The characters of I am NOT a Hero!, by MichaelChaseLit react to Marcie and Gina reacting to I am NOT a Hero!, by MichaelChaseLit

(MICHAEL SHOWING)

“Where the hell am I!?” I awoke in a cold sweat. My heart was racing, and I had no idea where I was. My eyes shot around the room. It was a cold, barren room with nothing but a large screen. I was sitting on a leather-bound recliner in the center of the room. Wait, never mind; there was also a popcorn machine in the corner. What?

“Chill out, dude. You’re in a screening room.” A familiar voice spoke from behind me. Hana came into view with a notepad in hand. She had a weird device jabbed into her neck. It kind of looked like a shot had been jabbed into her and left inside, but made of metal with a pulsating RGB highlight. A loser with a 30,000 dollar gaming computer would kill for it.

“Screening room? What do you mean?”

“Okay, so: Vocx has been trying to move into the television world. They keep attempting to create original works, but none are working out with test audiences. In response, they’re now attempting to create a reality television series.”

“Okay? What, am I seeing a test screening? Why was I fucking kidnapped?”

Hana blew a raspberry. “Nah, it’s in your contract. At any time the company can take you and any loved ones in their sleep and test out media on them.”

“What?!?”

“Eh, it’s whatever. They won’t, like, test shit out on them. It’s literally just for this specific purpose.”

“They… why not just ask?!”

“Shut up. Anyway; you and your friends were chosen because they attempted to create a show about you.”

“About me? Why-“

“Holy shit, Michael, just stop fucking talking until I’m done. Christ. This is already a long-enough intro for why, in-universe, you’re able to see this.”

“Wh-… what?…”

She tapped the side of the device with a pen, making a small clink sound. “Reality-perception device. I can see through the fourth wall and shit. Super overdone nowadays, given the popularity of IPs like Rick and Morty or Deadpool.”

“You sound insane.”

“Once again: shut up. To wrap this up since you refuse to let us get to the reaction without blabbing, in short… your show failed. Two chicks watched your life (starting, like, last week) and basically said your show sucks ass.”

“That’s… weirdly hurtful, considering I didn’t really want to be the star of a reality show.”

“Yeah, but the big wigs up top still think you’re salvageable. You are the other ‘characters’ will get to see the girls’ reaction to your story so far, and hopefully you’ll subconsciously be able to improve from here on.” Hana explained.

I squinted, trying to understand. “What do you mean by ‘subconsciously’?”

“Oh, well, obviously none of you will be allowed to remember this. Shit would get weird if you did. All our memories will be wiped.”

“Oh. I don’t know if I-“

“Shut up, I’m pressing play. Jesus, this thing makes me realize how much you fucking yap.”

Before I could retort, the screen popped alive.

I saw two girls. One was a skinny black haired 19-year-old girl who is currently enrolled in the local American high school. Despite her popularity, one could consider her body resembling more of a twig. Containing breasts that lean towards A cups rather than C cups or her rather bony bottom that made sitting in class an everlasting chore- how the fuck did I know any of this?

“I gave you a low dosage of the shit I’m injected with. Keeps you from completely losing it, and you can see a little bit through the fourth wall.”

“Huh?”

“I can read your mind, yeah. Keep going.”

Uh… okay. The other was a shy petite chubby girl. I could see her holding a candy bar at… at some point in time. This was getting my head all fucked up.

“Good evening everyone. I am your host Marcie and we are reviewing a brand new story today.”

“Wait, pause it.”

Hana sighed, but obeyed.

“Are they reviewers? I thought they were a random test audience?”

“Jesus Christ. Shut. Up.”

I frowned. Hana was being mean.

“BUT THIS GUY! THIS DICKVACUUMER NAMES HIS OWN PROTAGONIST AFTER HIS USERNAME! WHICH IS PROBABLY HIS REAL NAME TOO!”

Hana paused it without my asking. “Okay, see, that’s one thing that needs an explanation. So, basically, this ‘author’ guy they refer to is God.”

“God?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“God is… real?… Wait, which one, actually? I haven’t asked but I think the girls alone follow at least three different religions.”

“This is its own thing. This God would create their gods.” Hana explained.

“This is so complicated for a reality show screening.”

“Yeah.”

“And… his name is… MichaelChaseLit?” I asked.

“Mhm.”

“I’m flattered. Am I godly in any capacity?”

Hana snorted. “No. Not even close. He went by a way cooler name and changed it for… reasons. Apparently he tried to share the show on other websites but his old name was taken.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, he was too unoriginal to make a real username, so he stole yours and added ‘Lit’ for ‘Literature’ as though anything he’s done is worth being called literature by any means.”

“Just… I don’t care anymore, just press play.”

“Also apparently Michael has so much game, the cute barista offers him to stay at her place.”

Hana paused. “Okay, that actually is a good point.”

“We’d known each other for a while! When does the show start?!”

“That day.”

“But… that’s not fair! There’s background! They didn’t see us meet? It was very cute and engaging dialogue!” I huffed.

“What was supposed to happen? The show starts at you getting shot out your mother’s poon?”

Fair point. We continued.

“Why the hell are we even talking about this, Marcie? Just get this lame ass plot moving already!”

“Lame ass… it’s my life!” I knew my life sucked, but seeing two women watch it and shit on it cut deep.

“Indeed Gina. The golden ratio of Animal **** to Sex in a porn story is 1:3”

I actually agreed with this. I had similar thoughts that I’d seen far too much animal cruelty and not nearly enough pussy in my life.

“Michael is one of these authors who really like to engage with the readers. He’s like an adorable little puppy constantly barking for attention.”

“Is the author really like that? Or, uh, God or whatever?”

“Yeah, he really seems like a sucker. I heard he got complimented in middle school by two pretty girls and has been riding that high his entire life.” Hana laughed. “Pathetic.”

“Middle school? Was it a God-based middle school?”

“Shut up.”

After a little more, it hit some static. It seemed to be because one girl freaked out over the flaminshark pizza. Honestly? Relatable.

“You said this was about superheroes? Were the fuck are the superheroes?”

I clicked my tongue. “The average mother fucker doesn’t deal with ground-breaking shit like superheroes their entire life! These bitches couldn’t give me a week?!”

Hana shrugged. “I don’t think their world works like ours.”

“Huh?”

“Like, superheroes aren’t real there.”

Huh. Weird. “That sounds a lot less stressful than our world.”

“The girls kinda blend together for me. I like the ghost girl and Hana’s pretty cool too. But the rest are kinda meh.”

“There is a bit of that, right? I would not even say that they are particular similar, but there are four of them and unlike Vanessa(the ghost girl) and Hana(mad scientist) they are not given particularly much screen time.”

“What?” I asked. “They don’t even look the same!”

“I think viewers would prefer you share your team equally to give more screen time to the other girls. Also, they don’t have visuals.”

“Huh?”

“The television bit I’ve been doing doesn’t translate for critiques like this one.”

“What?”

“Shut up. Spend more time with the girls.”

“I-I’ve been busy! I literally got one day to myself this week!”

Hana shrugged. “Not my problem. They loved me.”

“You put a bomb in me!”

“Makes for good television, bud. Dunno what to tell you.”

“Yeah but it’s the super lame kind of superpowers. He can now stop bullets with his body, geez. How original.”

That irked me. “Okay, to be fair, I didn’t even want the power. I didn’t get to pick! I want to be normal!”

“Blame author-God. He should have given you a kinky power. That’s good for ratings.”

“Cue lengthy exposition on each and every member of Hero Host. Mind you that in the remaining chapters these guys do not show up even once.”

Well, that I’m happy about. I don’t really want to meet them. I think they’d kill me or something.

“Yes, the biggest flaw of this story is that it is aimless. 50 chapters of decent-ish length and most of it is spend on meandering sidequests. I do not even feel the need to summarize the remaining 26 chapters. Know that it involves going on a date(no sex) going on another date(still no sex) and a guy named Cocktease(the best part).”

“Do people usually get laid on the first date? Or second? Also, the second lasted about twenty seconds before-“

“No, the second date is me and the museum.”

I furrowed my brows. “That’s not fair! That wasn’t even a date!”

“I mean… not to spoil the future, but that night ended with-“

AUTHOR-GOD: “SHUT UP! SPOILERS!”

“Holy shit, what was that?!” I grabbed my chest. The booming voice had terrified me to my core.

“Author-God. Did you not see the name?”

“No!!”

Hana waved her hand dismissively. “Doesn’t matter. Just get that it was a date, even if you didn’t see it as such.”

“The only reason I have been benign so far is that the writing itself is actually really good.”

“Do they mean, like… my life? That’s nice.”

“Yeah, yeah, go get some pussy, loser.”

I frowned again. I didn’t like Hana when her third eye was open.

“That our little author didn’t even realize the...somewhat problematic language he used.”

“Wow.”

“Blurring the boundaries of species is it? pfft...Now, that is just adorable! I must say, I do not dislike these types of innocent new writers. It makes me want to follow them and see just how clumsy they can get.”

“Ah, fuck. Was it the they/them thing? I swear, I didn’t mean to-“

“No, I think Vanessa said something fucked up. Maybe me? I kinda forget. I’m currently experiencing every reality that’s ever existed, so some of the lines are blurring for me.”

I looked at Hana. Her eyes seemed kind of glazed over. I was thankful I’d gotten the smaller dosage.

Hana clicked the screen off. “That’s pretty much it. After that they tell you to get laid more, pretty much.”

“Jeez. These two seem like harsh critics. I feel bad for the girls, honestly. Were their lives analyzed like mine?”

“Nah, you’re the main character.”

“Oh.”

“Alright, I need you to shove this waaay up your ass so you forget about this entire event.” Hana pulled out a pill that was about the size of an eggplant.

“What the fuck?!”

“Yeah. Sorry, dude.”

“Did author-God really decide I’m getting fucked in the ass at the end of this?”

“Yeah. But he doesn’t like that stuff, so it’s going to cut to black and show some of the other girls’ perspective now.”

“Oh, that fucker-“

(VANESSA SHOWING)

“Oh. Well, I’m glad they liked me. Kinda, anyway. They seem nice-ish. Wait… how was I kidnapped? I’m a ghost? How did you even learn about me, Hana?”

“The fourth wall. I think the ghost thing is cool, by the way. Sad we won’t remember each other. We had an amazing philosophical discussion moments ago that will now be lost to time after the anal memory wipe.”

“Yeah, that was nice. But- wait, the what memory wipe?!”

(SARA SHOWING)

“I can’t believe the only part about me was a critique of me being a nice person. What the heck?!”

Hana shrugged. “I found it kinda slutty, honestly. I think they let you off nicely.”

(AVA SHOWING)

“Oh, fuck those two. Fucking… dykes!”

Hana waved her pen threateningly. “Jesus, Ava, chill out!”

“I’m a lesbian, I can say it! These two are cunts! I didn’t even get a name-drop, and I saved the fucker’s life! What the hell?!”

“Sorry, guess you aren’t memorable enough.”

“Shove it up your ass, Hana. You’re just saying that because they liked you.”

Hana smirked, but didn’t disagree.

(KENZIE SHOWING)

“I would have sex with them both.”

Hana looked at Kenzie with a confused expression. “You aren’t upset by anything?”

Kenzie shrugged as she munched some popcorn. She was the only one to ask for popcorn. It was delicious. “Eh, what do I care? Not my life story. I wish they’d complimented my tits; they’re really nice, right?”

“Well… yeah.”

“Thanks.”

Hana stared at the blonde as she continued downing popcorn. She wished she could be so happy with life.

(KATE SHOWING)

“Oh my GOD, they saw us?! They watched us have sex?! Other people can see it!? No, no, no, no! That’s… no!!”

Hana snorted. “You blush, but you also keep getting aroused when you get outed as a sex deviant with Kenzie. You love the attention.”

Kate blushed a deep red. “N… no!”

(CAIT SHOWING)

“I thought we had a nice date. We didn’t really get a second date yet, though… what were those two talking about? Can they see, like, the future?”

Hana tugged at her collar. “Uh… yeah. Whoops. Obviously the second date was with you. Mhm.”

(RICH SHOWING)

“This is fucking lame. I should be the main fucking character, I’m way fucking cooler! Lack of sex wouldn’t be a problem with me. I’m literally called Mr. Pussy-Slayer by my close friends.”

Hana sighed. “Rich. I say this with no sense of exaggeration: if I could write you out of the story, I would.”

(COCKTEASE SHOWING)

“THEY COULDN’T EVEN CALL ME BY MY FUCKING NAME?!?!”

(HANA SHOWING)

"I literally had to sit through that shit, like, eight times. I'm... I'm so, so tired... Author-God better give me an insane redemption arc for this shit..."