DOOMED, by Zeebop

Susan Storm is Doomed...She Just Doesn't Know It Yet

“Susan Storm. SUSAN STORM! SUSAAAAN STOOOOORM!”

“Gina please. This has nothing to do with us, it just so happens that there is a Superhero by that name.”

“Yeah, right, at least she’s doomed. I like that part.”

“Indeed the premise of DOOMED, by Zeebop is just that.”

“Wait dickgirl guy wrote that?”

“Indeed.”

“Isn’t he busy with Lois Lane?”

“As a matter of fact, he recently finished Lois Lane. And after spending seven years writing over 7000 chapters for it, the only reasonable path forward was to do it all again.”

“What a nerd.”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

“The premise of the story is that Doctor Doom invited a various assortment of villains to come up with a plan to doom Susan. We can now pick a villain to follow. Evildoers like Mysterio, Mr. Mxyzptlk or Porkum.”

“Marcie?”

“Yes, Gina?”

“These names mean fuck all to me.”

“Yes, Zeebop really scraped the bottom of the Superhero Pantheon barrel here. You won’t find a Penguin or Lex Luthor here.”

“Who?”

“Anyways, it is a shame King Shark is perhaps even too obscure for Zeebop, eh Gina?”

“Whatever. I can’t even tell which of those are female.”

“Well, you can make an educated guess.”

“Grrr...alright lets go with...Ruby Thursday then.”

“Oh?”

“That sounds pretty female to me. What kinda guy calls himself Ruby?”

“Alright.”

The majority of the villains that Doctor Doom had called were men. The few women who had answered his invitation were exceptional, both in their abilities and their interests. While the male villains leered and jested, the women were more focused. One of them, in particular, caught Doom's eye. A female scientist of no mean achievements, and unusual courage to follow her dark research to their natural conclusion, regardless of the consequences and heedless of the opinion of common humanity.

“Yes, score!”

“Good for you, Gina.”

Ruby Thursday had replaced her own head with an organic computer. Her features utterly obliterated, vanity vanquished in the pursuit of proving her theories correct and her technology viable. A sacrifice that Doom could appreciate.

“WHAT THE FUCK!”

“Whelp.”

“Ok this is some decapitation shit going on. They are planning to behead Susan but keep her head alive and…”

“Gina?”

“W-what! It’s not like I like the idea or anything! Beheading isn’t sexy!”

“Which is good, because it appears Zeebop has not updated this branch.”

“WHAT!”

“Good for you, Gina. Now we do not have to follow this branch.”

“Y-Yes. Great. Only freaks would enjoy that one.”

“Should I pick the next branch?”

“NO!”

“Alright, alright.”

“I choose Moonstone.”

“You really have a thing for gems this time, Gina.”

“Shut up, let’s get to it.”

Confidently, one of the few women among the crowd of villains stepped forward. Her form-fitting costume was of gold and white, her blonde hair hung down to mid-back, but it was the alien energies that permeated her nervous system which caught Doctor Doom's attention. Automatically, his armor cross-referenced the energy signatures with various Kree technologies, and more obscure, arcane connections...but for all that she was a being of power to rival Ms. Marvel, Doom knew that Karla Sofen, known as Moonstone, was not primarily a threat because of her superhuman strength or ability to fly.

“Ok, that sounds good, no giant gem as a head so far.”

“Moonstone’s plan is to hypnotize Susan. A fairly generic mind control plot as it happens.”

“And we have a bunch of choices already! Fucking hell, dickgirl guy why couldn’t we had this with the beheading girl?”

“I thought you didn’t like that one?”

“Shut up...umm...let’s go with she’s already hypnotized. That’s sounds the most fun.”

“Very well. Hmm...there are quite a few choices here again. How about the bladder loss.”

“For fucks sake, Marcie!”

“Gina, please. We both know you would like to do this to Susan.”

“Whatever, it stops after one chapter anyways.”

“Pity…”

“Nobody’s into your degenerate shit, Marcie.”

“There is an official Harley Quinn scratch and sniff fart comic set to release next year, Gina. There is clearly a market for this.”

“I wish I could die without having gained that knowledge.”

“That said, the others paths are not getting much further either. Getting up to ten chapters like this will prove a challenge.”

When the Fantastic Four did finally arrive home that night, it was splattered with an unmentionable goo. The Mole Man had decided to come back to find some missing Moloids from last week, and had brought slime monsters. Slime monsters!

“Slime Monsters!”

“Unfortunately for Gina, we do not have time for slime monsters.”

Reed, for his part, looked even more worn out than his wife. His body sagged in odd places as he let his control of her elasticity lapse. In other circumstances, it would have been funny. Only Sue ever got to see him like that, his skinny, gaunt frame exaggerated as gravity caused rubbery muscles to hang in folds and flaps, his testes like a pair of golf-balls down between his knees. Yet as he slid gratefully into bed, Sue slipped into the bathroom.

“FOR FUCKS SAKE DICKGIRL-GUY! WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND YOUR OBSESSION OF COMPARING TESTICLES TO VARIOUS NON TESTICLE RELATED ITEMS!"

“Well, fortunately for you, this branch is another dead end.”

“UGH…”

“Maybe we need to backtrack further?”

“UUUUUGGGGHHH!!!!”

“It might be a bit boring but let us take the first option of this branch were Susan allows herself to get hypnotized.”

“That’s all the way back to chapter 2!”

“This time we get to choose for which person Susan fantasizes.”

“Again, these names mean fuck all to me.”

“Want me to pick?”

“NO! Let’s go with...uh Mary.”

“Very well.”

“Ok, so Susan’s loser nerd of a husband is apparently gay for Spiderman. What the hell is this? This sounds like some trash fanfiction some virgin would write!”

“I mean…”

“Point taken. Anyways, after a whole lot of nothing, Susan’s loser nerd of a husband goes to couple’s therapy with Susan and Ruby convinces her to roleplay as Spiderman’s girlfriend or some stupid nerd shit like that.”

“And that branch actually reaches ten chapters, which means we are done.”

“Good.”

“Your verdict, Gina?”

“It was less disgusting then the Lois Lane story.”

“Oh?”

“Had to be the suspicious absence of dickgirls.”

“Hmm, perhaps. I for one am sorely disappointed that the incontinence branch did not get continued.”

“Of course you do.”

“But I think it is a fun setup. Lois Lane felt a bit restrictive at times.”

“Which didn’t stop dickgirl guy from writing thousands of chapters for it.”

“Yes, but since the setup of the story was always the same, Lois going to a nightclub, things felt a bit stale. Starting with numerous different villains, all with their own doom-plot should allow for much greater variety.”

“Bah. For now all dickgirl-guy did with it was some basic hypnosis shit.”

“If I had to offer some criticism, it was a bit difficult for a newcomer to guess what sort of doom was in store for Susan based on the villain name along.”

“Marcie, this shit is read only by loser nerds. They know these characters.”

“Perhaps, still a few tags in the chapter title would not have gone amiss.”

“Wanna know what did go amiss? The doom. I was promised doom Marcie. There was no doom so far.”

“Well, it’s a work in progress. I’m sure there will be plenty of doom later once Zeebop has spend the next seven years writing for it.”

“Speaking of wasting way too many years on stupid shit. That’s another year done on these loser porn stories.”

“Indeed. 2025 is just around the corner. Do you have any new years resolutions, Gina?”

“I plan to read less trash.”

“That I fear is a resolution that will fall apart in January already.”