An Odd Day at the Archives

The Grand Archive of the Harem Hotel Network was nestled safely on the far side of a star that was perpetually a few seconds away from going supernova. A gift from a pair of the show's oldest sponsors, its lofty halls and winding corridors stretched in every direction, each one full of shelves and cabinets stuffed with information about every season of the multiverse's most cherished reality dating show. Without proper directions, one could explore its stacks until they died of old age without seeing the same place twice. Although one would likely be expelled for loitering by its eldritch overseer long before then. It was both a lynchpin in the record-keeping process and a monument to the innumerable powers, goddesses, and monsters who had helped bring their production to dominance through a sheer **** of will that could create universes from dust.

And the staffroom's coffee machine was broken again.

Herb stared at the blinking red light on the hulking brass contraption with quiet despair. He had been working at the archive for a couple of months now, having been transferred in to replace the previous assistant archivist when she left to take a Hosting position of all things. He hadn't been able to imagine why anyone would want to do that, but after a few encounters with The Archivist, he thought it was probably an even trade.

He wasn't afraid of the colossal curator, even if the hundreds of eyes on Its shining golden wings were a bit creepy. It was just that the old bird was so demanding! It was like It expected Herb to be able to answer any question about any season at the drop of a hat. He was still getting used to the non-Euclidean filing system and remembering to wear the correct protective goggles before attempting to sort the 'Anomalous Realities' section, and the bird was already asking him to cross-reference the romantic history of a "Jasper" who'd been on the show in seven different universes, three of which had been pruned from the main timeline. As if he had that memorized already.

Which was why he was here, in the staff lounge during his lunch break. Sprawled on a battered couch that smelled faintly of brimstone, a precarious stack of glowing blue folders floated in a shimmering, humming bubble of contained spacetime before him. Each folder represented a contestant, a "character" in the show's grand narrative, a real life that had been pulled into the magical television phenomenon that was 'Harem Hotel'. He'd been pulling a few hundred every day, committing them to memory. Hopefully, in a few decades he'd be up to snuff. Thank the Producers for non-linear time.

OK, so Daisy W. (Skye season 1DN3781) was a Senator who's now a goblin girl, and Daisy C. (Sally season 1DR1337) is the gaming store owner's daughter who's in the body of Princess Peach, and her sister is in the body of Princess... Daisy? But the sister's name is Alex and ... oh Producers there are so many Alexes.

Herb groaned loud enough to catch the attention of two short figures who were sitting at a nearby table, a pair of Imps who were always hanging around. Dee, the blue one, had is feet up on the table as he watched the clock, while Vee, the red one, was bouncing in his seat, tail twitching as he stared at the door. They were the show runners for one of the new beta seasons of the show, and were apparently waiting for a meeting with The Archivist to give their progress report.

Vee, noticing Herb's distress, hopped off his chair and trotted over. "What's the matter, big guy? Long day?"

Herb jumped, nearly upsetting the fragile containment field around the files. "Oh! Vee. Dee. Didn't see you there. Just, uh, studying."

Dee smirked. "Hard to fill Terra's shoes, huh?" The cruel Imp teased as he looked at the files Herb was trying to commit to memory. "Well, looks like you'll probably not be here long anyway. The Archivist is probably trying to pick which book It doesn't mind getting idiot-assistant all over."

Vee elbowed his brother in the side but then looked back with a worried expression. "Uh, yeah dude, you know you aren't supposed to take too many of those out at a time, right? The filing system here is old, like... Old Ones old, and if you make a mistake putting them back it could cause some issues."

Herb winced, but then replied, "I'm being careful. It's just a lot. Just going through all of Arabella and Cassandra seasons is going to take me years."

"Should have been watching the show all along, then you wouldn't need to catch up," bragged the red Imp. "What are you stuck on right now?"

"I'm just trying to work through some of the most frequently used names. Did you know we could fill Earth's Grand Canyon with just Olivias?"

"Olivia C, Olivia H, Olivia W... " Vee listed a few off, a dreamy look on his face. "They should do an all-Olivia season. That would be the best."

"Eh. Olivia B. would still spend the whole time complaining," Dee replied, complaining.

"Which Olivia B? Booker or Brown?" his brother asked.

Frustrated, Herb leaned back and covered his face with his hands. "Can you two just leave me alone so I can study?"

Vee flew over and patted the high-strung assistant on the shoulder. "Hey, c'mon dude. Harem Hotel is great! Knowing and debating about all the contestants is fun, and the best way to remember them. You need to start thinking like an Imp."

With a blank stare, Herb asked, "Crudely and mainly in stream of consciousness?"

"Like a fan!" the red Imp declared. "Tell me this. Who's your favorite Ashley?"

Herb started to think. He knew there were a lot of Ashleys in their files, but choosing a favorite?

Not wanting to wait any longer, Vee answered first. "Mine's Ashley P. One of the newer masters. He's got a ways to go but he's already made some moves. Plus, he wants to make sure his whole Harem makes it through!"

Dee laughed, "Good luck to him on that season. Ora is spectacular chaos, and Sahara is apparently allergic to VP." He looked at Herb, "Ashley C. Yuki 65CR784. Look it up if you like bimbos and existential dread."

....

A few hours later, Herb was arguing with the Imps about whether Riley B's performance on Arabella 276453L1 was already better than whatever potential Riley M had shown on Violet's sadly cancelled season, when he realized he was having fun.

The conversation was flowing and for the first time all week, he felt less like a drowning man and more like a swimmer in choppy waters. He could keep up, even throw in a few obscure references of his own.

"Okay, here's one," he said as he grabbed the next file from his stack, careful to keep it balanced in his little bubble of halted space-time. "Amelia S. from Leah1.000000 or Amelia C. from Sylvia 1IH3528?"

Immediately, the temperature in the room seemed to dip. The Imps turned to each other with fierce looks. Apparently, this was an old argument for the two.

"Amelia C. is awesome. A melting ice queen in her own stepson's Harem? Think about the drama, the emotions, the misunderstandings!" The red Imp stated his case with such passion that he flitted about on his tiny red wings.

Dee sneered. "If they were actually going to end up doing anything, maybe. I swear, no respect for the classics. Amelia S. was the first elimination. A trailblazer in a French maid costume. Some things are sacred." He gestured with an almost religious reverence. "She was nominated for a star on the Walk of Fame!"

"She was in like three episodes! For two of them she just sort of... stood there and stared vacantly!" Vee shot back. "That's not a character! That's a prop!"

"Her role was to be hot and create drama by getting eliminated early! She did her job perfectly!"

They were nose-to-nose now, their little wings beating the air, their tails lashing like angry cats. Herb couldn't help but laugh. "I started with Leah's, obviously, and Sylvia's season is a long one, but I'll look forward to seeing Amelia C. too. Thank you guys, this really helped."

Unfortunately, the Imps had stopped listening after his first sentence, Dee floating up a few inches so he could look down smugly at his brother. "See? Can't beat the original."

Fed up, Vee shoved his brother, sending him end over end backwards. Herb made a futile grab at his bubble as the blue Imp's small body smashed into his folders, sending them tumbling to the ground.

All three stared down at the ground before Dee finally broke the silence. "Well, that's going to suck for you, Herbie."

Vee tried to reassure the panicking employee. "Don't worry, we'll help you sort-"

It was then that a burst of crackly static flared from the cafeteria's PA system, and a tinny voice announced. "Show runners Dee and Vee, the Archivist will see you now."

"Uh... just remember everything we told you!" the red Imp finished quickly, as the pair headed for the door. "We'll check in with you after our meeting, just in case, but I'm sure you've got this!"

Once they were in the hallway, Dee turned to his brother. "He's screwed, isn't he?"

"Have a little faith, bro. We'll be back in an hour. What's the worst that could happen?"