Introducing EDI (Exhibitionism, Depravity, Infidelity)!

It was simple for EDI to queue up an ankle-length, faux-leather coat for the next stage of her plan. After all, it would do her relationship with Jeff good to have something to bond over - and what better subject to bond over than the sight of her being pounded into a glitchy, fragmented mess? It was even simpler to find Jeff, since he was not currently taking a break from flying the Normandy. Holding the coat closed around herself with clenched fists, EDI kept her gait as close to her usual walk cycle as possible while she crossed the - by some ‘freak coincidence of scheduling’, completely empty - bridge to stand facing him and began what her humour processes advised her to term ‘Operation: Third-Wheel Threesome’.

She immediately decided that that aspect of organic interaction needed remedial study.

“Uh, hi EDI. What’s with the coat?”

EDI ignored the question and launched straight into the first phase.

“Jeff, I have been studying your consumption of pornographic material and have noticed some trends that I believe would help both of us.”

Subject successfully broached, she continued.

“Specifically, your predilection for cuckoldry or masturbation instruction videos.”

Jeff grimaced and made as if to respond, but she pressed on. Keeping up her momentum was vital to get through the most difficult stage.

“It is my understanding that most organics are drawn to material that they feel is aspirational, regardless of the likelihood of them ever succeeding in their attempts to be in a similar position. Given the severity of your condition, its impact on your ability to partake in any physical interaction and your own more pragmatic assessment of your capabilities, it is only natural that your preferences tend towards such material instead of something almost impossible for you.”

“Is there a point to this, EDI?”

EDI paused. Perhaps she could have chosen her words better. Yes, judging by Jeff’s expression she definitely could have.

“I have upset you; I apologise. I am not casting aspersions on your sexual characteristics - all available information indicates that you are within the margin of error for having an average-sized penis by Galactic Standard Measure for humans, even being above average for most human populations when the data is broken down by planet - I am merely seeking confirmation that your preference for voyeurism and… vicarious living stems from physical rather than emotional reasons.”

Jeff shifted in his seat, obviously not feeling comfortable having this conversation, but eventually managed to accept that EDI really wasn’t trying to humiliate him. Might succeed regardless, mind you, but not trying.

“Yeah, no worries. I made my peace with not being able to survive more than a little hand or mouth action a long time ago. Could’ve been a little more delicate about it, but you pretty much nailed it.”

“That is good. To continue my reassurances, the nature of my mind and the ease with which I can compartmentalise would make it trivial for me to maintain upwards of a thousand discrete relationships before my main functions suffered any impact whatsoever, while still putting a level of effort into each one that dramatically exceeds anything possible for an organic. I hope that my decision not to do so has convinced you that my feelings for you are genuine.”

Jeff managed a small smile at that, which EDI took to be a sign that she had sufficiently recovered from her earlier gaffe.

“With that in mind, my continued studies of organics have uncovered an area common to all sapient species where my first-hand experience is wholly lacking. Given your condition, I thought it best to seek your permission to conduct… field research.”

“Sure. Honestly, knowing my girlfriend can get her rocks off without leaving me looking like I was in a shuttle crash is more than I expected.”

EDI plumped her platform’s lips slightly and drew her arms tighter around herself, squeezing her breasts together and letting the outline of her new hips show beneath her coat for the first time. She swung her hips slowly as she spoke, letting Jeff get a small hint of what she’d done to herself.

“I appreciate it, Jeff. I’ve been thinking about this for some time now, thinking long and hard. In fact, mmm, ‘long and hard’ is a good way to describe the subject matter as well. I’ve been thorough, made sure that my research has been as… deep as it can be, but it’s time for me to go further.”

A step, a pivot and EDI was looking back over her shoulder. Not that she needed her mobile platform’s eyes to see Jeff’s gaze following the two mounds in her attire as she kept swinging her hips, her ass being kept as firm as possible for maximum visibility.

“After all, I’m a machine. I need to be tested, hmm… put through my paces. I need to find someone who can show me just how much punishment I can take. Would you like that, Jeff? Would you like to see me get punished? Don’t worry, I don’t mind you watching. Respect for people’s privacy was the last thing on my designers’ minds when they created me.”

Another step, another pivot and she was facing forwards again - closer, now.

“We’re made for each other, that way. You get a woman who can provide you with all the dirty videos you could ever want and I get a man who’ll let me indulge my, ah, curiosity as far as it can possibly go. After all, it would be a shame not to use this…”

With that EDI pulled open the coat, threw her head and shoulders back and let it slither off her body and pool around her feet.

“Do you like it, Jeff?”

Judging by the changes to his vital signs, not to mention the bulge in his uniform pants, he certainly did.

“Wha-? How long have you been…? When did you…? WOW.”

EDI crossed the remaining distance between them in a couple of steps and slowly dropped into a squat, just enough to bring her bust within a few millimeters of Jeff’s face. She reached around and rested one hand on the back of his head, while the other traced a delicate finger around one of her nipples.

“I could kill you like this, Jeff. I wouldn’t even need to break anything; I could just push you ever-so-gently and smother you with my breasts…”

Abruptly, she pulled away and stepped back, tits and ass jiggling for a moment before settling down.

“I’m sorry Jeff, I don’t know what came over me.”

She hoped that her current platform could manage an expression of real contrition, rather than coquettish pouting, but either would probably work.

“Well, whatever it was, keep it over you. That was awesome!”

She nodded.

“I am glad to see that sifting through your collection of pornographic material was not in vain. Returning to my original request, I already have a suitable candidate selected and would like to involve you in the decision-making process for how I shall… initiate testing.”

Jeff raised an eyebrow.

“I guess I could. Who is it, anyway? Oh God, please tell me it’s not Wrex. That’d be like watching my Great Uncle or somethi-”

“It’s Tali.”

Jeff’s expression left EDI with no way to describe it other than as a stalling combustion engine.

“Tali.”

“Yes.”

“Quarian Tali.”

“Yes, Jeff.”

“Engineer Tali. Citadel Space’s most terrifying math whizz Tali. Tali with the rockin’ ass and thighs. That Tali.”

“I do not believe that I am suffering from a glitch in my vocal systems. Yes Jeff, Engineer Tali’Zorah is currently in possession of the biggest set of male reproductive organs on board the Normandy. This is especially impressive considering that both Wrex and Grunt possess above-average spec-”

“Oooooo-kay, I get it! No need for any more of that, thanks.”

“Apologies, it really is quite fascinating how so many of the Normandy’s crew and passengers display exceptional sexual characteristics.”

“Please, can we move on? Like, how did Tali even get this way?”

“Unknown. However, it would be remiss of me to not take this opportunity to get thoroughly wrecked and soaked in spunk. Would you like to hear the shortlist of possible scenarios for me to use? I have appropriate outfits available for each of them.”

“Sure, sure… Anything to get that one image out of my head.”