I can’t

Hey Darx,

You should sit down before you read the rest of this letter. I’ve got something to tell you and well … you’re not going to like what I have to say.

See, my party and I recently went on a quest. We were told the roads were being attacked by monsters but in truth, it was bandits. They ambushed us and a few of my friends got wounded before we could even draw our weapons. Luckily, we managed to turn the tide, but there was this one moment where one of them had tripped me. I was lying on the ground. I had lost my sword. I was completely defenseless and one of the bandits was about to kill me. I thought I was going to die.

Fortunately, one of my party members, a knight named Roland jumped in front of my would-be murderer and saved my life. So you don’t have to worry about my health. I am safe and fine. But for you the bad stuff is going to start now.

See, immediately after the battle, I noticed my hands were shaking. At first, I thought it was because I was feeling cold, but now I know it was because the near-**** experience gave me a subconscious fear.

Over the next couple of days, it kept getting worse. First, I dreamt the battle all over again. Then I started dreaming about me being dead and you paying your respects to my grave. I was at a very weak moment in my life and I needed support. I had need of you. Except, you weren’t there.

Now I want you to know that I am not blaming you. You’re still in training so you hold none of the blame. But me … This long-distance relationship has been a lot harder on me than I thought it would be. I didn’t think I would miss you this much. I never thought I could feel so incredibly lonely. But the stress of being away from you, and then the stress of almost getting killed, and then also all the nightmares … I broke down.

Remember back when Emma and Oliver eloped to Riledo. I broke down then too and you were there to support me. It was similar here. Except this time, I was supported by Roland. You know. The guy who saved my life. And I want you to know, I didn’t plan for it. All of it just happened. So even I was surprised when I discovered that well … I had developed feelings for Roland.

So yeah, not the kind of news you want to hear. But it’s the truth and you deserve to know it.

I am so sorry for how things turned out. I really meant it all the times I told you that you were the love of my life. But I guess I am simply not the kind of person that can do long-distance relationships. And that is on me, not you. So please, don’t blame yourself over this. None of this is your fault.

Despite all of this, I do still care about you. You are like my best friend. So please continue your training, get as high a rank as you possibly can and if you can still bear to deal with me, please come join my guild. There are a good couple of single girls here that I can introduce you to. I even have a friend in another guild, the Kedamono’s brigade, who is a really sweet healer with beautiful green hair. She would be a much better girlfriend to you than I could ever be. And let’s be honest. Helping you get together with a different girl is the least I can do after hurting you like this.

Sorry for everything, Mia.

It is the 4th time now that I have written this letter. Every time I read it after writing, I feel like I am not explaining myself well enough. Or that I need to apologize more.

Suddenly, I get interrupted by a knock on the door. My desk is right next to my room’s entrance so I just have to stand up. But when I open the door a draft comes into my room and blows the letter to the floor. Uh great, I’ll pick it up later.

At my door is Merlara. She holds out a pouch full of coins and says, “I’ve sold the rest of the loot. Here’s your part.” And then she hands me the pouch.

I open it and check how much there is.

“Nice.” I say as I smile. “This’ll go a long way to me getting some new chain mail.”

I turn and walk over to where I stash all my other earnings. I don’t mind if Merlara sees where I keep my money. She has always been honest when it comes to finances. But when I turn back to Merlara I see that she has picked up my letter to Darx. She’s got the visor of her helmet up and she is reading the letter.

“Hey!” I yell at the nosy cunt while I quickly walk back to her. “You shouldn’t be reading other people’s letters!”

I try to snatch the letter back from her, but Merlara elbows me in the stomach. It was a hard punch too. Unusually hard for a C rank.

Merlara then gives me an icy cold stare and says, “You have been cheating on your boyfriend?”

“It’s not like that.” I say as I clutch mys tomach. “It’s … it’s complicated.”

“This letter clearly says you have a boyfriend named Darx.” Merlara says as she waves the letter around. “And now you’re fucking Roland.”

“That letter only says I’ve developed feelings for Roland. Nothing else.” I say in my defense.

“Oh, please.” Merlara counters. “You think I haven’t heard the both of you when you were supposed to be holding watch? I merely let you have your way with him because then he’d finally stop bothering me.”

“Merlara, it’s more complicated than that.” I try to explain.

But the blonde spellsword has no interest in anything I have to say. “I’m going to show this to Roland.”

Goddess no! If there is one person whom I don’t want reading this letter, it’s Roland.

“Merlara, don’t!” I say, but she just waves her hand at me and all of a sudden, I feel sick to my stomach. Like I’m about to vomit.

I fall to my knees and start gagging and coughing, but I don’t actually puke. Is this a result of Merlara elbowing me? Shouldn’t this have happened earlier? Like, immediately after?

While I am suffering from nausea, Merlara leaves. I try to head after her, but another gag has me doubled over. I partially start to wish that i were to actually vomit. At least then it's out.

When my nausea starts to dissipate I start to head towards Roland's room. Maybe Merlara is trying to find him in the hall. If i'm lucky i can find him before she gets to him. The only thing I can do is hope that Roland isn’t going to listen to her and won’t dump me over this. When my nausea ends, I start running over to Roland’s room. There is only a small chance that Merlara hasn’t gotten to him yet, but maybe, just maybe I can still be lucky.

Yet when I get to Roland’s room, I see both him and Merlara in there. With Roland holding my letter to Darx.

As soon as they hear me arrive, Roland and Merlara both turn to me. Merlara’s expression is ice cold and full of anger and accusation. Roland instead is showing confusion.

“I thought you were single.” Roland says.

My expression saddens and I look at the ground. “I didn’t think it was necessary to let people know. Also, every time I thought about him, I felt so alone. I thought that if I put it to words it would feel even worse.”

“We’re kicking you off the party”. Merlara says in a harsh tone.

What? My party?

“That’s too harsh, Merlara.” Roland tells the blonde dark knight.

Hearing Roland stand up for me fills me with hope. I may still have a price to pay, but that is fine. As long as I don’t lose him.

“Roland!” Merlara chastises him. “You’re not taking her side, right? She’s a dirty cheater!”

“You weren’t there, Merlara. You didn’t see her break down.”

Merlara, becoming frustrated, lets her anger out by lifting her visor and yells, “God dammit, Roland! Would you stop thinking with your dick! She’s already cheated on this Darx person! She’s going to cheat on you too!”

“It’s not like I planned it!” I yell at Merlara. “What, you think I planned to have a breakdown! That I gave these nightmares to myself?! You think I chose to develop feelings for Roland?!”

Merlara turns to me and yells, “If you stopped loving Darx you should have broken up with him first and fucked Roland after!”

“We were off on a quest! We didn’t have any paper sheets with us, or envelopes and whatever letters I could have sent would have traveled at the same speed as us!”

“Well, then you should have kept it in your pants!”

“Maybe, if you weren’t so uptight and gave Roland a ride or two, he would not have had eyes for me!”

“Enough! Both of you, stop!” Roland yells, causing Merlara and I to stop our shouting match.

Roland takes a breath to calm himself down. “Mia, are you still in love with Darx?”

I look Roland in the eyes and say, “I care for him. But it’s the caring between friends, not lovers.”

“Then you need to send him this letter.” Roland tells me and hands the letter back.

As I take my letter back, Merlara shakes her head and says, “I don’t believe this. You’re actually going to let her get away with it?”

“People make mistakes, Merlara. I can’t hold her lack of perfection against her.”

“You can’t trust her Roland.” Merlara says. “Not now that she has become a cheater. She will cheat again. That’s what cheaters do.”

“When she breaks up with Darx, she won’t be cheating anymore.”

“I will not be on the same party as her.” Merlara threatens while pointing her index finger at Roland. “Either she goes, or I go.”

Really Merlara? You want to take it that far? Great goddess, what is your problem? Why do you have to be such a bitch?

“Sorry, Merlara. But I’m going to give Mia a second chance.”

Merlara and Roland stare at each other. Roland’s stare is confident and calm. Merlara instead is seething with anger. I thought she was going to yell at Roland. Instead, her response is a lot calmer than her expression suggests.

“You know, Roland. I came to this guild and joined your party because your uncle asked me to take care of you when he died. But I did not sign up to suffer any cheating whores in my presence.”

“I never asked you to take care of me.” Roland says with slight surprise in his voice. Seems like he wasn’t aware of it. “If my uncle really asked this of you, then I relieve you of your promise.”

“Fine then.” Merlara spits out. “Have fun with your slut.”

Merlara then puts her visor back down and walks out the door, giving me an intentional push from her shoulder as she walks past. Guess we’ll have to find a new party member.

“Mia. Can you come over here?” Roland asks as he sits on his bed.

I do as he says and meekly sit next to him.

“I want you to tell me about Darx?”

I told him everything. About his B rank mother, his own adventurer training, his red eyes and the crush I had on him. Well, I didn’t tell him about how I seduced Darx in the cave so … not everything. I also left out all the other intimate moments. I figured Roland would not be happy hearing me tell him about all the times I had another guy’s dick inside me. I did tell him I had to fight with Amelia for Darx’s affection.

After I’m done telling my story Roland asks, “He’s the guy you lost your virginity to, right?”

“Yes.” I admit. “He was my first, you are my second.”

“And you really loved him?”

“My feelings for him were real, but apparently not strong.” I confess. “Or at least not strong enough to survive more than a 3-month separation.”

Roland sighs. Then he holds my hand and says, “Then I promise to not be away from you for more than 3 months.”

I grab Roland’s hand, lean closer to him and give him a kiss.

All of a sudden Leonora bursts into the room.

“Roland! Merlara is leaving!” She yells in panic.

“I know.” Roland says. “We had a fight. She is not going to be in our party anymore.”

“No, I mean the guild!” Leonora replies. “She took her stuff from her room, handed me Mimizu’s earnings of our last quest and then she handed her badge to the guild leader!”

“She what?!” Roland asks. He then stands up and says, “I’ve got to go talk to her.”

Just before Roland leaves, he turns back to me and says, “You’re going to send that letter to Darx, right?”

“Well not like this, you and Merlara handled it so rough it’s all crumpled.” I tell him.

“Then write it on another sheet of paper and send that. He deserves to know.”

After that, Roland left and I returned to my room.

I grab pen and paper and prepare to write the letter all over again. But then I recall how aggressive Merlara responded to this letter. What if Darx responds the same way? He might slack his training and get a lower rank. That is a huge deal. After all, once you receive your rank, it is set in stone. You can’t change it anymore. I’m already hurting him by breaking up with him. If he also drops in rank because of me, then that will be two times i hurt him. Two ways in which I'm responsible for making his life worse.

And what if he doesn’t get a rank at all? What if he gives up on his training altogether and remains a non-rank?

No, I can’t do that to him. He needs to stay motivated and get the best rank he can get. Leading him on like this brings me distractingly close to Amelia. But she led him on for her own satisfaction. I at least lead him on so he could have a better life. That makes what I’m doing totally different from what Amelia did.

And so, I start writing Darx a different letter.

Darx. You won’t believe what happened on my last adventure. We got ambushed!

…