Jack wants to know why the rum is gone.

"Hans, the bottle's empty. We prepared specifically for this, and it's still empty."

Oh, God, he's in character already.

"It's very, very important that there always be something in that bottle. I'm like one of those Chinese spirits that can't live without booze on their heads."

"That's a kappa," I said. "And it's Japanese, Jack."

"Right," Jack nodded. His dreadlocks bounced sagely. "That's why you're the first mate, Hanzo. So you can point out all the wonders of your native culture. That and stand around with your nipple out. Very manly."

I rolled my eyes. "Ryuu Ga Waga Teki Go Fuck Yourself."

"That's my Hanzo picker. Always a team player."

Really, I should've seen it coming a mile away. Jack could be a great guy most of the time, but dear God did that change when he started drinking- or as he called it, "getting into character." The girls loved his antics at conventions, but I was the one who had to put up with them.

"Well, we can't sit around waiting for rum to happen to us! Let's go introduce ourselves to some of the lovely ladies and see if they've hidden anything under those costumes. I used to know a lass who kept a flask in 'tween her tits. Great girl, but the booze was always warm." Jack staggered over towards a group of teenage girls in skintight superhero costumes- literally the only cosplayers in the foyer who could not have booze hidden under their costumes.

Well, except for the Power Girl. She could have hidden a bazooka in there and no one would notice.

"Superheroines!" Jack called out drunkenly. "Will you superlative heroines save a man from his sobriety?"

The gaggle of Girl Power burst out laughing, and just like that Jack was the most popular guy on earth. Power Girl, Supergirl, Spider-Girl, Batgirl, even Squirrel Girl. Fittingly, not a single one of them looked a day over nineteen, and each one was a bombshell. The Power Girl had the famous tits. Supergirl had the thighs to die for. Spider-Girl's skintight suit was catching double-takes from fifty yards. Barbara Gordon's Batgirl was the sweet and wholesome left hook to catch a man's conscience off-guard. Squirrel Girl... had something moving in her cleavage?

"Looke here," Jack said, pointing at a fluffy mound in Squirrel Girl's cleavage. "Is that a squirrel in your costume, or are you just happy to see me and my first mate?"

"Her name is Chipper," Squirrel Girl laughed. "It's her first con. She's nervous."

"It's our first con, too," said Spider-Girl, her voice muffled through her mask.

"Well, smuggling live animals was always my favorite job on the Pearl. Specially the cute and fuzzy ones like Chipper here." Jack sprang over to Power Girl and stared intently down her cavernous cleavage window. "Are you hiding anything else in there?"

"Keep looking," Power Girl smiled. "Maybe you'll find something you like."

"Already have, love." Jack winked. "Right, then! Hanzo! We're escorting these ladies through their first Con! Rig up the sails!"

"Actually..." Batgirl wrung her hands. "We don't have tickets."

"You what?"

"She thought there was a Will Call and didn't even give an address for the passes!" Spider-Girl sighed. "We're just gonna do some off-site stuff, I guess."

"Nonsense!" Jack said. "Hanzo! We need to escort this booty into its first Con."

"We're all smugglers now," I said. Batgirl giggled.

"We're booty?" asked Squirrel Girl. "I like the sound of that."

"The best kind of booty! Except for you, blondie." Jack pointed at Power Girl. "You get to be my first mate. Hanzo's demoted to deck swabbie."

"I'm just a mate?" Power Girl frowned.

"Easy, lass. Don't want to be consorting with the hired help. That's a recipe for mutiny!" Jack staggered. "But first, I need some rum. Or something to get my spirits up. Can't smuggle risky booty like this without a little payment up front. Pirate's code and all that."