I am NOT a Hero!, by MichaelChaseLit

“Good evening everyone. I am your host Marcie and we are reviewing a brand new story today.”

“…”

“Gina?”

“You know how some of these guys are just blatant wish fulfillment self inserts? Like uhhh, the protagonist is a super handsome accomplished author with a huge dick!”

“...errr...yes”

“Even these guys have at least the common decency to mask their self fellating ways to some degree.”

“…”

“BUT THIS GUY! THIS DICKVACUUMER NAMES HIS OWN PROTAGONIST AFTER HIS USERNAME! WHICH IS PROBABLY HIS REAL NAME TOO!”

“Gina please.”

“I am using my hacking skills (google) right now, trying to figure out which of these fucks this is. It’s probably the pro wrestler.”

“Gina.”

“God help us all if it’s the defense guy.”

“GINA!”

“WHAT?”

“You need to calm down.”

“Haaah….”

“To move things along we are reading I am NOT a Hero!, by MichaelChaseLit”

“Riveting. So what the fuck is this weeks garbage about?”

“A good question, Gina. This story does not believe in tags, which is certainly a choice. Its about section tells us nothing too.”

“I tells us something alright. It tells me I will hate this.”

“You hate everything, Gina. Lettuce begin.”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

Discover Lovus, the city where science, nature, people, and technology converge to create a world like no other! Imagine a place where animals are pushed to the next level, powered by cutting-edge animal hybrid technology. Here, the boundaries between species blur, and innovation leads the way to a future full of limitless potential... and taste! Located in the deep hea-

“The first chapter starts us off with an add for what appears to be a mysterious city. There is a bit of an...interesting focus on the animal part but I am sure that is just coincidence.”

“Is this a furry story, Marcie?”

“Surely not, Gina.”

I watched as a butler effortlessly put down a cow, presumably to cook up a nice steak dinner tonight. What a view!

“Yeah, its worse.”

“Gina please. That line makes sense in context. Well, a bit more sense at least.”

“Uhu.”

“We are following Michael Chase, a guy down on his luck, who decided to move to the mystical city of Novus. A sort of **** high tech city basically controlled by a single mega corporation that I am sure will not turn out to be evil.”

Hey there! Long time reader, first time writing in! First and foremost; I apologize for tainting this site with my writing.

“Not good enough. Get down on your knees, kiss my feet and apologize for wasting my time with your trash.”

“Gina, be nice.”

“You’re right. You don’t have to kiss my feet. The mere thought repulses me. Go fuck some barn animal instead, you disgusting creep.”

“You are especially anti-social today, Gina.”

“I don’t know, Marcie. I’m just having a feeling. That this guy will royally piss me off. Call it preemptive action, which is justifiable self-defense.”

“Well, on a moe positive note, we finally get some information about what to expect from this story. It is apparently supposed to be about Superheros.”

“Great, my favorite subject.”

“And it also involves a massive megacorp. Hmm. I think someone likes The Boys.”

“Are you telling me this fucker is gay too, Marcie?”

“...let us just read on.”

“Yeah, then we can focus on the riveting task of Michael getting a coffee for his asshole boss, which takes up the entire second chapter.”

“Also apparently Michael has so much game, the cute barista offers him to stay at her place.”

“This isn’t just wish fulfillment, it’s super wish fulfillment.”

“Thanks again, Sara. Talk to you tonight!” I called as I ran out the door. It felt rude to bounce after being given a place to stay, but I was already late. Rich was always a dick, but he was an even bigger dick when he didn’t get his diabetes-filled coffee.

“sigh…I am disappointed Gina.”

“You don’t say.”

“This story promised to be comedic and yes the author squandered this perfect opportunity to call Rich Dick.”

“Isn’t he a rich dick?”

“On second thought, that wordplay is pretty clever.”

“Why the hell are we even talking about this, Marcie? Just get this lame ass plot moving already!”

“Certainly. Rich is, as mentioned, a dick and forces Michael to do menial busywork.”

It was around lunchtime when I got back to Rich. Oh, also, I had to carry the dozens of rats back down with me that we’d ordered. I’d slipped on the -14th floor from my previous coffee spillage, and landed on one of the rat cages. Somehow, a rat had actually been shoving himself through at the perfect angle that I landed on his head, crushing it. So, I arrived back to Rich with coffee and rat blood/ brains on my shirt.

“First, disgusting, second TMI, third, this is the third fucking chapter and we already had two instances of animal ****, which correct me if I am wrong Marcie but I believe that this IS PSYCHOPATHIC BEHAVIOR!”

“Indeed Gina. The golden ratio of Animal **** to Sex in a porn story is 1:3”

“So, the guy runs into a giant rat monster because his workplace does unethical genetic experiments or something. He doesn’t die(sadly) but now the corpo wants him **** so the **** him to be their **** tester and put a fucking bomb in his head!

“I guess you could say...Michael’s job is a real rat race!”

“…”

“Maybe he should have CHASED another career?”

“I can’t tell if I hate you or the author more.”

Hey! I mentioned in chapter(?) one that I’m new to this, so I’m not sure how often I’m meant to speak to you guys directly.

“Oh, wait I can. IT’S THE FUCKING AUTHOR WHO WON’T STOP SHUTTING THE FUCK UP!”

“Michael is one of these authors who really like to engage with the readers. He’s like an adorable little puppy constantly barking for attention.”

“Please don’t make any more animal comparisons, Marcie.”

“I just think it’s cute. Pathetic but cute. Still, I would advise to put all these author notes in the comment section instead.”

“You stupid fuck!”

“Were where we, Gina?”

“Me getting pissed off.”

“I mean story wise.”

“Ugh...The loser gets a bomb implanted in his head and is released, so he goes home to his new girls only appartment, hooks it up in the **** goth girls room before he gets called out for pizza night, they are having flamin—sh...-sha…...shaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaa.arrrrrrrrrrrrrr…….”

“Uh-oh.”

As far as pizza went, people were obsessed with flaminshark. Flamingo-shark. It was chewy and bright pink. It looked like a round slice of gelatinous Pepto Bismol. It tasted like rubber with sugar. How does flamingo combined with shark even do that? I didn’t understand the hype.

“…”

“Gina?”

“…”

“Gina, you are shaking.”

“…”

“Look, Gina he doesn’t even like it!”

…

..

.

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

…

..

.

“And we are back. How are you feeling, Gina?”

“Baby shark, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. Baby shark!”

“And focus!”

“HRK! Gah! Ugh! Hack! Bah!”

“Everything alright, Gina?”

“Sure, what happened in the story?”

“They eat pizza with...uh shrimps on them.”

“Disgusting.”

“Next our hero decides to retire for the night. However, in his room a girl committed suicide and said ghost girl is now haunting Michael.”

“Marcie, hold on.”

“Yes?”

“You said this was about superheroes? Were the fuck are the superheroes?”

“Good question, Gina. The author seems just as confused as us as to what to do with the plot. On the plus side, there’s ghost sex. While watching two lesbians getting it on.”

“Hmm…”

“You didn’t seem terrible enthusiastic about the aforementioned sex of the lesbian variety.”

“The girls kinda blend together for me. I like the ghost girl and Hana’s pretty cool too. But the rest are kinda meh.”

“There is a bit of that, right? I would not even say that they are particular similar, but there are four of them and unlike Vanessa(the ghost girl) and Hana(mad scientist) they are not given particularly much screen time.”

Hey, author’s note. Very short.

“That note was not short. That note was eight paragraphs long. We had entire chapters that were shorter then this note!”

“Yes, the author keeps up his post chapter comment section. But on the bright side, we are finally getting something resembling superheros.”

“You don’t say, Marcie.”

“You see, the mystery **** that was given Michael provides him with superpowers.”

“Yeah but it’s the super lame kind of superpowers. He can now stop bullets with his body, geez. How original.”

“Fast forward to chapter 24 and we find out that the girls are actually part of a superhero group and they want Michael to join them.”

Kenzie gave me a look as though I was a fool. “Come on, Michael… can’t be that hard to figure out. I mean, we’re no Hero Hosts, but we’re a fine group!”

Okay. Guess I should explain the Hero Hosts.

“No you really don’t.”

“Cue lengthy exposition on each and every member of Hero Host. Mind you that in the remaining chapters these guys do not show up even once.”

“What the fuck does this shit even want to be?”

“Yes, the biggest flaw of this story is that it is aimless. 50 chapters of decent-ish length and most of it is spend on meandering sidequests. I do not even feel the need to summarize the remaining 26 chapters. Know that it involves going on a date(no sex) going on another date(still no sex) and a guy named Cocktease(the best part).”

“For fucks sake.”

“The only reason I have been benign so far is that the writing itself is actually really good.”

“Meh.”

“Following Michael(the protagonist) and his neurotic thoughts is amusing. So amusing in fact that you might even forgive Michael(the author) for wasting our time.”

“I never forgive, Marcie.”

“But even the best writing can only get you so far. We really don’t need any more examples of how comically evil the megacorp is or how much Michael fails at dating, a fact that we gathered by chapter three. What we need is a tight plot.”

“And put some more sex in, you fuck!”

“Now, to the authors credit he does try to sneak some fanservice in every now and then. It wouldn’t hurt to have them pop up more frequently but we also read much worse.”

“Yeah but we had authors who actively avoided sex scenes. The bar is so low even a failure like you can crawl under it.”

“Don’t you mean jump over, Gina?”

“Nah, he’s more the crawl under stuff guy, Marcie. Like a worm. Or cockroach.”

“Alright. Alright. But seriously, for a first attempt this is actually pretty good. And as a bonus, there wasn’t even any **** either.”

“Sure could have fooled me.”

“Yes, I wonder why the author..oh….ohhhhh.”

“...what?”

“You know what I think, Gina?”

“What, Marcie?”

“That our little author didn’t even realize the...somewhat problematic language he used.”

“Wow.”

“Blurring the boundaries of species is it? pfft...Now, that is just adorable! I must say, I do not dislike these types of innocent new writers. It makes me want to follow them and see just how clumsy they can get.”

“Oh fuck, author, run for the hills!”

“At any rate, I believe we can now bring this review to a close.”

“Finally.”

“And remember, Michael: You can not spell Hero without Ero.”