“Hey, Mom, meet my girlfriend…”

“So, where’s this merry band off to?” Saccharine snorted, tapping her tiny foot impatiently while John and Red had made their way downstairs.

“Well, I’ve got to go home and prove to my mom I haven’t been kidnapped,” John explained.

“I’d love to meet your Ma!” Red laughed, poking him teasingly.

John had mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, he’d love to show off Red to his mom, but at the same time, he knew she’d make a big fuss out of it in that way parents always did, and John wasn’t sure he was ready to live through that embarrassment yet.

“Anyway, first I’m gonna have to run a little experiment,” John continued, preparing to cast Escape I.D.. “Thanks to my powers I can just warp in and out of this barrier, but it’s not guaranteed to do the same for you. My hope is that since you’re both in my party, I’ll be given the option to take you with me.”

John’s hypothesis was quickly proven correct as he cast the spell, when a popup appeared on his HUD.

Bring Party? Yes/No

Moments later they were standing in the same small alley that he’d entered the barrier from the day before. “Sweet, it worked,” John said, perhaps unnecessarily.

“No kidding,” Saccharine said, looking around at the dirty alley in confusion. “But what shady shit are you about to get us into? Where the stinking fuck even are we?”

“We’re in Springfield, USA?” John replied with a slight frown.

Red squealed in excitement at John’s statement. “Oh, we’re in America?! How exciting! I’ve wanted to go for so long.”

“Wait, you didn’t know the barrier was in America?” John’s frown deepened, thinking that it would be obvious where their destination lay.

Red regarded him as if trying to ascertain whether he was joking or not. “Gaia’s Barrier isn’t in the US, John,” she finally said. “It’s located in Europe. How you managed to get to it from here is beyond me.”

“One of my abilities, I guess,” John justified, accepting her words as true. He had no reason to think Red a liar; besides, stranger things had happened than being teleported halfway across the world to enter an Instant Dungeon. “Weird, I thought I’d just entered an American barrier like usual.”

“Because our distinctly American accents and all the bald eagles gave it away?” Saccharine asked. “No? There you go, you were't in Kansas. Speaking of which, you better have some damn good shit at your place. Gran ordered me off the manor’s booze so I’ve been dry for far too fucking long.”

“I’m sure I can find something for you,” John chuckled as they crossed the street and entered the park. It was early morning, so hardly anyone was about, save for the occasional jogger or gardener.

As a precautionary measure, Saccharine had to hide inside Red’s cloak, a measure she was all too happy to comply with. “I’ve no desire to wind up as a shitstain for someone to step in later,” she said, making a kind of hammock out of the hood of the cloak to hide herself in. John had to admit the fairy looked delightfully cute snuggled up in Red’s hood, and he had to fight off the urge to poke her the cheek.

All of a sudden, John’s pocket rumbled. ‘Oh no,’ John thought as he checked the source. Five missed calls from his mom, and many more texts. He was gonna be in so much shit. John sent her a quick text, assuring her he was okay and would be home by breakfast time.

Along the way home, John managed to find a 24 hour pharmacy. The clerk, a tired looking woman in her mid-twenties who looked like she had pulled a night shift, looked curiously at Red as they came in, likely wondering why someone was dressed up as Little Red Riding Hood. ‘Little does she know,’ John thought wryly, then realising he couldn’t quite explain how Red even existed. ‘I mean, the fairy tale’s a few centuries old now, right?’ John wondered, determining to try and solve the riddle some time. Anyway, the clerk smirked at John as he presented his purchase, before kindly offering Red a cup of water. It was forty bucks well spent, and they were soon on their way again without any drama, arriving at John’s place soon after.

“Oh, before we enter, I should warn you that my mom doesn’t know about the Abyss,” John said hurriedly. “And I’d like to keep it that way. So are you okay with staying hidden?” he asked the Dessert Fairy.

“Mhm,” Saccharine sighed, her tone surprisingly pleasant for a change. “If it means I can hide in here, fuck yes. I could sleep through a fucking winter in this hood.”

“Yeah, no, that’s not gonna happen,” Red said with a chuckle. “You snore like a bloody elephant playing the trumpet. I don’t want that in my ears all night.”

“What?!” Saccharine voiced with great outrage as her face turned a tomato red. “I do not snore!”

“Do too,” Red replied, sticking out her tongue.

“I don’t! This is defamation! Don’t believe her, John!” Saccharine huffed before wrapping herself in the red hood and ending the argument with a sullen silence.

While Red took a moment to contain her laughter, John unlocked the front door before taking his leather chest piece and boots out of his inventory so that he was physically carrying them. “Welcome to my home, I guess,” John said trying to hide his nervousness behind a casual tone. “I know it has nothing on your mansion, but still-”

“It’s lovely,” Red complimented, taken by the homely atmosphere of the place. She paused at a family photo, framed and sitting on the hallways cupboard. “You mentioned your mom would be home… what about your pa?”

“Dad’s never really around, always going overseas on business trips,” John sighed, not particularly wanting to talk about his father. It wasn’t that they didn’t get along, but his dad just hadn’t been there for him in the same way his mom had. Besides, John wasn’t exactly keen to start complaining about his own father to Red; his issues looked woefully inadequate next to hers.

They found John’s mother pacing the living room nervously and nursing a cup of coffee in her hands. Her face radiated relief when she saw John, and she rushed over to envelop him in a hug. “Oh, John! I was worried!” she said, and for a moment, it seemed like John might get away with the stint he pulled. Then the figurative dam burst, and John was drowned in the torrent that followed. “How dare you not leave so much as a text before running off God knows where all night. Where have you been? You’re filthy. Why are you carrying armour? And what is that smell? Are you in trouble? I thought your nose was broken. Who is this? Why is she dressed that way?” Brenda Newman finally slowed her rapid-fire **** long enough for John to get a word in.

Thankfully, John had spent the entire walk home thinking of an alibi, and he was rather proud of it too. “I’m sorry mom, I should have told you. There was a costume party last night,” he explained, gesturing to his armour and Red’s own ‘costume’. “Oh, uh, and meet Re- I mean Charlene,” John stumbled. Calling her Red might lead to some questions John didn’t quite want asked. “She’s my-”

“Hello! I’m John’s girlfriend!” Red cut in, sweetly smiling at his mom.

“Girlfriend?” Brenda gaped, her eyes looking to tear up. “My John has a girlfriend?!” John wasn’t sure whether to be amused or insulted by the utter disbelief in her voice. Either way, she seemed thrilled with the revelation, any outrage directed at John dissipating in its wake. “Oh my, you look like such a darling in that costume; it suits you perfectly, Charlene!” his mother continued, moving over to Red and hugging her.

‘No kidding,’ John quietly chuckled, still not quite wrapping his own head around the fact that he’d slept with Little Red Riding Hood.

“Please, just call me Charlie, Mrs. Newman,” Red smiled while returning the hug.

“Well then I insist you call me Brenda!” his mom replied, breaking away from Red and beaming at the both of them. “So, how long have the two of you been together?”

“Since last night,” John admitted as Red snuggled into his arm. His mom probably suspected as much anyway.

Brenda acknowledged his answer with a nod of her head. “Well… how about I cook some breakfast while you two clean up? Charlie, you’re welcome to use my bathroom, unless you two planned on sharing?” she asked with a light smirk playing on her lips and without the slightest trace of being upset or disgusted by the idea.

“Mmm, if only I wasn’t still sore after last night,” Red replied suggestively, poking John teasingly.

John couldn’t believe she’d said that to his mom.

“Well, I hope my son wasn’t too rough with you,” Brenda frowned, her eyes drifting to John and looking at him disapprovingly.

“Nothing I didn’t ask for,” Red winked and teasingly licked his cheek.

“Excuse me while I go find some rope,” John mumbled, his cheeks flushed a bright red. He’d been resigned to embarrassment, not a conversation about their sexual life.

“Oh, don’t be so melodramatic, John. People have needs that need to be tended to,” Brenda said sagely. “As long as it’s all consensual, of course, I have no problem with it.”

“Right, well… we’re gonna head to my room,” John announced, taking Red by the hand and leading her towards the stairs, **** to end the ****.

“Okay,” Brenda said. Amused at her son’s flustered behaviour, she couldn’t help but make one more jibe. “Just remember to use protection!”