Caitlin Barnes: 8.0 out of 10, a 31 year-old History professor

The next day I feel great. I smile at everyone and they smile back. Even my professors seem more impressed by my answers. It's like everything is just a little easier when you've gotten laid.

I get to my last class a little early, so while I'm waiting I decide to check in on Binita. I text her, “Hey, what are you doing right now?”

She sends back, “at gym. doing squats”.

Good girl! I get an idea and decide to test the limits of the app. “Is there a hot girl who you haven't made any progress with?” She told me she's made some friends at the gym, but just in case this fails horribly, I don't want to mess things up with them.

It takes a couple minutes for her to respond, but I figure she must be between sets. “yes, redhead who never talks to anyone”.

Perfect. “Ask to borrow her phone for an emergency. Download Ultimate Dating App on it, take a pic of her and make a profile, then tell me.”

While I'm waiting for a response, I go through all the girls who have recently joined the app. There are barely any, so I up the age range in my profile. Maybe I can snag a hot cougar. Most aren't bad, but there aren't a lot of 9s or 10s, so I don't swipe right often.

Then I see a profile pic that melts my brain, but not for the reason you'd expect. It's not that it's super sexy, it's that it is Prof. Barnes! I look up and see her walking into the lecture hall, then do a double take of the profile picture. She's looks exactly the same now as she does in the picture. Same wireframe glasses, same brown jacket and even browner blouse, same hair in a bun. It's like she took this picture in her office two minutes before she came to class.

Like a lightning bolt, I suddenly realize why there are so few women on this app. Binita said I was the first guy she accepted. As soon as women swipe right on one guy, they're caught, done, almost certainly removed from the available options. You either get a girl quick, or she's gone.

I get a message from Binita. “okay, took pic of her without her noticing, but she's glancing at me like she wants phone back”.

I quickly swipe right on Prof. Barnes, and the very next profile pic is of a redhead on a treadmill who clearly doesn't know she's being photographed from behind. I swipe right, then send a message to Binita saying, “She should have my match now. Swipe right on it.”

Ten seconds later Binita sends back a message saying, “got error message, then app deleted itself”.

Crap. That didn't work. I guess they have to swipe right on you themselves. Is that how magic works? For all I know, this is all bullshit. Binita could just be a submissive slut who is playing a game with me, and the garbage about the app deleting itself was just an excuse for it not working. Whatever. I message back that she should give the phone back.

Then I look down at the stage and see Prof. Barnes is on her phone. She's swiping left over and over. Is she using a dating app right now? A student walks up to her and asks something, but it's too far away to hear. However, I see that she absentmindedly swipes right as she turns towards him.

Ding!

I've got a new notification from the app.

“You captured Caitlin! She is now yours to do with as you please!”

Unholy fuck! Did Prof. Barnes just accidentally match me? I look back down at the stage. She smiles at the student as she finishes answering his question. She turns to her phone, and I can't hear what she says, but I'm pretty sure she mouths the word 'fuck'. Then she taps at her phone for a moment, maybe trying to find some kind of undo button.

I get another message from the app.

“You have captured your second girl! That makes you a tier two user! Please pick one (1) of the following member perks.

A) Profile upgrade: We work on your profile and make sure you're putting your best foot forward. Guaranteed to improve your odds with the ladies.

B) Second Chance: Reswipe girls you've seen before whether you turned them down or they turned you down. They won't remember turning you down, so you might get lucky the second time.

C) Unawareness: Toggle whether girls you match realize that they're **** to follow your orders. Girls with this toggle will rationalize any orders you give them. This cannot be turned back on once you turn it off for a girl."

Holy crap, this really is a pokemon style game! I fucking leveled up! Now I just need to pick one of these traits.

Vote for your pick in the comments. The losing perks will come up as options again later.