Breaking (Paige POV)

Paige laid in bed, staring at the wall. She was tired, but couldn't sleep any longer. She didn't want to move. Her body felt heavy. Her mind felt lethargic, slow almost. Her periodic anxiety attacks had slowed, for now. It was all she could do not to think about what had happened.

The screams of her loves still echoed inside her head. Mathias and Max, the two smirking faces, one completely carefree, the other, sadistic and cruel. The sound of the blade piercing Mia's fragile seeming body. The small sound Mia had made, gasping for air that could no longer fill her lungs.

And the lifeless fall of her body.

Paige shuddered again, her panic attacks threatening to return. She tried to turn her mind to other things. She had no idea how to deal with any of this. She'd never experienced anything close to this before. Nothing in her life or her training with her girlfriends had prepared her for this.

For most of her life, she'd been staying under the radar in the abyss. Lucky enough not to get kidnapped, she had lived in a fairly out of the way area and had really only gone out to see her friends in Newtown, a place which incidentally, lots of gangs avoided, despite its proximity to the city.

She'd never even been in a real fight. She'd trained with her powers, sure. She'd been in plenty of dungeons with her girlfriends, also true. But those dungeons had enemies that were fair and beatable. Enemies specifically made for them all to defeat, in dungeons that adjusted difficulty automatically.

Paige had never been outclassed so thoroughly. She didn't need Gemma's Observe spell to know how much more powerful Max and Mathias were than her. She could feel it in every fibre of her being. There was nothing she could do but pray to Gaia that things would be okay.

She'd never experienced an anxiety attack. She'd never experienced trauma either. She'd heard about those things from her friends and girlfriends. Her life had its ups and downs, but she considered herself incredibly lucky in the scheme of things.

She'd had loving upper middle class parents who had given her a happy and supportive childhood. She'd never gone hungry at home, and her family had never worried about money. She'd not had many friends, but that was never much of a problem for her. She was pretty happy to keep mostly to herself throughout school. Her two close friends, Samantha and Mohammed, had been enough.

She’d grown up, fell out of touch with her school friends, and made new ones instead. She’d taken on a job as a tattoo apprentice, and made friends with the people she was working with. She hadn’t made that much money, but living with her parents, she hadn’t needed to. And she had the added bonus of her new friends being abyssals, so on their days off, they would practice their magic. Mere parlour tricks compared to the power she was around these days.

She'd never had to deal with heartbreak or grief. She'd known she was a lesbian since she was very young. One of her first Google searches she could remember was 'Girls kissing'. She'd had crushes before, but never wanted to pursue them. Paige was always content with her life.

Then along came Gemma and Mia. A chance meeting, during one of her only trips outside of her regular destinations. And her life had gotten that much better. She was attracted to them both immediately. She'd talked to Mia, hung out with her more, and eventually, Mia had invited her to join their guild.

She’d met Ivy and Skylar, and had gotten closer with all four of them quickly. She fell for them quickly too. Some would say it was too quick. A silly decision by a u-haul lesbian. But Paige trusted them. She had a good feeling about them all, and her intuition had never been wrong before. So she let herself fall for all four of them, and it had been amazing.

They understood her, made her happy and feel comfortable to spend time with. She’d never been in a relationship before them, but she wanted this one to last, and she’d done everything she felt she needed to, to make sure that happened. And there hadn’t been any problems so far, so she felt she was doing pretty well.

But all it had taken was one night. One night of being shown how badly things could go wrong. One night that had shown her just how lucky she’d been most of her life, just how good she’d had it. One night that had completely shattered her sense of safety, and shown her just how powerless she was if the shit hit the fan.

One night that had broken her.

The door to the bedroom opened and Ivy and Gemma stepped inside. She’d normally have been happy to see them. Their beautiful faces were marred with concern for her. She couldn’t bring herself to feel much of anything right now.

They walked closer to her. Gemma knelt down in front of her, while Ivy sat on the bed beside her. “How are you feeling?” Gemma started.

“Fine.” Paige replied after a few seconds. They all knew that was a lie. But she hadn’t the energy to answer anything else.

“We’re worried about you love.” Ivy offered gently. The silence stretched on uncomfortably.

“Yeah.” Paige said. What else could she say? The silence stretched on more. She wanted to ask them to leave. She wanted to ask them to stay and never leave her side. She wasn’t sure which she wanted more. And she said nothing.

Gemma put her hand on Paige’s arm and looked her in the eyes. Paige looked back, her gaze empty. Gemma sighed. “Is there anything we can do to help?” She asked.

“No.” Paige said.

“Do you want us to leave you alone?” Gemma continued her questioning.

“Yes.” No.

“Okay. I love you.” Gemma said.

“I love you too.”

“Before we go, we do need your input on something.” Her guild leader stated. Paige shifted slightly in bed. More silence. It seemed as if neither of them were sure how to say what they wanted to. It was Ivy who broke the silence.

“Mathias called us. He wants us to go to him in 3 days. Elsa put us in time dilation, so we have 3 weeks instead. Should we fight him or stay here?” Ivy asked simply.

Paige could barely process what she was saying. “Don’t fight. Stay here.” She replied. She didn’t want to do anything except for stay here.

Ivy and Gemma exchanged a glance, before looking back to her. “Thank you for your input. I love you.” Gemma said.

“I love you.” Ivy echoed.

“I love you too.” Paige replied. They walked out of the room, closing the door behind them, whispering to each other. The terramancer didn’t know what they were saying, and she didn’t really care much.

It was only once they were gone that the full **** of their words hit her. Fight Mathias? In 3 weeks?? Her body started to tremble again, remembering the overwhelming power that she had felt last night. No. No they couldn’t. They couldn’t face him. They’d need years to get strong enough to face him. Tears welled up in her eyes, and her anxiety threatened to overtake her once again.

She pressed her face into the pillow, her shoulders shaking. She sobbed quietly, trying not to make a sound. She didn’t want anybody to know how broken she was. She didn’t want to be alone. She didn’t want to be seen. She didn’t want to face Mathias. She didn’t want her lovers and friends to fight him.

Thoughts started to run through her head, thoughts she’d never dreamt of having in her once peaceful life. She thought of leaving the guild. She wouldn’t have to fight anymore. She wouldn’t have to take on the responsibility of standing against that overwhelming strength and power.

She thought of her relationship with her girlfriends. She loved them. She couldn’t bare the thought of them dying to Mathias. She’d had no time at all to process anything. Mia was dead, then Mia was alive, and now Mathias was bearing down on them. What if she left her girlfriends? Cut ties with her lovers, her friends, her guild, her family? Then she wouldn’t have to experience this horrible, gut wrenching anxiety and grief.

What if she took it one step further? What if she ended it? Then she wouldn’t have to experience anything like this ever again. She could be free from this. She could be free from the guilt, and the anger, and the pain, and the grief, and the….the….

Her chest tightened. She clenched her fists so hard, her nails cut into her palms. Her heart pounded in her chest, and she heard a rushing noise in her ears. It was too much. It was all too much. She didn’t know what to do. She was horrified at her own mind, the thoughts consuming her.

But what could be done against such overwhelming power?

Paige hugged her pillow tightly, hoping that somehow, it would help her. She just needed to calm down. She just needed to…..well…..she didn’t know. All at once, her body relaxed, and she slumped over in the bed. She had nothing left to give right now. The last thing she remembered before passing out was calling out weakly for her loves. Nobody answered her cries.