All I got for Christmas was a weird STD.

The doctor was starring at the test results and he had trouble

"Don't tell me, you've never seen anything like it," Donny remarks.

"On the contrary," said Dr. Townsend, "the tests have everything right here."

"Really?"

"Well, kind of. It says here that you've contracted both Herpes and Human Papillomavirus since your last visit, both of them rare strains."

"...okay?" Donny didn't like the answer, but he was still confused. "Do herpes and HPV usually cause this?"

"Well, some strains of herpes virus can cause severe skin irritation, but I have no idea what this is."

Donny was referring to the long, continuous red stripe on his skin that looped around his limbs, torso and head. It made him look like a giant candy cane.

"As for this unusual pigmentation... I don't know what to tell you! How long did you say you had it?"

"Since Christmas."

"Were you exposed to anything you might believe could have caused this?"

Donny actually did. In fact, he had guessed what it could have been the moment he had gotten it, but he wasn't sure what to tell the Doctor. He could have him put away for the sheer audacity of it.