Alide and Dahlia Review Dark Lord by Unknown7

"You know, we showed up once before to respond to a review of our story, The Tower of Voices-"

"Which isn't in fact our story, we're basically minor npcs in it..."

"Yes, thank you Dahlia... anyway, we haven't actually reviewed anything ourselves though, so let's do that shall we?"

"Sure, why not"

"For those who don't know us, I am Alide,"

"and I am Dahlia... Dahlia, not Dehlia, spell it right Gambio!"

"Still not over that, huh?"

"Never"

"Regardless, together we're the incredibly sexy, tower sisters, guides and merchants to the chosen who ascend our mystical Tower, The Tower of Voices. Today the two of us will be reading..."

"By which you mean TheLeherengin will be reading and then writing our opinions on..."

"Dark Lord by Unknown7,"

"Indeed, but we're no fucking scrubs like the other people doing reviews here! We're thorough! We're going to make sure to cover every path and choice in this story-"

"Assuming they are written by the original author,"

"-and then we're going to comment on the whole thing!"

"and then apparently TheLeherengin is going to get drunk as 'fuck'"

"I thought if TheLeherengin drinks **** she'll die because of her condition?"

"That might have been the point"

"Oh... Oh we're in for a bad one aren't we?"

"She seems to think so..."

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

"Jesus that BGM choice..."

"Right, onto the story... So the very first thing about this that bothers me is that... The main character is supposed to be us according to the very first chapter. 'we' are in 'our' room and click on this story and then get teleported to this world of Arizelle according to literally the first chapter in the story, then the immediate choice is to choose between two characters who are very clearly not us and the story even switches to third person never going back to second person at any point in the story?"

"That is pretty annoying, I mean imagine if it was a second person story and we could name the character and then the choice was just between male or female gender, it would be great. Dark Lady Dahlia conquering the world-"

"By punching women in the cunt, primarily?"

"Uh well... I mean maybe sometimes, but I think I'd use more dignified metho-"

"Then lucky for you you are not the main character cause that seems to be all they do to solve their problems,"

"Oh..."

"We're doing the longer Fred Smith path first,"

"Admittedly watching a chosen go through the path just punching all the monsters in the genitals would be kind of funny,"

"Perhaps, but in this case it's mostly just annoying, it's like... It's trying to be funny, but it's not. I mean maybe it is if you're like 7 years old, but it just comes off as childish and makes the main character seem like an idiot, which... I mean that at least seems like it's intentional. Oh god I hope it's intentional..."

"Also I am weirdly disappointed that Farsel's first name isn't also something backwards... I mean if you're going to make her last name obviously pendragon backwards, at least make her first name also something backwards... Like um... Flekrad Nogardnep"

"That is a terrible name..."

"I mean the addition of Nogardnep as her last name already makes her name irredeemably silly, so just go all the way!"

"How much more of this story is there, by the way, feels like we've been reading for hours?"

"Well I believe we've read all of... three paragraphs..."

"Fuck me..."

"Maybe later..."

"Wait... Wait wait wait! Are we sexually involved with each other? Cause we're like sisters aren't we?"

"You know I don't think it's clear if we're actually legitimately sisters?"

"wait... I feel like we've had basically this exact conversation before..."

"Indeed we did... In our response to the review of our story by Marcie and Gina we also questioned if we were actually blood related..."

"Oh... I get it..."

"Hmm?"

"TheLeherengin is stalling,"

"Ah..."

"Come on, girl! You can do it! We have to at least finish one actual page before you can quit on us,"

"I can't... I hate this story, so so much..."

"Oh wow... I did not expect you to actually respond..."

"This story is ass and it physically hurts me and somehow reading Unknown7's in character reviews just makes it all so much worse. They keep talking about how Marcie and Gina from Hard Candy are loathesome protagonists, but my god Unknown7's characters are fucking awful. Irredeemable and like... having a character who's a villain or an asshole is fine, but like, you need to walk a sort of line. We still have to have some reason we want to follow this asshole character. Marcie and Gina whether you think they're bad people or not they are at least interesting. You want to see how things turn out, but Fred Smith is just an asshole and he's not even compelling. This story would be literally 100% better if he was removed and like... I don't even fucking know... Farsel was the main character... and I say that, but I don't even really like her either... She's a parody character at best... All the characters in this are either unlikeable or uninteresting. It's like... Okay you know what... I don't watch porn, part of the reason I don't watch porn is because I don't find just sex sexy and anytime they try to actually have a story in porn the characters are the most bland, generic things on the planet... Now that's a generalization of course, but the point is... Unknown7's characters are like porn characters..."

"Um, is this still our review?"

"Also you realize you are complaining that characters in a pornographic story act like characters from porn, right?"

"... Fuck it... Okay I'll keep fucking reading and we'll see about getting further..."

"Thank you,"

"The scene of Fred **** Farsel isn't even hot..."

"Shh, go away, we're the ones reviewing here,"

"She's right though. The sex scenes in this suck... Like I love a good descriptive sex scene, A Party Gone Wrong was amazing at that, but the sex scene for Fred **** Farsel is literally just one line... Well two technically, one for him **** her cunt and one for him **** her ass,"

"I don't think it's hypocritical to also comment on the fact the entire **** scene is played like a joke,"

"I mean yes... While TheLeherengin writes plenty of **** scenes, she does at least try to give them the gravity she feels they deserve, dark Jokes in the bad ending titles not withstanding, and while there's nothing saying you can't make **** a joke in your porn story, it does leave a bad taste in my mouth,"

"And like... If Fred treated it casually that's fine on it's own, he's an asshole and the one **** her and he believes it's just a dream, but like the actual writing of the scene treats it so casually as well... The only weight it gets emotionally or narratively is that she's sobbing in the sentence afterwards which is basically an after thought as the story moves on to other things happening..."

"Also she tries to shoot a fireball at him and there's not even any mention of him dodging it... It just... isn't addressed at all. He just says fuck you and then hits her in the cunt again,"

"If I have to give any credit... The idea that he uses Farsel as a trap check is ruthless and dark and I love it and the trap failing because it just hadn't been refilled is at least mildly funny,"

"I do hate how even though this is in his head a dream, we don't get any logic behind any of his decisions. He just decides to **** Farsel because it's a dream and I mean... Okay I guess, but then he just decides to tell the dragon to kill the mercenaries for no real reason. Up to that point they had been pretty happily working for him after he paid them with Farsel's money so why would he just suddenly decide to kill them,"

"Also I find it doubtful that a single newly born dragon who we know for a fact has at least some **** squishy parts was able to kill all the armed, and presumably trained, mercenaries without being seriously injured?"

"Alright... so we decided to fuck the dragon, because why not and we didn't get to fuck the dragon. Farsel had a more descriptive sex scene with the dragon involving just a bit of groping and the insertion of fingers then the entirety of her own **** scene, still terribly written though,"

"Also so we decided to see what happens if we decide the dragon does submit and... story is unfinished... also the dragon is just suddenly referred to as Daenerys without that ever being explained before hand so... that's cool..."

"Right so we got an ending there, guess it's time to go with 'no', I bet Farsel gets hit in the cunt again,"

"And you're wrong, but we did get a lame sex scene between Fred and The Dragon and now here the dragon is named Daenerys and apparently Fred decides to call himself Darth Vader... they then leave and find a farm... Except they don't actually. The choice given is that they either do find a farm or they ignore the farm that they... didn't find?"

"also ignoring the farm is another unfinished route, so let's not ignore the farm!"

"Actually noticing a pattern we went back first. There was an earlier path we didn't take so I decided to take it and try to leave the catacombs instead of trying to fuck the dragon and... unfinished path... I am starting to think this story may be more linear than it seems,"

"Worse than that... the unfinished path there is literally just the exact same as choosing to fuck the dragon and then choosing no to submitting, except there's no lame Fred on Daenerys sex scene and it's all condensed into one scene instead of two scenes separated by a choice,"

"Anyway... To the farm!"

"Oh we get a lovely choice of whether or not to **** the farm girl... Which I imagine was the same choice we would have gotten in the yes path, except the dragon would have been missing?"

"Probably and Unknown7 couldn't be bothered to write a version of those scenes without the dragon I guess?"

"Like I'm not going to complain about this because TheLeherengin does it all the time where there are scenes that are basically just copy and pasted with minor adjustments to account for different choices, most notably in The Hunter story where most of the sex scenes are exactly the same for the male or female character just with one having references to the character having a cock and the other being references to the character having a cunt. What I am going to complain about is if you are basically just going to have the same fucking scene copy and pasted with minor adjustments, you have basically no excuse to not actually have both scenes written. The fact one path stops where it does when the next part of that path was essentially already written on a different path is just laziness..."

"Anyway so we're **** Sara the farm girl... I think the hottest part of this story if there is anything hot about this is just the idea that Daenerys is technically a sweet innocent child and we're an evil bastard convincing her to do evil things, it's got kind of a nice corruption angle to it there... Which is appropriate since it almost feels unintentional..."

"Oh... Ugh... He fucked her ass... then without cleaning up he fucked her mouth... I'm going to be sick..."

"I mean he hasn't cleaned up at all since he fucked Farsel's ass and he's fucked Daenerys' cunt, Sara's cunt, Ass and mouth,"

"Oh god... You're right... Poor Daenerys is going to get such a terrible infection,"

"I think it's better we just pretend that asses are perfectly clean all the time and there's no problem,"

"Okay... Yeah I think I'd throw up otherwise,"

"Went back to check the path where Fred doesn't **** the random farm girl... Also didn't he come to this farm looking for a quest?"

"Anyway so, taking the other path Fred attempts to recruit the farm girl Sara and there's something about cows? Once again the answers to the choice are themselves questions instead of answers that are unrelated to anything that was stated in the story so far. The choice suddenly has "What about the cows?" and "Forget about the cows" nothing about cows has been brought up yet though and will only be brought up in the resulting chapter... This is not how you set up your choices you weird, weird person..."

"Anyway taking the forget the cows route gets another unfinished story end and well... There's no easy way to say this..."

"I think Unknown7 might be a fucking Incel?"

"Well that would be the not nice way to say it... The chapter here talks about how Fred has a big dick, but still couldn't get girls because they were too shallow too look past his lack of social skills or the fact he was overweight... This is... incredibly uncomfortable. For one thing the position that the size of his dick would change their opinion is gross and hypocritically extremely shallow itself. The attitude of "it's not my fault it's that women are all shallow and refuse to put the work in to get to know me" reeks of nice guy bullshit and if it was the character saying that, that would be one thing, but this is part of the narration, implying it's something the writer or at least the narrator believes to be true..."

"Also it's super easy to not get hit with a fake **** allegation... Don't be a creepy fuck,"

"I mean there's probably more of an actual argument there, but in general yes what she said,"

"Well now I feel ill for a very different reason than earlier..."

"The option to not forget the cows and the option to **** Sara both seem to actually continue for quite a bit so... we'll stop here for now and we'll do one and then the other next time,"

"Goodbye everyone... We hope to hear from you in the Tower!"