Cunning Linguist, by walrusdick

Our main character has learned of a special technique that only he can use to control and enthrall the women in his life.

“Bleeeeeeeeeeeehhhh.”

“Gina.”

“Bleeeeeeehhhhh!”

“Gina!”

“I said bleeeeeehhhhhhh!!!”

“Come on, it can hardly be that bad.”

“Not that bad? Have you looked at this fucking abdulalhazreds username, Marcie?”

“But the tag line promises that this will be a mind control story. With a twist.”

“This story not being trash would be one hell of a twist.”

“Perhaps you will be surprised, Gina. Cunning Linguist, by Walrusdick has garnered over a thousand likes in under two months. Very impressive for a new author.”

“I don’t care. This guy lost the moment he picked his username. He can change it, but I don’t care. His animal member legacy will now be ingrained here. FOREVER!”

“...I think we should just start.”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

Well, as with every story, it's best to start at the beginning. I don't know how else I would explain how I came to be in the position I am in today without you knowing a few things about me. I am warning you. I might seem like a decent person, possibly even remorseful, but the fact that I am still living this life and enjoying the "rewards" of my gift means that I am anything but.

“Don’t worry about that, pal. I hate you already. The question is just how high on the scumbag rating you end up on.”

“This time our protagonist is named Matt Cole, huh, I wonder if he is a House of the Dragon fan.”

“There better not be any **** in this!”

“Hm...there is a character sheet with pictures. I see no harm in looking...OH MY GOODNESS THIS IS AWFUL!”

“Thanks author, if your name didn’t ruin any chance of me masturbating to this, then these nightmare fuel inducing pictures certainly will.”

“I was more referring to the fact that these pictures aren’t centered properly.”

“What?”

“By right clicking on the picture and then choosing the right most option you can choose to center the image so it appears properly in the middle of the screen. Allow me to demonstrate. This is uncentered.”

“And this is centered.”

“As you can see, there is quite a difference. You can achieve that by right clicking the image and then choosing the right most option.”

“Marcie?”

“Yes, Gina?”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I do not know what you mean. However, I believe we diverted enough, Gina the story please.”

“Ok, so this your average generic loser nerd, except this nerd somehow managed to get married, which normally would put him at the very top of the loser nerds, unfortunately he also has a crippled tongue or some shit.”

“Yes we are having another protagonist with a physical disability. Do not get too excited however. This is no King Edward.”

While getting ready to switch from her clit to her vagina, I had one of my tongue spasms, causing my tongue to invert itself into an upside-down 3-leaf clover, trapping her clit while pushing her clitoral hood away in a move I can only describe as when the dinosaur from the first Jurassic Park spread its neck fan before killing Newman.

“What the fuck?”

“I say. First it was a Dilophosaurus who killed Dennis Nedry-not Newman. Second, it stretches my sense of disbelief that any nerd has such an paltry grasp on pop culture knowledge to not know this."

“Marcie...no, fuck this. Cripple tongue finds some ancient magic book and used it to accidentally enslave his...didn’t we read this shit already, Marcie?”

“I think you are referring “Strange Magic” and while there are certain similarities. This is a different story.”

“Yeah sure, but it’s the same shit about a **** guy who doesn’t really want to do this but just ends up accidentally enslaving and fucking all these women! Whoopsie!”

“Well, it is not exactly a novel idea, Gina. Mind control stories like this are a dime a dozen.”

“Ok, then were the fuck is that fucking twist this Sealcock promised?”

“Oh, but there is a twist, Gina.”

“…”

“A tongue twister!”

“Marcie, this is your last warning. Stop or I use my taser.”

“Fine, we continue the story. With his new tongue related power, Cole, sets out to sample more women.”

We finished our breakfast, and Jen had a date with her other work friend Alison,

“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!”

“Gina…”

“We just escaped from her! Fuck! Why is she here?”

“It is a common name, Gina. And spelled differently.”

Her husband had passed away three years ago, but she still struggled with feelings of survivors guilt and her loss of him.

“Are you sure about that, Marcie? Because that sure fucking sounds like Allison to me! What’s next, is there a fucking cult in this too?”

“Gina, please focus.”

“Ugh...so from here it’s basically just this dweeb fucking and enslaving other women with his hypno tongue and shit. It’s not even that bad, just really fucking boring!”

“Hm..it is a bit...meandering perhaps?”

“No, Marcie I said fucking boring!”

“It misses a certain amount of spice, I think. All the girls he wants are subdued easily enough and once they are, they turn into your typical adoring slaves who worship the ground our protagonist walks on. Speaking off, Cole is not exactly mister personality either. He is your typical nice guy with a whipping fetish big enough that even unkown would be satisfied, but that is about it.”

“Now, we’re talking! Keep going!”

“See, I firmly believe you need a villain in your story, be it the protagonist or the bitchy boss/cheerleader/mean girl that is in need to be taken down a notch. You can also have some sort of higher power villain that forces his hand. I mean say what you want about Sins of the Father…”

“Why the fuck did you bring up this abomination?”

“But as horrific as it was, it was not boring.”

“Alright, were are we now? Fuck, this shit is so tedious I didn’t even complain about the fucking ****! Because yes, of course there’s fucking **** in this.”

“To be fair, Cole only enslaves the mother of his wive, so at most this is **** by proxy.”

“Uhu, how many chapter’s left, Marcie?”

“We are at chapter 21 of 49.”

“Fuuuuuuuck! You pay for this whalepenis!”

Miniwand a month ago

How come they don't have each other's phone numbers? They have known each other for years

“Look Marcie, the readers are already doing the job for us! Can’t we stop here?”

“No, Gina. Our protagonist requires a harem of eight woman in order to gain unlimited power. Thus, next on the list is his crush from high school.”

"Oh, really, Ash? I thought you were more interested in Jamie Tattleman..." I knew for a fact that he was the guy she dated after me, an upper-classman who convinced her to blow him after she would barely hold hands with me when we were together. He was a pot smoking skateboarding loser who barely made it through school, but he was 'like so gorgeous and deep' when they were alone. These thoughts started to sour me, but Ashley leaned into me.

“Fucking hell, you can REEK the nice guy exuding from this bitch.”

“Do you want to elaborate, Gina?”

“If I have to. Everyone is sucking this guy’s dick, literally. But Cole is so awesome and super nice. Sure, he enslaves and whips girls, but he treats them nice. Isn’t he just such a nice guy?”

“Alright chapter 30 and there is a slight increase in action. A police woman attempted to kill Cole and is subsequently enslaved.”

“Wow, your standards are low as fuck, Marcie.”

“I mean, it is better then nothing. The cult stuff is at least mildly interesting.”

“So, there are these cultist from Belarus who want to kill Cole, but these bitches are kinda pathetic so they failed and kidnap Cole instead, even though Cole is supposed to be Superman or something.”

“To be fair, this was all part of his plan.”

but did I really think there was some giant goat devil in hell or another dimension that was legitimately going to possess my body and start armageddon? ...did you? No, I guess I thought that was a bridge too far.

“Oh, stop your smug attitude, penguinprick, we literally reviewed the exact fucking plot last week. You’re not special!”

“Gina, you know, I love nothing more then accuse others of plagiarisation. Unfortunately, in this instance I can not.”

“Why not, Marcie?”

“Nobody besides us has ever read “You are a reader”

“Fair point. Cole ends up in the cultists evil church or something and gets to **** some women. He doesn’t want to of course, but reasons that if he doesn’t **** them they get punished by the evil cultists. So, **** it is.”

I started to melt under their menstruation

“That is the most horrifying sentence I ever read since we started this whole series.”

“I think he meant ministration, Gina. Hopefully.”

“Anyway, evil cultists brings some goat monster into our world, which is their god or something. At this point this feels more like an engin story. We even got some goat gore.”

“Fortunately, Cole saves the day by ripping out a pillar and chucking it at the goat monster, sending it back into his own dimension.”

“And he even ended up saving the fucking goat the cultists used as a sacrifice!”

“I think what you meant to say Gina was that the Goat...saved the goat!”

*sfx of Gina using her stungun.*

“Hey! Quit trying to electrocute me outside the bedroom!”

“I warned you!”

“We are almost done, Gina. Just keep it together.”

Mattie don't you know that you are cool as fuck on the inside!

“This is the final fucking line as of now. It’s the tag line, at the very end, so no idea who said that, Probably icebearschlong who want to get in on all the dick sucking.”

“I believe it is from a song. The author quoted a lot of songs in the tag lines. His taste in music is...adequate."

“Uhu, riveting.”

“Whelp, the start was rather rough, but I do think once the cult stuff started picking up steam it ended up quite enjoyable.”

“Thanks, I hated it.”

“You say this, Gina, but your reactions were fairly muted this time around. You only tried to kill me once.”

“Marcie, just because I don’t think this is the worst abomination ever created doesn’t mean I don’t fucking despise it.”

“Hm yes, it is undeniable that the story suffers from rather big pacing issues for about the first two thirds of it. I believe it would have helped if the cult made their presence known a bit earlier. That would also have given a somewhat more reasonable justification to the whole **** harem thing as his live literally depends on it.”

“Eh, doesn’t save Cole from being such a square, though.”

“Yes, Cole and unfortunately also the girls do not have that much going on personality wise. Certainly not after Cole enslaves them."

“The constant dick riding got old really fast.”

“But that is a common issue with these type of mind control stories. In general I dislike the “they are helplessly in love with the protagonist” shtick, quite a lot go for. All it usually accomplishes is that the women lose their individuality.”

“And I’m losing my sanity if I don’t end this bitch in the next two sentences.”

“Yes, I suppose with this, we can bring this review to a close. Would you care to finish us off, Gina?”

“Sure thing, Marcie.”

BZZZZZZTTTT!!!!!!!

“NOT LIKE THIS!”