(Chapter V.I) Budget Cuts

The journey has been long, the cliffs steep, but you have ventured far north, slaying an untold number of Dark Mercenary and Maiden Thieves along the way. And yet, though you have travelled perhaps a third the way to the Capital, there’s been none of the signs of civilization that you’ve come to expect: the roads are empty, the small hamlets sit with empty firepits, the WiFi only has two bars at best.

Indeed, all that you’ve encountered is Dark Mercenary after Dark Mercenary, countless dashing ladies felled by your blade, and you wonder if life has more to offer.

“HEY, GREAT NEWS KIDDO,” a familiar voice booms from the Heavens.

“Oh shit!” you yell, quickly pulling up your breeches.

“WHAT WERE YOU DOING JUST NOW?” the voice booms, intimidating.

“Nothing,” you answer meekly, scratching your head, looking from side to side.

“LOL WHO AM I KIDDING, I KNOW EVERYTHING. WELL, ALMOST EVERYTHING. BUT I KNOW MANY THINGS, AND ONE OF THOSE THINGS IS THAT YOU WERE JUST MASTURBATING AND I CAUGHT YOU IN THE ACT OF IT HAHAHA.”

“No! I was just checking myself for genital warts,” you adamantly contradict.

“YOU HAVE SEVEN,” the Lord Cage tells you. “WHOOPS, NO, SIX. THAT ONE’S JUST THE TIP OF YOUR COCK.”

“My cock isn’t that ugly,” you protest, but you swear you can see the Heavens shrugging their shoulders, light rolling out of the sky in waves.

“ANYWAYS, I WAS HERE TO INFORM YOU THAT YOU HAVE FINALLY SLAIN ENOUGH ENEMIES TO LEVEL UP. CONGRATULATIONS!”

With your belt buckle now undone, and your eyes squinted to count the six warts, you suddenly feel yourself surrounded by a magical wreath of light that spins around you. A choir of angels descends and sings an A-sharp minor chord.

“Well, this is fancy,” you say.

“DON’T EXPECT IT NEXT TIME,” Lord Cage says. “BUDGET CUTS ARE INCOMING.”

“So, about that Bandit Viscountess,” you say. “Why don’t you just deal with her? I’m having some trouble with the job.”

“OH, YOU NO LONGER WANT TO FUCK HER TITS? I HAD THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD ENJOY THIS QUEST, BUT MAYBE I AM MISTAKEN.”

“No, no,” you say, shaking your head. “But I was just wondering, you know, if you’re all powerful and all knowing and all that, why you didn’t just deal with this problem yourself.”

“I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT I DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING. AND THE BUDGET CUTS MEAN THAT I CAN NO LONGER DO EVERYTHING EITHER. ANYWAYS, THE POINT IS THAT THE BANDIT VISCOUNTESS IS HIDING FROM ME USING SOME DARK MAGIC SO I CAN’T DEAL WITH HER, WHICH IS WHY YOU MUST.”

“Oh, sorry to hear that,” you say.

“APOLOGY ACCEPTED,” the voice booms, and then you are left alone by the Rad Cliffs once more.