Countess Zoe of the County of Undrek (updated 5/9/20), by fyreant

“Oh good! Now we know from the title that this story was abandoned! Good job, author!”

“Well Gina, maybe the story is finished?”

“No story ever gets finished on this shitty site.”

“Anyways, we are reading another fantasy today.”

“Ugghhhh! Can’t these nerds write anything else? It’s always fantasy this, fantasy that.”

“But this one is a bit more special, Gina. For you see Countess Zoe of the County of Undrek (updated 5/9/20) is a branch in the story A Fantasy Dynasty”

“That means nothing to me, Marcie.”

“It is the same story as King Edward.”

“...who?”

“The one with the Sharkman.”

“Oh! That one. Yeah right, cripple prince and all that. What ever happened to it?”

“It appears that since we last covered it about a year ago, Alexandra has written a grand total of two chapters.”

“Wow, talk about lazy.”

“Very concerning. George R.R. Martin has truly set a dangerous precedent.”

“Aright, let’s get into it. I can’t wait for this to suddenly end on a complete anticlimatic note!”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

In theory, the Orban family that currently rules Undrek

“That is uh quite the name to choose for your family. I wonder if the author wanted to make a political statement with it.”

“Eh, this is the story of a corrupt and evil countess who ineptly rules a city full a witches, whores and the undeath.”

“Definitely a political statement. Well then, this tale starts out like every good fantasy with a multiple chapter long infodump.”

“Here’s some free advice: If you want me to give a shit about your story, don’t start with a boring meeting. King Edward had sex by chapter one. In fact the very first line is Edward banging someone.”

“If I recall correctly, you hated the massive amount of sex.”

“I’m speaking in principles!”

“Hmm, perhaps the introductory chapters are done a bit clumsily.”

“They are way too long. The only important characters in here are Zoe and Marzena anyway. First one is Count Cunt while the later is a powerful magician who is also probably clinically insane.”

He cut you off. "I shall speak plain, Countess. A sorceress in league with the darkest of demons committed an unforgivable crime against my wife, Countess Marissa. Once I discovered who was responsible for my wife's peril and near-, the evil woman, who had taken the guise of a chambermaid at my castle, fled."

“I have to admit, the way the different branches intertween is rather nifty. Especially impressive since this is written by different authors.”

“So this Lamar Loon wants Zoe to hand over a witch. Zoe decides to first fuck his knights(literally) and then fuck the count(figuratively)”

“Zoe blackmails the count, but way overplays her hand. When you someone you want to use a mixture of hard and soft power to achieve your aim. Push too hard and your target might just go for mutual assured destruction.”

“Speaking from experience?”

“Gina, please. That much should be common knowledge. Anyways, Zoe makes the wise decision that gangbanging the good count might be a touch too far and the whole thing ends up working out. At least I assume it does because we don’t follow up on that particular plotline.”

“Next up on the agenda, Zoe needs to appease a girl who comes to Undrek to free her friend from prostitution. Bit of a downgrade from blackmailing a Count, but ok.”

“I feel like we have missed to explain the general premise of the story, Gina.”

“Well, our readers can suck it up, if I have to read the shitty infodump chapter they can do it too!”

“In that case allow me to at least update the map.”

“Try to not accidentally upload porn again.”

“Alexandra didn’t really bother filling out Itheria, so there was a lot of white space to fill. I like filling white space.”

“Ok, feels to me like you just crammed a bunch of names in the bottom.”

“Unfortunately, fyreant didn’t deem it necessary to actually give proper directions to where these places are. Hence, this is just an approximation. The story does take place in the south of Itheria, so I do believe it is reasonable accurate.”

“Very interesting...can we get the fuck on with it?”

Granted, she wasn't of great importance in and of herself... but she was pretty, and had a forceful personality. She could make a lot of trouble for you if she really wanted, and it was likely she'd marry up rather than down. A Duke or a foreign prince was an enemy you could do without.

“That strikes me as hilariously paranoid.”

“Especially since Zoe is fucking amazing at making enemies. She really doesn’t have the time to placate a random broad.”

“I have to give the author some credit though. This is in line with Zoe’s character. She manages to be both cunning and incompetent.”

“Zoe reminds me of Madeleine. In fact the two are so similar that I feel this is a blatant rip off.”

“Actually, this was written first, Gina.”

“Oh, for fucks sake, Alexandra!”

“Back to the story. Zoe attempts to hustle Irene, which backfires spectacularly and forces the girl in question to change her career from whore to soldier.”

“And they need the soldiers. A neighboring Lord is trying to invade the county. Zoe decides to met him in open battle. They have three times their number, a group of mages, archers and the enemy is fighting naked. That should not be possible to screw up.”

“But screw up they did. Zoe and the rest of her spunky band get captured by what is at most the enemy vanguard.”

“Cue .”

“Zoe seems to be in mortal danger before she can bring out her A game. Despite being a captive at the mercy of a band of brutes, she manages to manipulate them into doing her bidding”

“Eh, it was mostly Marzena stealing the leaders heart.”

“Gina is not being poetic here. Marzena literally carries the poor fellows heart inside her floppy hat.”

“Witches are scary. And gross.”

“As such Zoe manages to steer the group back towards Undrek. But even with de facto controlling the leader, they still have to keep up appearances.”

“Cue more .”

“I have to say though, that scene was rather cute.”

“Marcie.”

“What?”

“Do you even consider the words that come out of your mouth?”

“Look, I’m not saying is cute. It is a very serious crime.”

“Uhu.”

“But that doesn’t mean the way the girls act can’t be cute.”

“I don’t think I can properly articulate my feelings right now.”

“Rima was very cute! Come on, admit it!

“She was terrified that she gets a baby!”

“Ehem, technically...this scene was more in dubcon territory anyway. To be sure, the girls hate it, but they did draw the short straw, once again literally.”

“Still don’t get what’s so cute about a bunch of smelly brutes assaulting girls.”

“Ah, speaking of it.”

“What?”

“There was one scene I didn’t like.”

“Just one?”

“Indeed, it was when uh, I think it was Ross? When Ross got to Marzena and the sorceress almost started to cry.”

“Yeah, I guess that was pretty horrifying.”

“My issue with it is, that up until now Marzena was portrayed as somebody who takes nothing serious. Now, I get that this could have been intended as a “oh snap, this is serious” moment. You know what I mean?”

“Yes, but you are going to continue anyways.”

“But the problem is, that Marzena immediately bounces back to her old self. I feel like it compromises her character a bit.”

“I guess? Marzena is too crazy for me anyways.”

“Allow me to elaborate.”

“Oh, fuck me.”

“I am not against a “oh snap, this is serious” moment. But you can only bring them out once. At least to their full effect. While this was no doubt a very serious moment, after the initial capture the whole atmosphere was rather lighthearted. In general, this is a very lighthearted story, so I couldn’t help to feel a certain disconnect.”

“Can we please just move on?”

“I suppose fyreant intended it to give Marzena some more depth? Which would usually be commendable but in this instance I have to call it misguided.”

“Marcie, for fucks sake!”

“Oh, very well. Let us continue with the plot.”

“The group finally arrives back at Undrek but someone has already taken the city. Not the invading army but one of Zoe’s vassals. Because everyone hates Zoe.”

“Which results in a pretty complicated stand off between people who are absolutely incapable of compromise. It is quite glorious.”

“You know what would be even more glorious? If the story didn’t just fucking stop there!”

“My Gina, did you actually want to read more?”

“I mean! This shit was just about to tease some lesbian action! Author, you fuck!”

“Well, we could always continue with the other branch, if you are that excited about it.”

“Woah, I don’t care that much, Marcie.”

“But it appears that despite your constant complaining you did at least enjoy it a little.”

“It’s just fucking very rare to get a fantasy story with a female protagonist. And Zoe is at the very least entertaining.”

“I called Edward a bit of a bumbling fool and that is true here as well. Having an evil protagonist isn’t easy to pull of. Most fall into the cowardly schemer category, which I just don’t think is terribly exciting.”

“Like Marcie.”

“And of course Zoe does scheme, but her schemes tend to backfire. Zoe is the underdog here, she has no magical powers and her grasp at power is very tenuous. It makes for a fun protagonist."

“Kinda crazy how rare a fucking compelling protagonist is.”

“And while Zoe is evil, it’s the type of evil I can get behind. She never does anything truly heinous.”

“She gets people killed and gangbanged in a foolish military adventure.”

“Can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs.”

“Alright, alright, but I still didn’t masturbate to the fucking scenes.”

“Yes, me neither, even though I really like Bonefire of the witches. Shame we didn’t get to the actual lesbian stuff.”

“Hmph, maybe we will be nice and do a follow up. Only to get disappointed again.”

“Well then, only one question remaining. Did you like this or King Edward more?”

“Hmm...this one had a female protagonist but King Edward had Sharkman. They are also both written by females.”

“That should not be a deciding element.”

“Both stories are pretty much fucking abandoned and feature little to no lesbian content. Hence I didn’t get to get off to either of them. Fuck me, this shit is hard!”

“I think Alexandra did a better job at world building while fyreant produced a tighter narrative. I have a hard time deciding which protagonist is better. There is more humor to Zoe while Edward is a bit more tragic. Both approaches work well. It is a bit anticlimatic but I suppose we can call it a draw?”

“Both are equally shit. Good job, you two! How about you have a mud wrestling match to decide who’s more incompetent?”

“Gina please. What did I tell you about sexualizing the authors?”

“That I don’t do it often enough?”

“Well, this has already gone on for long enough. Good night, everyone.”

“Cheers.”