Bad Sex, by Zeebop

“This clearly violates the rules!”

“Gina please.”

“Story has to be ten chapters deep! This shit isn’t even half of that!”

“Well, true, but we do have no other submissions.”

“Good!”

“And this was written by Zeebop.”

“Woah, your telling me he wrote something else besides Lois Lane? Isn’t that illegal?”

“I am just as stunned as you. But yes, we are reading Bad Sex, by Zeebop.”

“So, this is a story about hardcore, perverted, evil sex?”

“No Gina.”

“What do you mean no?”

“Just bad sex. As in, you are bad at your job.”

“…”

“Yes.”

“Are you fucking kidding me right now? Dickgirl-guy, what the fuck!”

“Whelp, I suppose we should get into it.”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

Not dating apps. No swiping left or right. No being picky. A matching service where you pressed the button and the algorithm matched you with someone down to fuck near by...and that was it. That was the one rule of Fuckr. Whoever it was, you had to fuck them. If you refused to fuck your partner, you were kicked from the app. It didn't matter if it was a good fuck, or a happy fuck, or if anybody was satisfied...but if you didn't fuck them, you were cut off. No more fucking for you.

“That sounds like an absolute garbage service.”

“To be fair, Gina. The story admitted as much.”

“So, this shit is about our main character Sam who wants to have sex.”

“And of course if your character is named Sam, that can only mean one thing.”

“Yeah, Dickgirl-guy tried really hard to hide the protagonists gender in that opening chapter.”

“That is because, in typical Zeebop fashion, we have lots of choices. We can pick the gender and sexual preference of Sam.”

“Oh wow “Woman seeking Woman” Dickgirl-guy might as well have a giant neon sign on that option for us. I bet it’s a trap.”

“...do you want to pick something else?

“Hell no.”

She paused before the full-length mirror in her closet to consider her body: the bleach-blonde hair that was growing in dark at the roots, the hazel eyes that stared out from a face with a jaw a little too strong to be beautiful, the cheeks a little too full to be handsome, the mouth a little too generous to be cute. At 26, her body was a bit soft and more than a little bottom-heavy, with the flaring breeder's hips she'd got from her mother—not that Sam had any intention to do that kind of breeding—and a generous ass that was still fairly firm, but was definitely looking to expand. Some women liked the curvy look, and Sam hoped she pulled one.

“I am actually surprised the protagonist is only 26. years old I was sure we would read about someone middle aged.”

“Thank fuck for that.”

“The description isn’t too horrible as well. Dare I say it is even refreshing?”

“Dickgirl-guy can fuck right off with that creepy breeder shit.”

It wouldn't do to invite a guest to eat her out only not have a dank forest down there.

“And the first typo.”

“Unless Sam likes her “dank forest” hurl.”

“This second chapter was quite short. I mean not awfully short but given that this story is only four chapters long...”

“We are halfway trough the fucking story and we finally get to choose the date. Obviously I picked the least awful option which was “Someone kinky.”

“And up shows Cass. From the description she actually does not sound too bad either.”

The black-framed glasses in front of sky-blue eyes gave her a Clark Kent-esque appearance, mousy but promising a hidden beauty might emerge when they came off.

“For fucks sake, dickgirl-guy can you stop this superhero shit for one god damn story?”

“I like girls with glasses.”

“I don’t.”

“Cass likes to roleplay so we can choose between Furry, pony-play and uh...belly expansion?”

“Once again, there is only one possible choice here. Let’s go with the pony stuff.”

“Oh my, Gina.”

“Shut up!”

Sam was not into My Little Ponies, or any of this furry nonsense.

“Which is why I picked the non furry option!”

“So, Cass puts on a strap on and…”

“Marcie.”

“Yes?”

“Do any of the My Little Pony ponies have dicks?”

“I am not that well versed in the lore but I don’t think so.”

“THEN WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS PONY ROLEPLAY INVOLVE DICKS!”

"Oh oh...whinny for me!" Cass whispered hoarsely. "Let me know you want it, darling! Let me know how much you love Applejack's big fat cock in your tight pony pussy!"

“But I have to admit this is somewhat silly. After all there is a perfectly fine male character Cass could have roleplayed as.

“That thing doesn’t have a dick either.”

“...lets move along. Sam is not having a good time. I guess you can say she has…”

“Don’t.”

“Alright, alright. Basically the story ends with Sam getting internal bleeding from large horse cock.”

“Fucking dickgirl-guy and his fucking dickgirls.”

“Well, it did promise bad sex, so we can’t complain.”

“Yes, we can.”

“Do you want to check out another branch, Gina?"

“ugh... I bet it involves dicks again.”

I just want my pussy licked, Sam thought with a sigh. How did it come to this?

“We went back and picked the dog girl option. No dicks this time.”

“Nah, just piss drinking.”

“This time the roles are reversed and Sam is the dom.”

“But she is just as inept."

“Sam takes Cass out on a walk and the scene is actually somewhat sexy. For starters, they are both naked.”

“I’m not sure why Sam gets naked for this as well, but the whole thing ends with Cass peeing and then Sam licking her clean.”

“That is pretty gross. I don’t mind watersports, but only if it is with a humiliation angle.”

“Of course you do.”

"Did you just piss on my carpet!?" Sam shouted, and what upset her more than anything was the mingled lust and fear in those eyes at Sam's raised voice. This was definitely not what she had signed up for.

“And that’s that. Want to do the belly expansion, Gina?”

“Fuck no.”

“Alright, alright. So, what do you think?”

“Absolute garbage.”

“Gina please.”

“Fuck you, Marcie. The whole point of this story is to write about Bad Sex. Me calling the story garbage means mission accomplished for dickgirl-guy.”

“I suppose that is true enough. I just think there is some potential in the concept that I don’t think is fully realized here.”

“Nah, Marcie.”

“The main character not having a good time shouldn’t automatically be a deal breaker. I mean, many stories here follow that concept. If I had to hazard a guess, the issue is the short length of the stories.”

“That’s the one saving grace of this shit.”

“If the story was expanded it could focus more on the sex scene instead of just the punchline. If that makes sense to you.”

“Yeah sure, I don’t really care.”

“Take that dog girl chapter for example. It could have focused on them trying to get back home while naked. That would still work for the story premise, no?”

“Again, don’t care.”

“Well then, no masturbation occurred.”

“Duh.”

“And I think with that we can conclude this review. Any closing statements Gina?”

“Don’t bother me with this stupid shit ever again!”