Balls so blue they'll call 'em P3

Guhh… what even was this crazy bullshit?

“Joker? You're twitching a lot today.” I heard Morgana again.

I wiped the sweat from my brow, “Can’t it just be the end of school now…?”

Riing!

…what?

“That’s it for the day, class!” Ms. Chouno smiled, placing her book down, “Time certainly flies. Doesn’t it? Be sure to finish your reading, there will be a quiz next week. So try not to enjoy your weekend too much~"

It had just been, like, 2:30ish… now the clock says it was 5:00.

What the fuck.

Did I black out? Was reality really crumbling this quickly that it was affecting time, or was I just so horny that my brain stopped working?

Before I could even compute for a millisecond about how crazy everything was being, Ann’s hand was grasping mine. Her big busty chest leaning down towards me, and her apocalyptically attractive smile was pointed right at my heart. “Come on! Let’s find somewhere quiet~ quick!” She was practically dragging me from my seat, hurrying ourselves out the door before I could even put the napping Morgana into my bag.

“O-okay.” I mumbled, willpower to resist fading fast as I felt the softness of her fingers intertwining with mine. Not helped that it felt like my horny level had jumped up along with the impromptu time skip, sending so many hormones into my brain I could barely even breathe. A bunch of classmates mumbled something as we rapidly escaped together, and I could see Mishima wanted to talk, but it was too late. Ann had my fate now, and resistance was useless.

Before I knew it, we’d found somewhere away from the bustle of the school. A quiet corner outside, near the gym storage shed, away from prying eyes, even as students poured out of their classrooms to make their journeys home.

My first ever female friend pushed me against the wall, literally performing a kabedon on me with a slick grin and a cocky attitude.

“I’ve waited all day for this,” Panther purred, breaking all personal boundaries laws, pressing herself against me so close I could smell her rose scented hair wash, “You know what I like about you, Ren? You always look so cool and collected, even in situations like this.” Ahh! Her boobs are touching me! Soft boobies! AHHHH!! “Did you like my photo I sent you?”

“Yesss….” I hissed, earning a giggle from her.

Her cocky grin was powerful, especially when paired with a small blush, "I'm glad~ We don't share enough photos, do we?"

“W-was I supposed to send one back?”

“Usually, but I’ll forgive you since I sent it at the end of lunch.”

Right, but still, I should have thought about that, “Sorry… I’m still-”

“Shhh, no one’s going to bother us out here, so you don't have to impress me any more than you already do. I don’t mind how inexperienced you are,” She sympathetically rubbed my bare arm, even that minor touch was setting off my body in a shudder, “Despite how some people see me, I’m inexperienced too. I’ve n-never even kissed anyone…”

Oh shit. Ann may be inexperienced, but she has really has some seductive moves. I gulped, feeling a deep hunger as her lips parted so gently in front of me, “C-can we…?”

My heart nearly exploded out of my chest when Ann closed her eyes and got on her tip toes towards me. Our lips met, and oh my god it feels so good. Softness, warmth, sensual embrace, it was like electricity had shot through me from her mouth. I had no idea how my tongue was supposed to apply here, so I just kept my lips applied on her sweet pillows.

Then she touched my cock.

Oh god, it felt like I was ready to bust a nut right there. It was only rubbing over my clothes, but a girl gently squeezing me was too much. The horny got the better of me, my hands couldn’t stop themselves from wrapping around her and bringing her body in tighter to mine. A moan into my mouth told me she liked it at least a little, her hands squeezing my diamond dick tighter as her soft body rubbed into my chest.

When we finally stopped our embrace we were both panting with hunger for more.

“D-damn, you really are an honest guy,” said Ann, lightly petting me still with a blush on her grinning face, “And this tent pitcher down here…”

As her fingers squished my junk, I couldn’t help but let out a noise, “Hnnngg…”

“Ohh~ shit. I love to see your face scrunch up in pleasure, Ren. I wonder if I can make you do a hentai ahegao? That sweet, handsome, a-attractive face…”

I just kept my back against the wall as her fingers quietly played with my twitching prick, “A-Ann…”

Her determination and grin flared up after what looked like a burst of courage, “That’s right! We both said it now, so that means you better enjoy what’s coming to you!” Right… the blowjob. I… I can’t resist it anymore, I just want this pulsing in my crotch to stop. I think Ann could sense it, slowly going down to her knees, “Even if you didn’t say I was attractive, I wouldn’t want to leave such a close friend like this…”

Slowly her fingers grabbed my straining zipper and let my overly erect boxers come free into the open air. My loose fitting button-fly, easily popping free to expose myself on school grounds. Honestly after such a long few hours of tight confines, the freedom felt amazing. Precum had absolutely soaked through my boxers, making it look like I’d wet myself with the clear sticky liquid.

“Wow, look at you…”

“I-is it big?” Oh give me a break, guys get nervous about these things! …damn, next to her demure hand, it looked even bigger than usual…

“Hell yeah it is…” She mumbled, giving me a light squeeze to feel the size herself, “You should have just snapped a pic of this and sent it to me as a response. This is sexy enough by itself… in fact, I kinda want a pic of me with it…”

I couldn’t help but feel a little bolstered by her compliments, even if I wanted her to get on with it, “I-is that proper blowjob procedure?”

“I think so, yeah. A nice way to keep a record of our friendship, right? I’m going to take a great photo of us. This is where my modelling skill level really helps out, hehe~” She said, waving her phone at me as I felt a surge of pleasure in my cock, knowing she’d be keeping a pic of my dick for her own benefit. “But first, this thing smells too good, I gotta get a taste~”

Time slid to a standstill as Ann approached my throbbing member. Pecking the tip ever so gent-

“Here they are!”

ZIP! "YOW!"

The two of us shot our heads around to the sudden intruders. In a horrible move that made perfect sense, Ann quickly zipped me up. Trapping my erection inside my awful pants that I hated forever. Had they fucking shrunk in the last two seconds?!

An angry Makoto and a strangely blushing Ms. Usami had found us in the small corner behind the school. Right before we’d gotten to the good part.

“Miss Takamaki, Mr Amamiya. What were you two doing back here?” Ms. Usami sighed, fidgeting about a bit and weirdly readjusting her clothes repeatedly.

“Nothing!” Ann quickly shot back, “Just heading home, and we got lost!”

The arm folded Niijima just clicked her tongue at the blonde, “Tch. A likely story. Ms. Usami, they were clearly violating school rules on impropriety! I insist we separate them immediately!” She ordered before stomping over to us and grabbing my wrist, “I’ll take care of Ren, you take Ann to detention!”

“W-wha-?! HEY! RE~EN!”

Once more I was dragged away, this time by Makoto and her furious strength. Ann unable to follow as the annoyed Ms. Usami took her the other way.

I felt bad about having to leave the beautiful blonde, but my hands were tied here. I didn’t want to mess with Makoto when she was this angry with me, and it wasn’t like she could fellate me in detention. My main concern now was that I’d nearly given in to temptation and have given myself the bluest of balls.

Weirdly, my furious kindapper didn’t drag me into a classroom, or a council room, or even a room. She took me out of school, out the front gate, and then into the little side alleyway in front of the school. Silently scolding me with the quiet treatment.

“Uhh… Makoto?”

Once more I was thrown against a wall, a much dingier back alley wall, but instead of having a girl latch onto me I had one scoldingly frown at me. Had I really pissed her off that much by fooling around with Ann? Had she taken me into an alleyway so my blood would run into the drains easier?! Was I-?!

“I masturbated while thinking about you.”

…

That statement was far more powerful than any punch.

“W-wuh?! Today?!”

“Yes… last night also…” She admitted while touching the deep blush on her face, “I tried to ignore my lust, but after I took the photo I just imagined you being aroused by me and… and…” Shame riddled her usually stoic face, and by the heavens it was hot and cute. Also she masturbated to me in the fucking toiletsahhhhh!!!! ”I’m o-only telling you because I did not want to hide it from you. Plus… I think it proves I find you wildly attractive, Ren.”

Deep gulp, “Y-yeh, th-that’ll do it.”

Slowly, Makoto approached me, quite timidly after forcefully getting me here. The unsure nature of her actions compared was peak gap moe, and I couldn’t help but notice the girl had tried to appeal to my sensibilities by undoing a few extra buttons of her summer shirt… unless they came off when she was m-masturbating?

Her face looked up at mine when she reached my chest, “I’m sorry for ruining your time with Ann… but after such passionate feelings for you eclipsed me I… I just couldn’t wait.”

The soft voice of a future police chief, looking up at me with such bright red eyes, clutching at my thumping chest with determination and arousal staining her face.

“Can your l-lips show me a new experience…?”

How could I possibly say no to that?

The smart and intelligent girl reached her mouth up and kissed me, a bundle of nerves unable to stop quivering as we locked ourselves together in this alleyway. Makoto tasted different to Ann, less candy sweet, a little bit sour from intense exercise regiments she puts herself through. Or just from the fact she’d spent her class getting sweaty in the bathroom to the idea of me.

Ever the lead taker, Makoto took my hands and guided them to her ample posterior.

I am once more here to declare that I have decided to give up on having morals. I officially give in to temptation. No way I can resist the short haired council head with the amazing ass she was allowing me to squeeze. She may not have as much tit flesh as Ann, but fuck, even just lightly mauling her rear was filling me with so much life. It was both firm and squishy all at once. She’d never fit into her biker outfit if it didn’t magically appear on her.

“Oof!” I exclaimed as I landed on the floor. The plastic bag I’d apparently been standing on had not survived my weight leaning on it.

Makoto couldn’t help but giggle at me from above, really putting the ‘dom’ in ‘Queen’. “You didn’t send me a picture back, maybe I should take one of you like this?” She teased before joining me on the floor, tracing the outline of my dick with her finger quite evilly, “I guess I'll get to have a picture of us soon enough…”

“To masturbate to?”

“P-please don’t keep reminding me about that…” She sighed, losing all sense of control she had over the situation, adding very quietly, “...but, yes.”

It didn’t last long before she got brave enough to really finish what Ann started. Nodding at me in determination before going down from her squat and placing her fingers on my crotch. There were a few deft squeezes to assess me, but then it was her turn to unzip my pants after Ann had stuffed me inside so quickly. Once more letting my rager pop out from my zipper and poke her pretty nose, making her squeak in surprise as a trail of precum connected us.

She was shocked briefly before putting on a brave, if sweaty, smile. Giving me some light shaft traces and then cupping my overly full balls, “The smell… the size… you always exceed expectations, Ren.”

..huh, why did that sound familiar?

“Makoto.”

ZIP! “Ugggreg!” Twice?! My dick groaned louder than me as I shuddered in disappointment.

“SIS!” The brunette shouted, jumping up and spinning around to look at the alley arrival with a completely mortified expression. A frown on the prosecutor’s pretty face that I was struggling to focus on with how blue my balls were feeling. “What are you doing here?!”

“Don’t you ask me that. Who are you with? Why are you hunched over in an alleyway? Is someone blackmailing you to be out here? This is no way to be actin-REN!”

After storming over to us, I’d weakly stood up with my cock aching in pain, knowing I couldn’t exactly hide from her. What had stopped her in her tracks hadn’t been that she was with someone, but me specifically? “Uhh, hi.”

“H-hi…” She trailed off, completely losing the angry steam she had and acting more like an awkward teenager. Why? No clue. Neither did Makoto from the side glance she gave me. “H-how are you?”

“...fine?” I responded equally as awkwardly. How the hell was I supposed to respond when her sister had been touching my cock two seconds ago?! The aching I felt was worse than ever, mostly because I remembered that sexy dream from last night. Sae looked just as amazing as she did in my head, that curvy figure that almost made being arrested worth it.

Makoto kept things on track with a cough, “W-what brings you to the school?”

The longer haired sister looked sheepish, turning back to the school, then to us, unsure of her own answer, “Um… well…”

“...were you here to walk home with Makoto?” I suggested, mostly to keep the conversation away from what we were doing, seeing as she was struggling to remember the reason.

“Yes, v-very astute of you.” She nodded, looking weirdly bashful about me talking to her at all. “I happened to be close by when I finished work today, and thought it would be nice to walk with my sister. I hadn’t expected to see her racing into an alleyway with a boy.”

Makoto was never very good at defying her sister, shrivelling up in embarrassment when Sae’s angry eyes returned. Even though she had dragged me here, I still felt bad for her, “W-we’re just friends, so it’s okay, right?!”

“Of course, that’s why I stopped yelling when I saw… you.” She surmised with a little weirdly emphasised end syllable, “Um, are you… do you have someone to take you home, Amamiya?”

“Yes, he does.”

“Hm? WOAH!”

A man in a suit was dragging me away! I repeat: Man in suit dragging me away! Makoto and Sae looked just as shocked as how it felt to be DRAGGED AWAY BY A MAN IN A SUIT!

Fuck fuck fuck! It all happened so fast, and he had such bigger muscles than me, I was out the front of the alleyway and thrown into a limo before I could even yell properly for help. Face down on the long car’s floor that began driving as soon as the door behind me was slammed shut.

I dreaded the worst. Was Kaneshiro back? One of his associates wanting ****? Had someone else the Phantom Thieves wronged figured me out? I almost couldn’t bear to raise my head…

“Ren! Are you okay? I hope my bodyguard didn’t hurt you…”

“H-Haru?!” I gawped at the voice, spinning around to see her kneeling next to me. “W-what the hell?! Did you seriously just-?!”

“I’m sorry! I’m really sorry!” She clasped her hands on mine while looking at me with those big eyes, stopping my anger dead in its tracks, “I-I just wanted to give you a ride home! I-I even picked up Mona-chan for you! He’s in the front right now…” Well, that was a relief, and it was following a trend of being dragged around that wasn’t exclusive to her anyway, “I’m sorry… you can exit the vehicle if you’d prefer…”

I only spoke after a long sigh of both frustration and relief, “...well, I mean, a ride in a limo… certainly beats the cramped train…”

The way she beamed did make my already overly horny body cartwheel in place. Hopping up and quickly taking a seat at the end of the limo, petting the place next to her to indicate where she wanted me to sit.

The seat was firm yet soft, the premium type of chair that only the richest of the rich could afford. I wouldn’t be able to stand in here, but the floor space was incredible, you could fit an entire table back here! Only the back and the left side of the vehicle had seats, where the other side had the door and a nifty drinks bar built into the side. There was no way to see the outside world with the tinted windows, so I had no idea if we were actually heading to LeBlanc or if Haru was driving me to Destinyland again, but I felt pretty safe in here with the burger heiress.

“W-would you like a beverage? I don’t like using this limousine much since it feels too show-off, but we may as well make use of it, right?”

“Sure, I’ll take a cola.”

She nodded and shuffled herself over to the drinks cabinet. She opened an ice cold bottle of carbonated drink for me, and a peach ice tea for herself. Pouring them into unneeded glasses before handing it to me. We did a little posh glass ‘clink’ and then calmly sat back while drinking our drinks.

“Are you okay now? Did the nurse say anything about your fainting?”

“I am alright yes, and the nurse just said it was just me getting a bit… overexcited.” She admitted with a slight turn away from me.

Damn, that was a thing? I better be careful, my cock has been getting overexicted all day. “Oh… that isn’t going to happen again, is it?”

“Yes, I’m sure it won’t… which means I’m perfectly safe to get… excited. Again.”

I gulped at her hand placement on mine. Something about having this demure girl acting bold was quite arousing, and after two rounds of cock teases, I was feeling the effects of a third wildily more. The subtle intamacy where she tested if I was into it somehow made my hour long tent twitch once more.

“Haru…” I moaned, grasping her hand back, “I don’t think I can wait anymore…”

The girl panted at my sudden flipped switch, clearly only half mentally prepared but willing to dive in anyway, “Th-then let’s not wait.” Her hand left mine and took a hold of my face, turning my gritted teeth towards her, “Ren. I was so happy to hear you found me a-attractive, because I have never laid eyes on a more handsome man than you. A kind soul, a brave soul, I cannot stop thinking about you, Ren. Please, can you please let me fellate you?”

“Ffffuck yeah…” I replied while my body rippled at her touch. Maybe I was down bad for gardeners, especially when they brought out the Noir type speeches. Still, may as well keep the pattern going, “Wanna make out first?”

Her sweet smile almost transcended how happy she was, “Oh Ren, I’d love to.”

She leaned herself into me, the slightly awkward positioning of us sat next to each other no longer a problem as we both turned our bodies towards each other. I grasped the back of her head, maybe to try and make sure this girl didn’t run away from me, but maybe because I was just that hungry for heiresses.

And I wasn’t the only one. Haru was surprisingly the only girl who wanted to use her tongue for her first kiss, licking at my lips until I opened them up. It didn’t get further than that, only sticking her tongue out to poke at my teeth and lather my bottom lip. Asking if I wanted to come out to play. My first French style make out, feeling her dainty taster just lightly bend against my own. Intertwined tips in sinful lust, but making my crotch thrust up by itself from how much sexy feelings it pumped into me.

Maybe it was too much to do myself, but my cock had to be free. I unzipped it, freeing it in this quiet limo, and appreciated the lack of stained fabric trying to hold me back. It was angry, I could tell that much without even looking at it, but apparently it looked appetising enough for a hand other than my own to touch it.

Okay, this is it. Haru wins.

I was in her car, doors locked, completely cut off from the outside world, far from anyone else, just us in this confined space, kissing lewdly while she leaned her soft chest into me and gently pushed my precum up and down my aching shaft.

There was no way in hell I wasn’t going to be able to just get on with it. I wanted to just give in to this awful fake disease I may have just made up to hide my insecurities, and if it was real, beg for forgiveness afterwards.

All I had to do was sit back and enjoy the ride…

“Ma’am, a situation is occurring that requires your attention.”

“I told you I don’t want to be disturbed!” She yelled. Wow, angry Haru was kinda hot though.

The guard who had thrown me inside coughed, “I apologise, but this is not something that can wait. A cyber attacker is threatening to expose all of the company’s files. They’re even demanding you specifically to deal with the problem, they won’t talk to anyone else.”

“Can it not wait 10 damn minutes?!” I growled in frustration.

“Yes sir, it can not wait at all. I’m going to have to let you and your cat out of the limo here.”

“But… but…” She whimpered, looking close to tears as she looked back between me and the limo driver.

I took her chin in my hand, sighing a long hard sigh myself as I could feel the repetitive nature of my afternoon begin to set in again. “As much as it pains me to say this... the Haru I know wouldn’t ignore a problem for her own gain. Especially when people’s livelihoods were on the line.”

A few drops did escape her ducts, even if she kept up her brave smile. “D-don’t forget this feeling. I-I’m sorry I-”

“I won’t forget, it’s okay. I’ll probably be seeing you sometime on the weekend?”

I could see her hands scrunch up in frustration before giving me up, “Yes… I will make sure of it.” She nodded, and I could feel the limo pull to a halt.

This time, no less painfully, I had to zip up myself.

My bag passed back to me, I got out on the side of the road to find I was at least in civilization. Quite close to a train station, one that was only two stops away from LeBlanc. I had to watch a sad Haru wave back at me from her limo as it drove away down the street.

Today was just the fucking pits.

“Hey! You left me behind in class, Joker!” I heard from my bag I’d been handed, “I’ll let it slide this time, since my amazing subordinate saved you and treated us to a limo ride, but don’t forget me again!”

I hung my head down low, unable to even respond to the cat. Was it normal to be close to tears after three women nearly gave you a blowjob? I’m going to go with yes.

With a heavy step, I dragged myself towards the train station. I’d taken my blazer off and hung it around my front while tying the arms around my waist. Maybe I was paranoid, but I think people could still tell I had a boner underneath my clothes. You know when you look at someone to see if they’re looking at you, and then they look at you, and you don’t know if it was because they were looking before or because you made them and now you look like the weirdo?

Ugh, I need another drink.

Before the train I ducked into a convenience store. I only really got a bit of a sip of Coke, and after my third blue bollocking I thought water was the best course of action.

“Hm? Are you grabbing a snack?” Asked my cat poking his head up, “Ooh! Maybe you could grab some more hentai for us to read! I bet Lady Ann has all the trendiest issues~”

“...that stopped being funny a while… ago…”

Oh my god.

The magazine rack was full of porn.

How… how? Just how. HOW?! Had the morals of society degraded in a day and a half?!

Some of it was original hentai, but a lot of it was just straight up doujinshi. Right next to the latest Shonen Jump, that had a front cover picture of Nami with Luffy from One Piece, there was a Hentai of the same characters.The artist was ‘RodoRodo’, a much lewder cover of the ginger, with milky breasts showing off puffy nipples under a moist plain white tanktop. And it wasn’t the only one. A My Hero Academia doujin of that bunny girl in a bath of cum, a vanilla doujin of Yor and Lloid Forger right next to a hardcore NTR cover of Asuna from SAO. It was as arousing as it was mind boggling.

“Lady Ann used to watch Sailor Moon, didn’t she? We should get that one!” My cat pointed at a cover of an aged up row of sailor scouts with their tits out in a line.

“No.”

“Oh come on! AH! Mrow!”

I stuffed him back into the bag with a huff before zipping it up. He probably didn’t understand why I was pissed off at him, but I just wanted to buy my drink and get out of here.

But it was too late. There was hentai at the till as well. A few ‘bargain’ items to trick customers into buying it with their single purchases.

Case in point: I stared at Tsunade’s lewd cover pose as the attendant scanned my water, “Did you want a copy?”

“Hm? Oh, uh, n-no. Thanks.”

“Come on~ I see you staring.” The older man teased, grabbing the Naruto doujin before I could stop him and flicking through it, “This is a good read. Are you into older females?”

“I… uh…”

His toothy grin didn’t desist from my stammering, “I can see that is a yes, my friend! Any teachers cross your fancy~? I’m sure I have something for you somewhere~”

I had nothing to say. This was getting insane, I could only mumble under my breath, “Oh god… can’t I just be back at LeBlanc right now?”

The man behind the counter looked at me with a bizarre intensity.

“Yes, you can.”

…

…………..

I… I’m on the street outside LeBlanc.

I…

“I’ve lost it… I’m officially too far gone…”

Time is dead, space is an illusion, whatever God had my soul in its web was not treating me kindly. To be cursed with the knowledge that nothing was right, nothing made sense. Could it have been the guy at the store? Or was some higher being dragging me around its corrupted Sims levels just messing with me?

“R-Ren?!” Squeaked the girl crouching outside the entrance of the cafe, “You surprised me! Did you fast travel home or something?”

I could barely stop myself at breaking down in laughter as a truly broken man. “Yep! You could fucking say that!”

She had been rushing her feet towards me, but slowed as I begun yelling, “Uhh, h-have you got any weird status conditions I should know about? I don’t know if I’ve ever heard you raise your voice when it wasn’t summoning a Persona.’”

“I’m just don't know anymore!” I admitted, throwing my hands up in defeat before my shoulders sagged low, “Fate has some shitty whims planned for me…”

“Right… well hear this! Guess who just hacked Big Bang-”

I placed a finger on her lips, “Hold on, let me guess. You’re here to make out with me, and offer me a ‘friendly blowjob’ somewhere private? But uh-oh! Just as things are getting good, just as I start getting into it… your phone will go off, alerting you to a place you have be right now that requires you to leave me high and dry, even though you really wanted to stay? Does that about sum it up?!”

Bzzzt.

She was shocked, looking briefly at her phone then back at me, “Wow… have you been looking at the official guide book? How’d you guess all that?!”

“It doesn't matter... just… just go…” I sighed, slouching down even more and beginning to walk away from the girl while feeling the stress of the day pile on one more last shitty surprise.

Then the surprise turned way less shitty.

My fourth first kiss was probably the most impassioned. Much more face mashing than the others, but with it came a cute pressure against my body. Futaba keeping my collar tightly in her hand while she smooched me with eyes clenched hard. Our glasses pushing against each other as she kept driving forward, all before suddenly pushing on my chest as hard as the introvert could.

“I-I-I-I was just taking w-w-what I was owed!” She insisted before darting away down the road, “I’ll be back! Keep a save slot ready for me!”

As I watched the ginger’s booty disappear from view, I was once more left alone. Harder than ever, unable to think about anything but the four girls I’d just had the most unsatisfying interactions with. Each of their tastes echo in my mind. Memories of lips against mine, soft bodies, warm hands, smiling lips, exotic smells, beautiful sights, sigh…

I’d done it. Officially I have resisted all four women. Other than a kiss each, I had not taken advantage of any of them, I was morally in the clear.

I had done the right thing.

So why did it feel so awful?

“MmmgfROW!” Morgana roared in triumph after getting my bag open, “Hey! Don’t trap me in there for no reason!” He complained briefly while scratching behind his dishevelled ear, “...hey, did I hear Futaba? Where’d she go?”

Huh, I kind of forgot to check. I wonder what text she got. “Dunno, if I’m lucky she’s meeting with the other girls in our party to stop the infighting?”

“You’re the cause of that, ya know.” the know-it-all instantly pointed out, “Why don’t you just kiss one of them and get it over with?”

I have never more wanted to throw a cat against a wall.