Define epic...

Isn't that just my luck?
My lungs were on fire. My legs were aching. But I made it. In the nick of time. Somehow.
But of course, I couldn't see a thing of the Arena. As it happens, the dunce in front of me just had to decorate his helmet with an extra-large extra feathery plume. As if sneezing wasn't enough of a problem without the feather of a gorilla sized peacock dangling in my face.
"Hey! Down in front!" I peered over the head fan, "Some of us are trying to watch!"
"There are spots at your leisure beyond where you stand now, Heretic." The Goldfish Knight said, "You are welcome to accommodate yourself a seat with a clear view. You are not welcome to pursue me with your childish pestering''

Can you believe that guy?
Sure, he had a point. The lectars were mostly left vacant. Most people would rather sleep in than watch a pair of newbies duke it out between themselves. All in all, that made for an appropriately peaceful and quiet morning. Now, there were more people there than I'd be willing to share a twix bar with, but for a grand event like the Rasheul **** Tournament, you wouldn't expect this low turnout if the seats were made from oversized hornets nests.
Still, that didn't give the Goldfish any right to raise an entire paradefloat in my face. Trying to pin his own inconsiderate choice of headgear entirely on me.... What a bitch move.

Well, I'm not someone to hold a grudge. If I let my mood droop because some guy refused to remove his helmet, I'd be conceding he had far too much power over how my day goes. But that's not me! This is my problem! And I revel in the challenge!
So, I pulled out a roll of duct tape from my pocket, ripping off a small piece that stuck to my index finger. I gently pinched the tip of the feather against the tape, sticking it to the middle of the piece. Then, with a gentle flick I attached it to the golden base of the golden helmet, fixing the feather so as to bend backwards and out of my way.
There we go! I got myself a clear view of the Arena, just in time for the first half of the smoke to roll away. Out came a huge wide-brimmed pointy hat, with a short voluptuous woman underneath.

"...without suffering so much as a scratch on her impeccable hide: The Witch of Miracles Beatrice!" Ben shouted, earning cheers from the crowd far beyond the measure of its meager size.
Now, the ghostly pale witch didn't go around in her undies like a certain Bird Brain. But let me tell you, it's not just about how much fabric is used. How it's used makes all the difference! And those dark and cold colors could light a house on fire. An alluring purple Chinese dress hugged her curvy frame, with a blue bodice that held up those enormous melons. Short she may be, but she carried herself like a goddess. Both legs liberated from the form fitting dress by slits on either side, she stepped boldly forward with a single foot so as to present her shapely thigh while boldly challenging the authority of those she addressed.

You can tell what an amazing view I had, once I got that annoying fan out of the way. And that Goldfish Knight didn't even notice me fiddling with his feather. He didn't really miss me tapping his helmet though, so he turned to glare at me through his visor.
"Cease that at once. My treasured armour, Goldenbaum, is not for heretics to touch with their tainted hands."
"Sure. But, hey! Just saying; if you expect your armor to fall apart from the teensiest poke, then is it actually that great of an armor?"

The Goldfish Knight scoffed, "That is not it. The inerrant record of my armour's legacy as it is passed from generation to generation must reflect its prodigious stock. I shall expect the songs of my exploits from within its safeguard to regale how it withstood onslaughts of terrifying monsters. How it endured lengthy battles to determine the fate of empires. I shall not expect them to regale how it became the victim of the irreverent touch of some insolent child."
"Huh... Wait, you're saying that... You live in a story book?"
He sighed audibly, "If you must put it that way. But yes. I am destined to be recorded in history as the purveyor of all that is right and true. The artefacts I safeguard are a testament to that."
"Oh, that's some confidence you've got there! That'll get you far! But still, probably should point out that history has a way of setting its own path. You know? Cause in the end, people are the ones writing it. And the ones reading and understanding it are people too. And people always have their own little ways of thinking and seeing. You know?"
"And yet, there are seats of destiny from which the course of collective memory is steered. And these seats are never awarded to common men. Those who occupy them inevitably distinguish themselves from the crowds by their wealth and nobility. So perhaps then you can realise why I am..."

"...The Golden Knight Silvester Spartano d'artagan?" Ben's voice broke out.

The Goldfish Knight turned his helmet slowly towards the arena, "What?"
The brilliantly shimmering gold of a certain Holy Lance appeared in the fog before anything else. The rolling smoke kept thinning out as it slithered across the Arena. Once it lifted, there she stood; the scantily clad holder of the Holy Lance, standing tall in all her Bird Brained glory.

"Oh! My mistake! Turns out that was our very own Sexy-Knight Sanakia all along! She just got her hands on the Golden Knight's spear!"
The Goldfish Knight's plume sprung back up.

"WHAT!?"
He shot up from his seat, rattling his golden armor when his feet reached the ground.
"Hey, come on! Down in front!" I groaned aloud.

"My my, ladies and gentlemen! Penguin Day has come early this year! We now get to behold the Holy Lance Jaivardhan in action right off the bat! What a way to kick off the Bracket Finals!"
"No..." The Goldfish Knight clenched his fists, "This... This is a forgery..."
His words faltered, becoming less and less convinced for each syllable. Probably didn't think too much about what exactly he held in his hand before. Once the idea of a forgery popped in his head though, calling the immaculate mastercraft before him 'forgery' didn't quite sit right.

That was the real deal.
Clear as day.

"Well well well..."
The Wicked Witch of Miracles spoke. I wouldn't say 'calm' would fit the description of her voice. Nor would 'stoic.' Her inflection was more like a cold, seductive performance, making a point of flaunting whatever hidden intentions she had.
"The great Holy Lance? In the hands of a galmon? Oh, what a charmingly endearing sight. And here I thought this exhibition would turn out awfully dull."
"Laugh while you can, witch!" The Bird Brain declared, pointing the lance at her opponent readily, "Your days are numbered! You now stand against the glory of the Holy Lance Jaivardhan! Your foul tricks hold no dominion over its eminence!"

"Stop it!" The Goldfish Knight raised his hands and looked around, "This match cannot commence! Cease this at once!"
"FIGHT!" Ben shouted.

"NO! I SAID STOP! STOP AT ONCE!!!"
A loud roar echoed across the stadium, sending the panicked crowd scrambling to get out of the Goldfish Knight's way from primal instinct alone. Labored breathing echoed inside the golden helmet as he stormed down the stairs between the aisles raised over the Arena. The terrified audience couldn't keep their eyes off him, yet they shifted away from the seats closest to the stairs when he passed. His henchmen, who until then sat beside him, followed suit. Though they kept a safe distance.
He bolted straight towards his Holy Lance. And towards the ledge overlooking the Arena. Just as he was about to leap over the ledge, the barrier met with his mad charge, and he came to an crashing stop.
That didn't keep him from trying though.

"SANAKIA! SANAKIA!!! DROP IT! GIVE IT BACK!!! NOW!!! DO YOU HEAR ME!?"

His gauntlets pounded against the barrier over and over. Whenever his fists connected with the magical seal, violent sparks burst out in defiance of his relentless barrage.
At that point I could actually see his bloated veins through his armor.
Sounds like something I'd make up? Just to exaggerate?
I'm telling you, I'm not making that up! Once you get as mad as him, all bets are off on what'll happen.

His non-golden knights rushed to his side, pulling at their frenzied master in an attempt to pry him away.
"My Lord, there simply must be some kind of mistake." The surprisingly female tall knight in heavy scary armor said while tugging his arm.
"Indeed. Let us contact the Tournament Officials. No doubt they shall have it sorted out!" A stout, broad-shouldered male knight said, hanging off the Goldfish's shoulder.
Of course, he refused to budge. Clearly not the least bit worried that people were watching.

"BEGONE! CAN YOU NOT SEE SHE HAS MY LANCE!? SHE HAS NO RIGHT!!!"

He shrugged off his subordinate like bugs.

Eventually he stopped hammering at the barrier when exhaustion set in. Hunched over, he let himself rest against it with his arms trembling.
I walked up to him, patting him on his pauldron, "Hey, Big Guy! Now, I know this isn't part of your plan, or whatever, but... Come on! You chose her yourself, didn't you? She can't be that bad, right? She'll be fine. Just trust her, will you?"

"SILENCE!" He spat out between bated breaths, "WHAT DO YOU KNOW, HERETIC!? YOU KNOW NOTHING! NOTHING!!! THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MINE!!!"

Yup.
That guy was far gone.
Honestly, I'm just glad he didn't kill anyone in that state. Cause if he did, that'd be partially my fault.

So, why do I keep staging these random chaotic shit-shows, you ask? Those involved clearly got so much worse off. Right? The Bird would get herself chewed out by her Goldfish. The Goldfish... Well, I don't need to tell you how he felt about all that. Not to mention the innocent bystanders who risked getting pummeled by his blood-fueled rage.
It's not as if I really get something out of this either!
None of it makes any sense, does it? After all, it's better to be safe than sorry. No one in their right mind would ever pick 'sorry' because they can, right? People are expected to be cautious and avoid unnecessary chances, so the lives of everyone involved can persist without unnecessary disruption.

But think about it: Is that enough? If you could look over the entirety of your life from start to finish, finding nothing extraordinary... Never took any risks... Never did anything you weren't supposed to... Each day a carbon copy of any other day... Would you be satisfied with that?
Sure, I'm worried about Bird Brain. But I'm even more worried of missing out on something unique that nobody ever saw the likes of!
There are no good or bad outcomes here. Whatever happened in that match, it'll be different from any other match in the history of the Rasheul **** Tournament!
There are just some chances you gotta take! No matter what.

Others you just gotta give.
And while the Goldfish Knight would never think so, nobody deserves a chance more than Sanakia.
But what she'd end up doing with her chance? Well...

"KYAAAAAH!!" Bird Brain charged forward like an arrow.
She sure was a lot spryer than during our spars. But speed alone doesn't mean a thing against someone who can teleport. Which of course, the Wicked Witch could.
She disappeared before the spear could get close. The lance bit the empty air where her massive tits should have been.
Bird Brain didn't expect the weapon to be able to sway around like a flagpole after spitting her target.
But swaying around like a flagpole it did.
She lost balance, tripping over herself and fell screeching face-first into the sand.

The Wicked Witch watched dumbfounded from across the Arena. She held her wand at the ready, but clearly wasn't ready to see her opponent scramble on all four in the sand.
So long did she remain lost in thought, she hardly even had time to react when Bird Brain recovered and closed the distance once more. The galmon pushed the offensive yet again. This time... She wound the spear way over her head. Like a caveman with his club.
The spear struck the ground like lightning from the sky with a resounding whack.
That kind of attack could be seen from space! Even someone who only ever heard rumors of close combat, like our Wicked Witch, had no trouble stepping away. The spearhead missed the target and sank into the sand, from where the Bird Brain had considerable trouble unearthing it.
Once again, our little Witch looked upon that with confusion. But this time a different kind. It was the kind of confusion where she was unsure on whether to be amused that she didn't even need magic to evade that attack, or annoyed.

"Do not count me out yet!" Bird Brain dislodged the spear from the sand.
Having not quite yet figured out how a spear works, she wound it all the way over her shoulder.
To her credit, a big lightsaber doesn't really have to be used like a spear; all stabby and thrusty. Points for creativity, I suppose. But you need a smarter gal than me to figure out exactly when big telegraphed swings like those are a good idea.

The Bird Brain swept the spear in a wide arc, spinning round round and around. The spearhead swooshed and swished through the air around her, drawing golden circles as she twirled in place.
I gotta say, the Bird Brain managed to rack up one heck of a pace! Like a carousel with rockets for passengers.
Didn't quite manage to hit the Wicked Witch though. She opted to float away before the spear could touch her. Soaring through the air, she watched in amusement from above at her opponent, spinning round round and around. All the way until she ran out of breath. The rotation slowed down before the lance sank in her grip and scraped the sand, before coming to a complete stop.

Stopping the spear from spinning was the easy part. The hard part, by all appearances, was stopping the Bird Brain in her skull from spinning. Stumbling around the spear in a daze, she was far too busy figuring out which way was Reft and which was Light, to keep track of her opponent.
Once the Wicked Witch of Miracles landed behind the disoriented Bird Brain, she seized the opportunity and took aim with her wand. Bird Brain collapsed on the ground, her butt sticking out like a huge target.
"Fire Laser!"
A bright amber beam shot from the tip of the wand.
"YUAAAWWWHH!!" Bird Brain launched through the air like a rocket, grabbing her bum and kicking fervently in the air before falling in a heap on the sand. She rolled around desperately, shoveling sand on her rear to soothe the pain.
"Ow ow ow ow ow!"

Having watched this go down, the Witch clamped her lips shut, sealing it with the knuckle of her long slender index finger. All the strength of her being could not contain the odd snicker leaving her lips. It looked like she was about to explode.
Clearly this job was beyond any mortal.
"...Kuh... Huh... Kya-ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-hah!"

The Bird Brain dusted off her panties as she stood back up. Her face red as a tomato, she glared daggers at the Wicked Witch.
"Silence!" she barked, "You will regret laughing at me, Witch!"
The Wicked Witch flashed her the most condescending and punchable face ever, "Oh... I do apologize. But, Sweetheart, you are simply far too amusing. Did you honestly think holding the Holy Lance was enough to grant victory? Just because? Oh, but I'm afraid that is not quite how it works. Even the Holy Lance Jaivardhan is nothing but a shiny toy without someone who can actually use it. Next time, stick to playing with whatever scraps us grownups can spare."

"You... You dare speak of me as someone with whom you are familiar? Guh... Alas, I am a diligent knight who never relents when fighting for what is good. That is all you need to know about me. Because those with wicked hearts like you shall never prevail before the bulwarks of goodness!"
"Oh, now? Is that what you truly believe? Hmm?"
"Of course!"
"Then prey tell me; So many others have fought for 'good.' Not all of them have wielded the Holy Lance when doing so. Even so, you bothered to take it along with you today. Why do you think that is? Would not this exhibition have turned out the same regardless, hmm?"
"I, uh... Mmm..."
"Oh? So you don't know? Then, Sweetheart, allow me to tell you why. You were hoping that there was more about you than the profound disappointment you have always been."
Bird Brain growled, sneering at the Witch, "S-stop it!"
But she didn't stop it. The Wicked Witch reveled in her squirming, "Oh, but one can dream, hmm? One can dream that, perhaps, there was something more to you, some secret ingredient if you will, that would redeem your persistent failure. That would utterly make sense of your inadequacies. That turning a charlatan such as yourself into a fierce knight, ready to go toe to toe with yours truly, would be as easy as picking up the right weapon. Oh, what a nice dream. But now, Sweetheart, it's time to wake up."
Keeping up her blank smile, the Wicked Witch pulled out her wand once more.

Bird Brain went awfully quiet for a while, but then…
“UUUAAAAAAAAGHHH!” She coached the lance under her arm, charging towards forward with reckless abandon.

The Wicked Witch eyed her opponent nonchalantly without so much as a flinch.
Before her opponent could get close, she wielded her wand gently but swiftly, like how a conductor uses his stick-thingy. With a simple yet dramatic flourish, huge red flames erupted from the ground between her and the Bird Brain, reaching far from side to side. Bird Brain came to a skidding halt, kicking up heaps of sand.

...Damn. That was probably a grievous miscalculation on the Wicked Witch’s side!
"Go for it!" I shouted, "Reach right through that fire now! Skewer that bitch into shishkebab!"
That probably wouldn’t even be hard, at least if that stick was half as good against magic stuff as Bird Brain pretended it to be. She’d actually have a chance to completely turn the match around on the Wicked Witch’s stupid, punchable face.

Any second now.
…She froze up, trembling like a leaf. Instead of committing to the attack, she backed away.
I guess I wouldn't wanna get close to those flames either. I mean, I could feel the heat from way over the ledge. But come on! If she didn't act soon then...

The Witch ushered the flame wall away with a gentle flick of her wrist. It began to move. Slowly, at first, but quickly picked up speed. Bird Brain turned on her heels, scrammed away as fast as she could… But with the lance in her hands of course. She fled across the Arena with lungs heaving, peering over her shoulder to see the wall of fire gaining on her slowly but surely.

She tripped over sand, rolling on to her back just in time to see the fire engulf her.
“AIIIEEEEEEH!” The steamroller of searing flames barrelled over her. She cowered in fetal position, shielding herself with her arms and legs.

“UAUUAAAAAAAHHH!!!”
Nothing was there to shield her arms and legs in turn though. Her skin from top to toe was scorched into a sweltering red, the occasional crater of crisp white leather marking itself like fractured glass. She spasmed on the ground, rolling around the sand in agony, kicking and screaming bloody ****. In an act of pure desperation she sucked and licked her arms in an effort to find any kind of respite.

“Tsk… What an abject disappointment. Although, I suppose it makes sense for someone of your ilk to suffer from learning disability.” The Wicked Witch sashayed towards the smoldering, writhing pile that was left of the Bird Brain, ”So, I am going to explain in simple and clear terms what’s going to happen next. Pay attention now, Sweetheart. That Holy Lance of yours would make a terrific souvenir for this exhibition. All right? I mean, really, Sweetheart. Such an artifact clearly is too precious for you, or whoever thought lending it out to you was a good idea. So, you will now surrender to me like a good little Sweetheart. And then you will hand it over to your new mistress. Along with the rest of your possessions. Did you get all of that?”

The burned and wounded Bird Brain couldn’t even manage to scarper to her feet, yet the contempt glowing in her eyes when looking up at the Wicked Witch could not be mistaken.
“No…” She whimpered between raspy breaths.

“NO!!!”

The Goldfish Knight shouted. His fists hammered against the barrier once more.

“YOUL EAVET HATL! ANCEB EIW IL-LKIL LYOU!”

Great... I think his brain had fried.

“Oh, I’m ever so happy that was your answer.” With a quick flick of her wrist, the tip of the wand of the Wicked Witch of Miracles ignited with an angrily white-hot glow, which she aimed at Bird Brain's brain-cask, "I was worried I wouldn't get to **** anyone at all during this exhibition. Oh, but I do suppose I could always **** you as much as I want once you submit to your mistress, but ah, that just wouldn't be the same."
"...I-I will never yield to you." Bird Brain said defiantly, gasping for breath. Parts of her body had bloated into sickly blisters between patches of scorched flesh.
"Oh, but I'm sure you will, Sweetheart. Maybe not now. Maybe not in twenty minutes. But we still have another fifty minutes all to ourselves. Had you even realised only ten minutes have passed? Did you even consider how long it took me to reduce you to a heap of charred bones and flesh, before mouthing back? But that is precisely what makes you such a Sweetheart. Don't you worry though. There are still so many more things I could do to change your mind."

...All right, so remember when I said there are no good or bad outcomes?
In this case it might actually lean more towards a bad outcome than good.
Yeah... Gotta be honest, this is getting pathetic. My little scheme have backfired somewhat. And Sanakia ended up taking the brunt of that.
Don't worry though. This is not actually nearly as bad as it looks. Remember, all her physical injuries are recovered immediately, once the match ends.
Even if she did end up a ****, I'd have a chance to get her back in the Finals. Sure, I hadn't quite made it to the finals yet, but keep in mind that Goldfish Knight also got a chance to get her back.
...On second thought, maybe it'd be best if I got Sanakia back before her Lord got a chance to get his hands on her.
The difficult part would come after all of that though. I mean, look at her! After all of what she'd endured, and what she can look forward to, how are you supposed come back after that?

That moment sucked.
Can you believe the crowd actually cheered when that happened? Did they even realise what was going on? There's something awfully wrong with this world, I'll tell you!
Of course, I was still gonna keep watching with them. But still!

Sanakia could only whimper at the encroaching torturer. No way anyone as charred and burned as her could feel anything but suffering at that point. Of course, that didn't mean any attempt to stand up would amount to anything but an exercise in **** in itself. She could merely writhe on the ground as the Wicked Wicked Witch's shadow fell on her.
She frantically looked around, seeing nothing but people calling for her demise and submission. She eyed the Goldfish Knight, finding someone condemnin her with righteous fury .
She looked towards me, and... Kinda looked away then.
Hey! I was surprised too!

Sanakia burst into tears, before the Witch had even touched her.
And who could blame her?
Imagine living your whole life chasing one thing, and then you find out that thing was a lie. Turns out you are no one. You belong nowhere. And you can never again return to the lie that gave you comfort.
Your whole world comes crashing down, and all of a sudden you're left with nothing but all these emotions swarming and crashing in your brain.

Anger.
Fear.
Disappointment.
Humiliation
Frustration.
Hate.
Regret.
Vulnerability
Inadequacy.

All these things could be seen in Sanakia's eyes clear as crystal.
Deep raspy whimpers escaped between gritted teeth. Her grip on the Holy Lance tightening. At that point it had assumed a curious luster about it.
She moved in defiance of the pain, rising to her feet. She raised the Holy Lance above her head, pointing it towards the sky. Sanakia opened her mouth:

"AAAAAAAUUUUUAAAAARRGGGGGG!!!!"

The Wicked Witch stopped in her tracks, the light on her wand extinguishing. She stepped away from Sanakia.
The Lance became shiney. Stupid shiney. I couldn't even look at it directly.

A golden ring of light surrounded the Sexy Knight, vast enough to cloud the Arena. The spear itself turned into a white silhouette of itself. Impulses of blindingly white light flashed off in regular intervals.
All the meanwhile, Sanakia's primal roar persisted.

Waves of dulled murmur swept through the crowd of mixed worry and anticipation. The Goldfish Knight took a step backwards. I stepped forward.
"See? What did I tell you?" I glued myself to the barrier with an excited chuckle, "She'll be all right!"
As the light from the halo grew brighter, it consumed Sanakia in its brilliance. Her features blended with the golden radiance as they basked in it.

Sanakia's body burned in the glow. Wave after wave of light as bright as the sun shone from the spot on which she stood, like a blinking lighthouse. At that point I had difficulty making out exactly what was going on. When the light is too bright, the barrier resists it. The hexagonal grid of ethereal energy, otherwise hidden from the naked eye, ignited every time the waves of light struck against it.
But I could tell that the white shimmering of the lance had joined with the one holding it. That form, of a lone knight holding a great lance, turned increasingly fluid. The line between weapon and wielder blurred.

Sanakia's screaming came to an abrupt end.

The light dimmed. The halo vanished.
The stadium fell silent. As if all air in the stadium had suddenly disappeared.
The Wicked Witch of Miracles stared at the miracle before her in a stupor. Her wand slipped between fingers from her relaxed grip, falling to the sand.

No longer did a woman with a golden lance stand before her. The woman and the gold had become one.

Any trace of wounds had vanished.
Any trace of the emotions she so passionately displayed a moment ago had vanished too.
All that remained was a masked golden warrior, her body entwined with cables of shimmering gold, the one eye not concealed by her golden mask trailing towards the Witch to stare at her with muted bloodlust.

So, guys? You wonder why I keep orchestrating these random shit-shows?
This.
This is the reason I keep orchestrating these random shit-shows.