"Apparently Leherengin is also a girl and I suspect Gambio is one too."

"Really? But Gambio's gender isn't-"

"Come on, Jess, don't be so dense. All that waving the finger around kinda makes it obvious."

"That tells us she's a girl how?"

"Well, no, not that. Have you not paid any attention to what we've-? We're getting off topic. This story is a branch of something called Fantasy Dynasty."

READING IN PROGRESS

"AlexandraS90 sure dived straight into this one straight away. The fucking starts from the very first paragraph."

"And in front of his mother too. I at least hope Edward is married to this woman."

"You don't pay your wife to fuck you, Jess."

"I meant what I said, Edward." she said, taking the putana's place at your side. "Rule like you fuck, give none of them reason to question you, or this..."

"As if the kingdom's problems can be solved with Edward's penis."

"Your mother is here for you. And I will do anything in my power to help you become the sort of king this world needs." Marissa whispered into your ear, her hand now roaming your nude body.

"What the fuck?! This is ****!"

"Calm down, Jess."

"I will not calm down! This is just wrong! It gets even worse when we discover that Marissa is a demon. If he's not baptised, that makes him a half-demon."

"Is that what you have a problem with?"

"Yes, how are we supposed to root for something so satanic."

"Don't insult Devil May Cry. Except that crappy reboot, you can insult that."

"I don't know what Devil May Cry is."

After all, if you couldn't properly fuck a woman, could you really rule, continue your dynasty?

"What connection do these two things have?"

"I suspect Edward really does plan to solve everything with his penis. Even Sora from No Game No Life has more sense."

"Eww, you actually like that? With Shiro?"

"Oh god, no, Jess! I just like the plot, the characters, the comedy and the fan service involving the adult characters. I'm surprised you know what No Game No Life is."

"It's just... sacred. Or someone could walk in on us!" You stammer. Your mother had locked the door to the main hall, but it's not like she held the only key.
"A king should be fearless." Your mother goads. "Or would the little cripple rather hide in his chamber fucking paid girls?"

"They're both idiots. Being caught is a valid concern. Marissa is stupid to dismiss this and Edward is stupid for going along with his mom's stupidity."

"Did Marissa just encourage her son to masturbate? If I touched myself, my mother would whip my genital parts like a normal person. I can't imagine how she'd react to Minotaur cum."

"After some more sex, Edward goes to a contest and we are introduced to a bunch of new characters."

"Daena is an idiot. Why would anyone take a vow to be someone's **** just because they helped their village?"

"I nearly masturbated and then Donald ruined it by trying to have gay sex. I can tolerate Edward's presence because he's the main character but this story would be 100% better if Donald had been a woman."

"So why did you pick the chapter where Edward agrees to have sex with him."

"100% completion."

"There is no way Marissa wouldn't have been exposed with the amount of people she'd been fucking in such a prudish kingdom, specially a foreign prince."

The Itherian delegation departed immediately, their King disappearing with the Beathan prince and his henchwoman, only to return slain, a situation to suspicious to be explained, despite Donald's efforts.

"It is "too" suspicious!"

"Calm down, Monica."

"And we end up having gay with Donald anyway! Shouldn't this be in the gay path?! Why give the reader a choice on whether or not to be gay only to have gay sex happen anyway?!"

"And besides, I'd say having a hundred mothers makes up for one wayward father."

"That sounds like hell!"

"I don't think they're like your mom, Jess."

"Spirit's honest truth, she does!" Donald insists. "Likes me to belittle her, tell her I prefer other women. She's even had me lay with women, Solla, Daena, others, in our bed, while she simply sits and watches."

"Damn, Jana is best girl. Hey, Jess, we should do something like that. I can fuck Ashley, Violet, Asuka, Joanna or Amber while you watch and masturbate."

"Fuck that!"

“Aye, ever since her brother Arno broke his neck. You can expect that kingdom to go off a fuckin' cliff once her lunatic arse is on the throne.”

"So this Madeleine is a lunatic and her brother mysteriously broke her neck, making her next in line for the throne. Its pretty obvious who killed him."

"If Hjordis is a Jarl, why is she holding Edward prisoner by herself? Shouldn't she have minions to do that for her?"

"And is fucking a half-giant supposed to be sexy? Cuz it isn't."

"Hey Monica, I like how Donald gets tricked into **** someone."

"I did turn against the guy from Naive and Erotic Roommates for molesting a girl in her bed so I should be disgusted with Edward but the scene itself is so silly that I can't take it seriously. This sounds like something I'd expect from Dark Lord."

"But Edward is also a moron. He should have known that spirit would get mad at him too. And Donald has now turned on him as well."

"So... have a good time in Beatha?" your mother asks, an impish smile playing across "Marissa Loon's" features.

"This line is confusing. Is Edward's mother named Marissa Loon or is she impersonating someone named Marissa Loon? Do I need to read the chapters preceding Alexandra's path?"

"You know, Edward should just dispose of her. She's a huge liability to his own power."

"Yes, the mother-son **** can only maintain interest for so long."

"What kind of moron keeps pointlessly risking his own reign? He even fucks his mother in the dining room of a castle of a king he's supposed to be negotiating for his daughter's hand in marriage."

"Madeleine sounds like another Marissa to me. I think he might be better off with Kara."

"Really, Monica, you take the word of an imbecile like Donald?"

"You do have a point there. But the whole five older brothers mysteriously died thing."

"Practically all of it!" Madeleine enthuses. "Well, until recently. I'm my father's sixth child, his youngest, and his only girl, of course. The idea of me being his heir had always seemed the most remote possibility imaginable. Then dear Arno had his accident and, suddenly... well, here we are." Madeleine explains. "I don't have much time for my little indulgences anymore. Instead, Chancellor Bistodeau is always consulting me on this, instructing me on that, having me sign what have you... To tell the truth, I simply never wanted to be Queen." Madeleine admits.

"I'm not buying it, Jess. Madeleine totally killed them so she could become queen."

"You're a real rarity, Edward." Madeleine says. Something in her tone unsettles you. As if she sees you less as a person, a peer, and more another potential oddity, a specimen to keep alongside her collection of freaks, the twins, the goblin and the peace-loving pirate.

"Edward should get the fuck outta there ASAP before he becomes a prisoner or something. The dickgirl is also a deal breaker because I can't stand dickgirls."

"How did we even manage to get through 100 chapters? With Hard Candy, we only got about 20 before ending the review there. You even said we're probably going to have to split it into four parts."

"This might be the longest story we've read, Jess, but a lot of the chapters are short and could have been merged together. King Edward, I believe we'll probably end up finishing it next time but I don't have the energy for more than 200 chapters and following it up with only 40 chapters would be anti-climatic so we'll leave it here. This brings so to the masturbation question."

"No, I didn't masturbate."

"Me, neither, there's a bunch of scenes where I might have done but the references to Edward's penis kept getting in the way. I think the story would have worked better if he'd been a girl."