It’s not like it’s a fireworks factory

As Kate walks away, you watch her ass move. After a few seconds, you become aware that Penelope is watching too.

Then Kate goes around a corner and is out of sight.

Penelope sighs. “I can’t believe I never noticed how hot Kate is,” she mutters. Then she turns to you. “So, why only now?”

“… what?”

“First thing I noticed about Kate when I started at the company was that she has a huge crush on you,” Penelope clarifies. “Why are you only doing anything about it now?”

You’re not sure you’d say you’ve done anything about it, exactly, not yet, but you definitely intend to tell Kate that you love her, and also to live out most of your (many, many) fantasies about her.

You shrug. “I… I guess I could say that the fire gave me a new perspective on life –”

“Which is bullshit,” Penelope says, nodding. “Well, no, I guess it’s true, but it’s not the reason, is it.”

You shrug again. “Honestly… I thought she just wanted to be friends.”

Penelope raises an eyebrow. “Jacob,” she says, “you are an excellent analyst, and your epistemology is brilliant, and your situational awareness as to when people like you… sucks.”

“No, no,” you protest, and then you explain about Kate’s statement, a week and a half after you started at the company, that she would be your ‘work wife’, and about your firm resolve to not be the sort of jerk who’d try to push a girl into changing the boundaries of a relationship.

Penelope has a very strange expression on her face, as if she’s simultaneously feeling very sorry for you and trying not to laugh.

“Oh no, oh no!” she says. “Poor Jacob! Poor Kate!”

You sigh. “Feelings are complicated. Actually, about that – why didn’t you just tell her I was okay?”

Penelope grimaces. “Because I wasn’t sure how she’d take the news that you and me are involved now. I hoped she’d be okay with it, and she is, and that’s wonderful, but… balance ‘Kate is miserable because she thinks Jacob’s dead’ versus ‘she’s miserable because Jacob is fucking Penelope’. One is a lot easier to fix than the other. And I had to decide right away.”

You immediately see the hole in her argument – she could have easily told Kate “Jacob’s fine, I talked to him yesterday” without saying “he’s my boyfriend now” or “I had phone sex with him while his sister sucked his cock,” but it’s not worth arguing over, especially given the “CHOOSE NOW” factor.

“Part of being a manager, I guess,” you say. “Not sure I could have done that.” (Which is true.) “It was great how you handled that guy Kate shoved, by the way. Really quick thinking.”

She smiles. “Thank you! Had my wallet out before he could finish saying ‘what the fuck, you crazy bitch’! Thank god I still carry cash. Don’t think ‘I need to hit the ATM first, I promise I’ll come back’ would’ve worked as well as ‘I’ll give you twenty bucks, right here right now.’” Then she stretches. “Okay, ready to go?”

You check the charge indicator on your phone. “Can we wait a few minutes, actually? I want it to get past 70%.”

“Oh, okay. Speaking of phones… you, uh, you know the passcode for Kate’s?”

“Hm? Oh. Yeah, she told me a while back. Don’t think I ever used it before.”

“Do you… do you want the code for mine?”

You look at Penelope. She seems nervous.

“Only if you want to tell me, I guess?”

She chews her lip for a moment. “… I’m not ready for that yet,” she says eventually. “I’m sorry! I trust you, but –”

“Really, it’s fine,” you say. “It’s your phone.”

It is a little weird, you suppose – her Love and Affection scores are maxed out, and she just said she trusts you, but “why won’t you tell me your password” feels like the sort of thing that an asshole would say.

Which is why you assume it’s in some way connected to her ex-husband.

“What’s your charge at now?” she asks abruptly.

“Uh… 62%.”

“Okay. I’m gonna go pee, and when I get back, I’ll sit with your phone while you go pee, and then we’ll head out. Sound good?”

You nod.

“Also,” and she leans forward and beckons you close so she can whisper to you, “there’s a non-zero chance I’m gonna masturbate in there.”

You mock-glare at her. “Don’t make me get an erection in the food court!” you whisper back. She giggles.

Then she gets up and walks off in the direction of the bathrooms.

This is probably a good time to check the Multiplier.

First things first: open the goddamn Co-Workers tab, which you have forgotten to do probably a dozen times.

As you fully expected, and yet also somewhat to your relief, Kate is indeed a Top Prospect, yay!

Just out of curiosity, you pull up the Probability of Success slider, and drag it slowly to the right… and other profiles appear. You have a 34.36% chance with Marcie the receptionist (you remember saying “yeah, see you tomorrow” after she said “Bye, Jacob”), and a 19.93% chance with Veronica from HR (you remember that her arms were full, so you said “oh, here, let me,” and held the door for her, and she said “thanks”).

You quickly peek at the Miscellaneous tab – even when you pull the slider all the way to the right, you don’t see a profile for Jillian. Good: you were very confident that you could avoid the Multiplier noticing her if you just didn’t speak to her, but you weren’t sure if the fact that she was wearing a nametag could make a difference (how could it? Well, it’s magic!). Also, this means that you don’t have to figure out how you’d feel about the Multiplier tracking someone who’s married.

Next, the Professionals tab. You’re a little curious to see how things are going with Sanouk, and Tessa, and Shondra, and… yes, even Janine the locksmith, but that can wait. Again you drag the slider, and… there’s the bus driver from earlier today (“Dude, either pay or get off” and “Oh, sorry”, and then “Thanks” and “Sure thing, dude”); her name is Keisha and you have a 27.2% chance with her.

That’s almost the same as your chance with Shondra. You wonder if it’s just a coincidence that two black female bus drivers have such similar probabilities of success.

Something to think about, and possibly to explore, later. Back to Kate.

Her profile picture shows that she’s made it back to the office and is about to sit down at her desk.

Kathira Jeevisha Prasad

Personal information -

• Age: 29
• Gender: Female
• Marriage status: Single
• Children: 0

Physical information -

• Height: 5’2 3/4”
• Weight: 147
• Eyes: Brown
• Hair: Black
• Bust: 34DD
• Waist: 28
• Hips: 34
• Sexual experience +

You consider expanding the Sexual experience field, but, you realize, she’s already told you all of it, hasn’t she? Which, in retrospect, you really, really, REALLY should have recognized as a very strong indicator of ‘Kate wants something more than platonic with you’, instead of just saying ‘wow’ when she told you about how she lost her virginity, and then going home and jacking off six times in three hours.

Well, the Multiplier might be able to tell you more details, but the important part is her Affection information.

• Affection: 90
• Love: 93
• Lust: 91

WOW.

You check her log.

• Kate Prasad: YOU’RE ALIVE!!!!! +6 Love (87/88/90)
• Kate Prasad: Reached 50 Affection. Love unlocked; Lust unlocked. 500 points awarded.
• Key to the Heart: Affection started above 50 for someone; 200 points awarded
• Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love: Love started above 0 for someone; 100 points awarded
• A Love Supreme: Love started above 50 for someone; 150 points awarded
• I’m Too Sexy: Lust started above 0 for someone; 100 points awarded
• This Feeling’s Much Too Strong: Lust started above 50 for someone; 150 points awarded
• Kate Prasad: Wave wave! +1 Affection (88/88/90)
• Kate Prasad: “I’m so glad you’re alive too.” +1 Affection / +1 Love (89/89/90)
• Kate Prasad: You rescued a bunny! +1 Affection / +1 Love (90/90/90)
• Kate Prasad: Is sure that any misunderstanding that would have led to being scared of you for a year would have to be stupid, but you’re being nice to Penelope about it anyway. +1 Love (90/91/90)
• Kate Prasad: Is pretty sure you and Penelope are making “let’s fuck” finger signs at each other. +2 Lust (90/91/92)
• Kate Prasad: Even though there’s a panic attack in the middle of it, this story is incredibly fucking hot. +4 Lust (90/91/96)
• Kate Prasad: Asked you about your erection. She’s had so many fantasies that start this way! +3 Lust (90/91/99)
• Kate Prasad: Would’ve preferred if you’d chosen her, obviously, but she’s so happy for you that you’re going to be getting laid! +2 Love / -8 Lust (90/93/91)

Your head is spinning (and not just because it looks like the Multiplier has updated its UI). Kate’s scores started in the high 80s. Somehow, seeing the numbers makes it seem more real.

Clearly you need to have a long conversation with Kate about when exactly she decided that you being her ‘work husband’ wasn’t enough. After you fuck her, or before? You hope she’ll be able to concentrate on getting ready for the presentation – Penelope’s Lust score wasn’t even in the 80s when she started having elaborate fantasies about you fucking her, was it?

For that matter, you hope she’ll able to concentrate on giving the presentation! Kate’s not as shy as you are – she can usually talk to big groups of strangers, especially if she has a script to follow – but what’ll happen if she gets too horny?

You remember the cliché advice of “imagine everyone in your audience naked”. You imagine Kate giving her presentation naked. The audience isn’t your coworkers, it’s you and Penelope and Sigrid and Tammy and Molly and Eleanor and even Sonia, and you’re all naked too, and they’re all masturbating, and then Penelope gets up and starts making out with Kate, and –

“Hey,” Penelope says. “Your turn.”

You blink. You hadn’t noticed her coming back from the bathroom or sitting down across from you.

“Sorry,” you say, “I was daydreaming.”

“About fucking me and Kate together?” she whispers.

You nod, which isn’t a lie, especially since that was part of the fantasy.

She raises an eyebrow, and relaxes-and-straightens her right index finger several times. Do you have an erection?

You nod again.

“Need a moment?” she asks at normal volume.

“Yes please. Incidentally –” and now you’re whispering – “did you masturbate in there?”

She shakes her head. “I tried, but… it’s a public bathroom, there are other people coming in, and… sometimes the woman who gets into the stall next to you is… noisy. And smelly.”

“Oh no, oh no!” you say. “Poor Penelope!”

It takes her a few seconds to get it, but then she smirks.

“Oh, very good,” she says. “Are you…” and she shows your her index finger and lets it sag.

“Yeah, telling me about Ms. Next-Stall did the trick.”

She giggles. “Okay. Well, I’ve got your phone, so… see you soon?”

“Yep, thanks,” you say, and you get up and head to the bathroom. You’re not 100% sure you need to, because Steel-Driving Man might be increasing your bladder capacity, but it’s a good idea just the same.

Three minutes later, you emerge from the bathroom. You disconnect your phone from the wall and put it in your pocket, and Penelope puts the charger and cable in her shoulder bag, and then the two of you walk out of the mall holding hands.