You’re not sure what you were expecting the icon for the Quantum Sperm Probability Eraser to look like, but a cartoon sperm with a scared face, in front of a background that’s crumbling away, is so on the nose it feels like a parody.

Well, let’s see how the tool works, you think to yourself, and tap the icon.

A loading screen appears, and it is instantly obvious that the Quantum Sperm Probability Eraser is not, in fact, a tool.

It’s a game.

On the loading screen, there is a cartoon that is clearly you, in the art style of those deliberately misleading ads for shitty phone games that used to be everywhere. Cartoon You is naked and has a massive erection, and is clutching a giant eraser in one hand held high above his head. He’s standing on a clifftop in front of a night sky, except with sperm instead of stars; there’s also a full moon, which is clearly a tit.

The words “Thank you for purchasing the AD-FREE version of Quantum Sperm Probability Eraser!!! Registered to: Jacob Robertson Carter” appear on the screen, and then fade away. One by one the sperm-stars and tit-moon fade away too, and the clifftop, until all that’s left is Cartoon You in darkness. He drops to one knee, then leaps into the air and vanishes.

The next screen has Cartoon You standing in front of a wall (… actually, it’s not a wall, it’s a giant ass) that shows three options:

* MOLLY

* TAMMY

* TUTORIAL

Normally with phone games, you like to jump right in and figure it out by trial and error as you go along, only bothering with the tutorial if there’s something you fail at repeatedly. You know what would happen if you fail even once here, so you tap ‘tutorial’. Cartoon You jumps up in the air and the screen goes black, and then a text block appears.

In the Quantum Sperm Probability Eraser, each ‘enemy’ represents both multiple spermatozoa that you ejaculated into a woman, and their probability of successfully reaching the ovum. Sweep your finger back and forth to aim the Eraser as it fires a constant stream of negative wavefunction probability packets into the onrushing horde.

Okay, so… it’s a “bullet heaven” game? I guess that makes sense?

An animation demonstrates how aiming depends on the position of your finger as you sweep it back and forth, which is something you don’t think needed explaining.

When a packet hits an enemy, the enemy’s probability of success will be either eliminated completely or significantly reduced. Some enemies may require as many as three shots to obliterate!

Keep an eye out for bonuses scattered throughout the field of fire, as these will make your task easier! Shoot the bonuses, and then intercept them as they fall!

A counter display in the upper right corner of the screen tracks the percentage of sperm from the spurt that remain to be eliminated.

That seems pretty intuitive. It’s useful to know about the bonuses and ‘as many as three shots’, and you suppose “multiple” means you won’t have to take out 500 million sperm individually, thank god.

You tap ‘main screen’, and there’s Cartoon You again. You select ‘TAMMY’.

The screen goes black, and then there’s an animation of Cartoon You fucking Cartoon Tammy, as Cartoon Molly watches and masturbates. Then there’s a view of what almost looks like a subway train moving through a tunnel, except it’s clearly your dick, seen from… is this supposed to be inside Tammy’s pussy?!?

The animated dick shudders, and spurts cartoony semen – and then the animation freezes, and a little window saying “Level 1” appears. Then the dick spurts a second time, and here’s the window for Level 2. After five spurts, and five levels created, the dick-train pulls out of the Tammy tunnel.

You don’t remember spurting five times, but there’s no point in arguing with the Eraser. You guess it’s a good thing Penelope called before you could fuck Tammy a second time.

You touch “Level 1”.

The level starts with a wide field that’s utterly packed with cartoon sperm, and at the bottom you see the Eraser. Before you can start firing, however, the words “POWER UP: MOLLY” appear on the screen, followed by the appearance of Cartoon Molly, nude except for a superhero cape.

Cartoon Molly UNHINGES HER JAW LIKE AN ANGLERFISH, gah!, and flies at the cloud of sperm, many of which get sucked into her gaping mouth. The camera pulls back, showing the full size of the waiting horde as she cuts a huge swath through it while the numbers in the ‘remaining sperm’ counter stream downward. After ten seconds, she pauses, licks her lips, belches, and disappears in a cloud of sparkles. Then the camera zooms back in.

MOLLY reduced the number of enemies in Level 1 by: 69%.

Of course.

You touch ‘start’ – the ‘31%’ in the counter resets to 100%, although the empty spaces in the field don’t refill so maybe it’s “100% of what’s left”? – and the action begins. Dramatic music plays and the cartoon sperm begin their attack.

You’ve never been a – to the left, to the left, right right right, left, is that a bonus? Apparently so – big fan of this type of game. They can be fun for a short while, sure, but there’s a certain sameness to the gameplay that can – bank a shot off the wall, take out a cluster – get monotonous. You have no idea how long this level will take. After a few minutes, you glance at the counter.

94% remaining?!?

Christ. If this was just a – let’s see what this bonus does… a lightning bolt?!? Damn! – game, you might just – and that one looks like it’ll trigger a vortex – give up at this point. Not that the level is too hard, no, it’s actually pretty simple, but that it’s too damn big.

It is not just a game, and – careful, there’s one off by the far side! – giving up is not an option. You concentrate. Sweep. Sweep. Sweep. Sweep.

Eventually – long enough for the dramatic music to have switched to a new song three times – the counter hits 10%… 8%… 5%… 4%… 2%… 1%…

and then the counter keeps dropping.

You suppose that if this was a real game – 0.83% – the designers wouldn’t – 0.41% – pull a stunt like – 0.27% – this, but this is – 0.104% – representing a real situation so it – 0.071% – makes sense that it’s not as – 0.003% – tidy. Which doesn’t make it any less frustrating – 0.001% – that the level still isn’t –

BLOOP!

LEVEL COMPLETE.

Cartoon You and Cartoon Tammy cheer silently.

You glance at the time. Level 1 took nearly forty minutes to complete.

Oh god. You’re going to be dreaming about this.

Level 2 begins, again, with the Molly Power-Up reducing the number of sperm by 69%. But as the camera pulls back, you see that the field is more complexly shaped. You’re going to have to take that into account.

As the action begins, one – left! Left, left, over on the right, straight up, dammit RIGHT – thing you notice is – over on the right by the hooked thing – that some of the sperm need to be shot TWICE before vanishing. You compensate for that, but you’re starting to – on the right! By the wall, ricochet it off the, the, the thing! – sweat and you don’t dare stop shooting long enough to wipe your face and THERE’S NO PAUSE BUTTON. A bonus that looks like a nuke briefly clears the field, but it almost immediately refills. Your arms are starting to cramp. Sweep. Sweep. Sweep. Sweep.

At last, after the dramatic music has switched to a new song four more times, the counter reaches 10%… 8%… 5%… 2%.. 0.6%…. 0.51%… come on, dammit! How far does this go! 0.304%… 0.007%…

BLOOP!

LEVEL COMPLETE.

Again, forty minutes, god damn.

You shake some feeling back into your arms, and then wipe your face with what you realize too late is the blouse Tammy was wearing yesterday.

Level 3 begins. Here’s Molly, there’s the full field – it looks much more complicated this time. Aim, shoot, and the first thing you discover is that parts of the environment that were just background art in levels 1 and 2, are now actively blocking your shots. You stare, and think, and aim, and sweep, and check the counter, and this music is starting to get on your nerves.

Finally, finally, finally you get the counter down to 15%… 12%… 9%…. 8%…

… and the screen freezes.

You actually, literally, for-real gasp. What just – did something kill your phone –

and a few seconds of sad music plays as OUT OF TIME appears on the screen.

You feel cold and shaky – did a sperm make it all the way to the egg?!?

And then, before you can panic, a text box appears.

CONTINUE LEVEL 3 WITH 90 MORE SECONDS:

5000 Affection Multiplier points

OR

Speak 1 sexual secret aloud

Oh.

Looks like it’s really taking this “emulate a phone game” thing seriously.

And you don’t have 5000 points.

Well. Uh. You definitely have one secret you can use for this.

“I’m fucking my sister,” you say to the Eraser.

A big red X appears, and there’s a tiny noise of a klaxon.

Points have already been given for that secret.

“I’m fucking my niece?” you try. Klaxon. “We had a threesome? My manager wants me to fuck her?” Klaxon, klaxon.

You should’ve known it wouldn’t be that easy. Okay, what else can you use? … the problem is, you haven’t really had much of a sex life! And what there is, is kind of embarrassing…

Which, you suppose, is the whole point. Okay.

“Tammy knows I dated Arlene in college,” you say. “And I told her and Molly that I only fucked one girl before our threesome tonight, which is true, and I told them I eat pussy, which is true, so they probably think it was Arlene whose pussy I ate. But the actual truth is… when I was in senior year of high school, we had some exchange students from Australia. Four girls, two guys. One of them was Genevieve, and I liked her.

And… at the end of the year, one of their host families held a big ‘Going Back to Australia’ party, and everyone from all their classes was invited, so I went even though I didn’t really go to parties. And… somehow, Genevieve and me ended up in a bedroom together. And we talked, and then we made out, and she jacked me off, and I sucked her tits and fingered her and ate her pussy.

And afterward, she said she’d had a lot of fun, and she gave me her email. And then she went back to Australia. And I wrote to her – I said I missed her, and I’d been thinking about her when I jacked off. And she wrote back – she said she’d made it home just fine, and don’t worry about her. And then when I wrote to her again, it… it bounced. She’d deleted the account.”

A big green exclamation point appears on the screen, accompanied by a happy little TING!

Level 3 resumes, and you continue wiping out the possibilities – 8%… 6%… 4%… 2%… 0.4%… 0.001%…

BLOOP!

LEVEL COMPLETE.

Again, that was nearly 40 minutes. It occurs to you that it’s bad UI/UX design to not have “OUT OF TIME” and “HERE’S HOW TO CONTINUE” in the same message box, but you’re almost positive this isn’t really a phone app. It’s possible it didn’t exist before you needed it, and maybe it never will again. Magic.

You move on to Level 4. Cartoon Molly gobbles up 69% of the cartoon sperm, and then the level begins.