Everything is Wrong

You groan and stir.

“Come on baby brother. On your feet.” Fiona takes you by the arm and hoists you up to standing. “There ya go. Good boy.”

Unsteadily you wobble away from her until you find a wall to prop yourself up against. You were still in the hall where you’d been laid out. Fiona stood in Elsie’s doorway with your younger sister behind her. El, back in her nightie, peered around her big sister’s shoulder at you with big concerned eyes.

“That was a cheap shot.” You grumble as you rub your sore jaw.

“You’re lucky I didn’t do worse.” Says Fiona without a hint of remorse. “What the fuck’s your issue tonight?”

Your eyes narrow. “You. You’re my issue.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Come on then.” She waves you on. “Let’s have it.”

There was so much you wanted to say…if only your swirling emotions would have let you. “Nevermind.”

“No. Come on bitch. You wanna have it out, let’s go.”

“Fiona…” El whispers.

“I…am NOT…a BITCH!”

“Well ya sure act like one.”

“FUCK YOU!” You scream. “I’m not a bitch! I’m not a wimp! I’m not a…shrimp dick! I’m your FUCKING brother!”

Your fury catches your sisters off guard. Elsie shifts closer to Fiona, fearful of your open anger. Fiona expression hardens, her body subtly tensing. “Of course you’re my brother. Who said you weren’t?”

“You. In everything you do and say. You don’t give a shit about me!”

“Don’t give a…what the fuck?”

“But you know what? That’s okay.” You push off the wall to stand tall. “I’m done with you. I’m done with all of you.”

Elsie gasps, Fiona's energy shifts from confrontational to confused. “What do you mean, done?”

“I’m done. With you, with you, with this whole fucked up family.” You say. “I’m looking out for number one from now on. I’m gonna count on me. I’m gonna worry about me. I’m not going to give a fuck about anybody but myself.” You seethe. “Just…like…you.”

“Like me?” Fiona says. “You think I don’t care?”

“No. No I don’t.” You step forward and, for the first time ever, Fiona steps back, careful to keep Elsie behind her. “You’re a terrible sister! You’re not even a good person.”

“Jesse, please…”

“No El. Let him talk.”

“You’re worse than not good. You’re bad. You’re evil. You’re a fucking…monster.”

The flinch on Fiona’s face show that your words were striking true. “You just figured that out, huh? Give the little bitch a prize.”

“Fiona…” El grips her sister’s arm. “…easy.”

“Fuck you.” You spit. “Actually I take that back. You’d actually like that, freak.”

“Where’s all this coming from all of sudden?” Fiona asks.

“Where’s it coming from!? All of a sudden!? How can you be so blind?”

“Enlighten me.”

“Please stop fighting.”

“Shut up Elsie.” You snap.

Fiona’s eyes narrow at your tone. “Careful, little brother.”

“Fiona, please.” El pleads for calm. “Jesse…”

“Careful? Or what? You’ll kick my ass. Again. You’ll tell me how worthless I am. Again.” You throw your arms up. “You can beat up your weak little brother, you can make your brother feel pitiful, you can show him how terrible of a man he is, good for you! You must be SO proud of yourself.”

“Oh, boo hoo. Grow a fucking pair.” She steps closer. “I was always there when you needed me.”

“Oh sure, you’d beat up my bullies. Big deal. You were the worst of the lot!” You say. “You never did it for me. You just didn’t want anyone else messing with your own personal victim.”

“Victim?” Fiona shakes her head as if in profound disappointment. “Victim! Is that how you see yourself? Really?”

“And why shouldn’t I? My life sucks because of you. Because of all of you.”

“You think WE have it so easy?”

“But you have each other! Who the fuck do I got!?”

“Who do you…!?” Fiona looks at you like you’d gone mad. “Unbelievable! You stupid, whiny, ungrateful, little…”

“Bitch?” You shout. “Say it! Say it again and see what happens.” Your fists shake at your side. “I’m done being your punching bag, bitch. You’re gonna show me some fucking respect.”

“That right?”

“That’s fuckin right. You ain’t all that Fiona. You ain’t nothin but a sick, broken, bitch. Mom’s right about you. You’re a bad egg. Rotten to the core.”

That fire you’d been fanning now burned brightly in Fiona’s eyes and you ready yourself to fight. She’d win of course, but you’d give it your all before the end. To your surprise however Fiona, instead of throttling you, looks back to Elsie as if for guidance. El strokes Fiona’s shoulder. “Daddy’s watching.” She whispers. “He’s counting on you. He believes in you.”

Fiona closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and nods…then turns back to you and opens her eyes. The anger remained but the fire was gone. “Okay.” She says in a tense but controlled tone. “Fair enough Jesse. I won’t…touch you again. I won’t insult you again. I’m…um… I’m…”

“Go ahead Fiona.” El whispers.

“I’m s…sor…sorry Jesse.” She lets out a hard breath. “I’m sorry.”

You are stunned! She apologized!? Fiona!? Fiona Bailey!? NO! Not now! You wanted a fight God damn it!

“Save your words.” You say, trying desperately to hold onto your wrath even as it melts through your fingers. “It’s too little, too late.”

“Jesse.” Fiona says with infuriating calm. “What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong? Look around Fiona. EVERYTHING is wrong.” Annoyingly your voice begins to warble as the hurt festering inside of you cracks through the anger. “You’re wrong! Mom’s wrong! This whole family’s wrong! I’m…” You gasp as a bitter sob seizes you. “I’m wrong. I’m wrong.” You pound your chest. “I’m wrong!”

“You’re not wr…”

“Yes I am!” You wail. “I t-try to act normal. I try to be…everything they want…me to be. Out there. But it’s never ever enough. I just want to be loved. Ya know?”

“You are loved! You don’t have to hide your real self Jesse.” El says. “You’re wonderful just the way you are.”

“No El. You’re wrong too.” You say. “I’m a Bailey. That means I’m broken. Allison broke up with me…because of you.”

“Me?”

“You…and Mom…and Fiona…all of you.” You snort and shake your head. “I…can’t stop…thinking about you. You and those stupid dicks of yours. At the worst times, in all the wrong ways, there you are to torment me. And it won’t stop. It doesn’t ever stop.”

A look of understanding washes over Fiona as she reaches out to touch your shoulder. “Aw Jesse…”

You push her hand away. “You wanna hear something really fucked up? You wanna hear how pathetic your brother really is? I-I can’t even get it up anymore without thinking of you!” You swallow and sniffle. “What do ya think of that? Huh? Your pitiful little brother’s a limp dick. There’s something else you can tease me about.”

“Jesse…”

“It’s not right. It’s not normal. I just…I just want to be normal. I just want to be loved. Is that too much to ask?”

“Oh Jesse.” Elsie comes to your side, her warm arms pulling you into a hug.

Fiona moves in, her strong hand grips your shoulder. “You’re not alone kid.”

Tears stream freely down your cheeks as you beg them for answers. “Why am I like this? What did you do to me? Wh-Why won’t anybody love me? What’s WRONG with me?” And with that you completely break down. Slumping into Elsie’s arms you bury your face in her shoulder and weep like a baby.

“Oh Jesse.” El says softly as she hold you close. “It’s okay. It’s okay. Everything’s gonna be okay.”

Your big sister rubbing your back and standing near, your little sister holding you tight, you blubber your tears exactly like how you DIDN’T want to happen. But you were too weak to do anything else.

After a time Fiona whispers. “Come on.” And she starts to guide the pair of you toward the stairs.

“Where are we going?” El asks.

“We’re going to Peg’s. Emergency family meeting.” She says. “It’s way past time Jesse finds out who he really is.”