Andromeda Date 1, Part 3: Combat Phase

Mona

Man, Andromeda is really focused on the game.

She once again states, “Untap, Upkeep, Draw.”

Mona draws her leyline, revealing another. It kind of sucks that I keep just drawing leylines. I want to do something cool, like Andromeda. Mona can’t follow all of the stuff Andromeda does, but Tyalangan and Mattie seems to understand. It involves dice being placed on all of the upside down cards? Mona casts the lifecrafter’s bestiary thing and Andromeda plays a spooky beast card. It’s a face up one.

The spooky beast card must be spooky, as Tyalangan casts a card against it when they finish drawing their cards. Then, Andromeda flips a card face-up and the scary dragon has to go back to Tyalangan’s hand. Then, Tyalangan used a card to copy her card’s effect and hit the ooze enigma with it, too! Then Tyalangan attacks with her faerie creature. Finally, Mattie taps out to play her deity and Tyalangan taps out to sac her sunforest verge early “just so you don’t have to wait for me to shuffle at y’all’s end step.”

When they draw and get ready to play leylines, Mona gets confused again. Andromeda makes us take 2 damage! Isn’t taking damage bad? Mona says, “Hey, why? We’ve been taking a bunch of damage already?”

“I need it for my plays this turn. You should play this card.”

Andromeda points to explorer’s stampede. Mona shrugs and plays it. It takes a while for them to explain the card. Everyone votes between wild and free. For every wild vote, Mona gets to flips cards from the top of the library until she reveals a creature, then she gets it on the field for free. After the wild votes are resolved, she gets to play a permanent from her hand for each free vote for free. Oooooooh! Cool!

“Wild!”

Andromeda votes free. Tyalangan looks to be kicking herself, muttering she doesn’t know the “right vote” for this card, eventually settling for wild. Mattie whoops, “Roll them dice, Mona. Wild.”

Mona flips until she hits three creatures: angry leyline locus, a cool dinosaur that lets her play an extra leyline every turn, and a naga excavator. Then she gets to play her super cool goldknight angel from her hand. The dinosaur allows Mona to play a second leyline a turn, which doesn’t do anything right now, and ascend, which apparently means something; at least the dinosaur can attack. There is a card with some hand-written stuff on it up top?

Andromeda plays an upside-down card, draws a card, then says, “I can’t leave that one on top.” She spends leylines to play another upside-down card so she can draw that card.

“We need a board wipe, Mattie.”

“I’ll see if I can find one.”

Mattie casts a card to let her search her library for an artifact and put it in her hand. It triggers her deity. Andromeda flips a card around to destroy the deity, but the trigger was already on the stack, whatever that means. Mattie sighs, then grabs a sol ring, which she plays (After stealing the card on top of my library. Rude! And it was a cool card, once she found it in my tokens. It has two sides!). Tyalangan plays her deity from her hand, sighing, “Maybe I’ll be able to dig for one next turn?”

Andromeda quietly explains the “optimal play” for Mona’s next turn, so she follows it. It makes sense as she runs through it. She starts with playing her vastwood seer BEFORE she plays her leyline per turn. The seer lets her find a basic green leyline. The land triggers the angry locus, which makes a big elemental token. They then both play their leylines, which triggers the angry locus again AND flips her vastwood seer, which turns into a crazy new card type. Since her top card isn’t a land, she uses a power to make another elemental. She activates the mosswort bridge, letting her play the leyline underneath, which triggers the angry locus a third time AND return the bridge to her hand so she can use it again next turn. Andromeda does stuff, too; Mona is too busy trying to figure out all the stuff she did to pay much attention.

They finally are going to go into combat! Mona attacks with her big creatures. She wanted to attack with more, but Andromeda said no. The angel doubles the damage her stuff deals and halves the damage her stuff takes. Andromeda attacks with her flipped exit specialist and assassin. The assassin dies. Still, they did enough damage for Tyalangan to have to remove a whole die and another one turned down to just an 8.

After combat, Andromeda uses one of her card’s abilities to flip a card called seedborn muse face up. Mattie cusses. She uses a leyline to grab a different leyline, revealing a really weird leyline.

Next Tyalangan and Mattie turn, they untap and so does Andromeda. Mattie pouts a little and casts Ingenious artillerist. Tyalangan does a complicated sequence. Her top card is an enchantment, so she plays one that was “on an adventure,” which sounds silly. The deity trigger lets her draw the one on top. There is now a creature on top, so she plays a creature. She gets two of her deity triggers, but only has one creature to draw. She plays a leyline, disappointed.

“Let’s see if we survive to let me dig again,” Tyalangan sighs, then after seeing the top card on Andromeda’s deck, she cusses, “Shit. That’s half of the pickle lock.”

Pickle lock?

Since there is a land on top of her deck after drawing cards at the start of the turn, Mona uses that vastwood seer card to play it from there, making another elemental. She has to keep these separate since “creatures need haste to attack the turn they enter the battlefield.” She then plays the mosswort bridge again, hiding away this cool druid guy with a big sword and a bald head, and making another elemental. Then, she cast and uses a thaumatic compass to get another elemental.

Andromeda plays an upside-down card to draw the pickle card. Then, Mona gets to attack with all her big creatures (plus Andromeda chips in with the exit specialist). They block as much as they can, but they are down to 20. We’re winning!

Andromeda tries to cast another upside-down card, only for Mattie to say “Counter.” Andromeda flips another creature to counter the counter. After Andromeda draws her card, Tyalangan sighs, “And there is the other half of pickle lock. She’ll not even need to use that Finale of Devastation to tutor for it.”

After they draw their cards, Tyalangan does that complicated sequence thing again. Top card is a leyline, so she plays a leyline and draws two leylines. Another leyline is revealed, so she uses a leyline to get more leylines. After shuffling, the top card is a creature, so the deity triggers all fizzle. She plays a creature, drawing the one on top, revealing another leyline.

“Can I get another shuffle, Mattie?”

Mattie shrugs and plays wizened snitches, then sacrifices the lantern of insight. The top card is another leyline. Tyalangan looks like she is about to offer a handshake, then holds back. “Let’s see how we lose.”

On their end step, Andromeda does a bunch of things. She flips a creature and a leyline right side up, returning that assassin from her graveyard to her hand, cycling a card to draw the other part of this pickle lock thing, then uses a leyline to get a couple more basic blue leylines.

“Untap, Upkeep...”

“Draw?” Mona asks.

“You have an upkeep trigger to consider.”

After it was explained, Mona scries away her top card (A Crucible of Worlds) and gets to draw another land. Andromeda sits back and lets Mona finish the game up. She plays a land (make an elemental), uses her vastwood seer to draw the top card of her library (a cultivate), plays cultivate (get a basic to her hand and another to the field and make an elemental), plays the basic leyline she just got (make an elemental). Then she activates the mosswort bridge to get baldy out (and uses his power, after they explain what trample means!). Then, she plays her TRIPLE HEADED TARRASQUE! All her leylines untap and she has 3 activations of her THT to point at her Host and her wife. The three biggest blockers are knocked out. Finally, she swings for 144 damage!!!!!!!

“Good game.”

“Regret the suboptimal play, Tyalangan?” Andromeda asks.

“Eh, Mona had fun. That was the point, right? Oh, and audience, I’ll let you pick Andromeda’s reward scroll. Don’t worry, it’ll be there by the time she is ready for stand-by mode tonight.”

Gaia

As boring as it is, the last few things click into place as Gaia (finally) closes the book she was given to read by the third angel she got to interact with today.

Gaia: Success – Nature skill proficiency (6 XP / 5 XP)

Gaia: +2 XP, Nature proficiency (Training Session)

The angel in question is lounging around on top of a bookshelf again, playing some chord progressions on a non-instrument. Gaia does not want to dwell on how that works. She supposes angel magic.

“If you have a bit of time, can I ask you something? Preferably at the bunny bistro?”

Alex waggles her eyebrows as she hops down, wings once again slowing her fall. As they move towards the bistro, the angel teases, “Oooh, how bold of you, dudette, asking me out to a fancy place like that. Sure. Just be aware that I am a married woman.”

“Angels can get married?”

Alex shrugs, “Why not?”

“Isn’t that, you know, against your god’s rules or something?”

“Hey, my goddess is cool. She attended the wedding and ate cake with us and everything. Also, she’s naked and purple!”

They are at the bunny bistro. Bella served as a great distraction while Gaia processed that, greeting them with cute bunnies and herbal tea. Today’s bunny that Gaia got feels more pensive. Alex’s bunny is hopping around. The tea is soothing.

“Yeah, that’s kind of what I want to talk about. So, if angels are real, then deities other than Malar are real, right?”

“Duh. Wait, I mean, yeah. Though the Black-blooded Beast does have other evil god buds, you know, the Storm Lords. He feels a bit of the odd evil god out, there, being the only one not... stormy.”

“Who?”

Alex sighs, “I guess you didn’t play attention in cult catechism class, huh?”

Gaia looks at the angel funny. Alex sits up a little taller, petting her bunny, then asks a rather pointed question, “Just how much about the Black-Blooded Beast do you know?”

“Malar is a big black kitty-man with a huuuuuge cock! And He wants to destroy civilization!”

It’s Alex’s turn to give Gaia a funny look. She incredulously asks, “That’s it?”

“There’s more to know?”

“The Black-Blooded Beast is primarily a god of predators. He demands worshippers to practice the hunt, to slay and eat the innocent. On most worlds where He has influence, His sentient followers are basically all werewolves. Not the cute little animal-girl thing you have going for you. Actual, tear people limb from limb werewolves. I can see how you’d want to blow up the Dam in His name, but the girl we’ve seen here doesn’t seem to want to do that sort of stuff.”

“Saving the planet from humans? I am starting to see how humans can be a part of the environment, but not how to get humans to get there. Still, is this where you tell me to worship your goddess instead, like the nice blasphemers Skye and Nyadia? How big is Her cock?”

Alex blinks. The angel then answers, “She doesn’t... have one?”

“Pass.”

“Wait. What?”

“Fantasizing about giving Malar a blow job in kitty-man form is like 75% of my worship activity. The other 25% is actually about striking against the evils of civilization. Eating out a naked purple girl just isn’t the same, especially after being with Mona. I don’t want to make the kid jealous.”

Bella is laughing hysterically in the back. Alex pinches the bridge of her nose, not making eye contact. She sighs, “So, if I can find you a male god that better aligns with your actual values, you are willing to shift your religious devotion to him?”

“As long as He has a great big cock. I am not into small penis encouragement.”

Alex doesn’t look up. She just sighs, “I’ll see what I can do. In the meantime, can you please limit how overtly you do your current worship thing?”

Nodding, Gaia sips her tea and feeds her bunny some nice lettuce leaves. “I can try.”

They settle down after that, enjoying tea and bunnies. Alex is apparently a rock band. That’s fun.

Craig

This place reeks. The rank odor of unwashed bodies, spilled seed, and stale air fills the network of tunnels Craig and the town guard are marching through. It burns in his nose and he can taste it all in the air. The guard, in general, seem less bothered by it. Sure, some of the wolf-folk are holding their noses too, but they are mostly just ignoring the smell.

If the troops are reacting at all, they seem nervous. Almost as if they thought that the show of ****, the clank of dozens of soldiers in full plate armor, would be enough to convince the Foot Fetish Clan to surrender. They have not run into a single fetishist in the tunnels.

Craig has been assigned to assist the biggest, ugliest men in the strike ****. He diligently follows them as the number of troops around him dwindles. They are covering all the exits, with clear orders: subdue until they surrender, defend yourself in the meantime. Craig was hoping for a simple extermination; he hates the nuance.

His “bosses” for the fight stop. They see what awaits them. A whole slew of smelly rat-men, dressed in robes featuring a foot making the ahegao face. They are sitting, facing away from him. Each rat-man has a muzzle filled with buck teeth, curved rat ears, a sword on their hips, a large erect dick jutting up in the air, and gross long rat tails sticking behind them. The smell of stale bodies and stale cum is overpowering.

A rat-man in fancier robes stands on stage, bellowing, “Fellow Foot Fetish Clansmen! We are on the precipice of greatness! Once, the ratfinks were a proud and noble people, as feared in these lands as ultraviolions and goblins are in theirs. Then, we became soft, lured into the easy lifestyle brought to us by the screens!”

The crowd hisses, “The screens!”

“That’s right,” the speaker continues, “the screens! The screens brought us easy access to porn! We stayed below, in our nests, and spend time and treasure for the thots on the other end! But we, the Foot Fetish Clan, embrace the old ways, the better ways! We use the screens to make our own porn, consequences be damned! We find the prettiest and the sluttiest feet and we take pictures of them! No more cowering to the thots! We will take the sights of them without paying! And, if we find feet pretty enough, we bring them here, in our lair, for us to ogle and worship as we please! Bring in the feet whores!”

The speaker directs to a side of the stage. Instead of feet whores, the bikini armor clad dyke stomps forward, shouting, “In the name of the Queen, you are all under arrest for the creation and distribution of illegal pornography, plus several **** charges. Surrender!”

The room bursts into chaos. The speaker charges at the dyke, only to have his head sliced clean off in one stroke. The crowds charge, some at her, some towards the spaces past the stage, some straight at him.

This is it! Time to finally get my XP!

Craig feels something rising up in him. His cock strains against his fucking cage. It’s more than just arousal, it’s anger. The kind of feeling that rocks through him when he’s fully hilted in some whore. He growls and snaps at the nearest rat-man. Blood rushes into his mouth and it tastes good. A sword slices into his flank and he barely feels in. A crossbow bolt sinks into his shoulder.

He starts laughing and gnashes his teeth again. The rat-man falls in a sickening crush. He spins and sinks his teeth in the other rat-man’s biceps, shaking his jaws to tear flesh as he finally lets go.

More!

The rat-men try to kill him. A couple of bolts bounce off of him, aimed poorly enough to not overcome his muscly bloodlust. He barely registers the guards thrusting spears past him and into the rats. He crushes the throat of one rat with his jaws and snaps hard into another.

More!

Craig feels the fangs for the first time. He growls, flexing and grunting. It’s trying to do something but he overcomes. The other blows don’t hurt. Some of the bolts whiz past his head, aimed behind him. He doesn’t care. He snaps twice; another rat dead, another rat hurt.

More!

The bolts stop. The one close to him keeps fighting for a moment, but runs after another bite. Craig chases, pounces, rends his windpipe out. He bounds into another, only to be pulled aside.

“Stop, Craig!”

Craig: +8 XP (Killed 4 Level 2 Monsters)

Craig: -1 XP (Attacked a Surrendered Foe)

Craig: +10 BP (cage w/ Mona holding key)