(Chapter V.II) Finding the Bandit Viscountess

As you’re about to depart from the Rad Cliffs, you spy a magical glowing map lying on the ground.

“THIS IS A MAGIC MAP,” the magic map reads, “SO CALLED BECAUSE EVEN ILLITERATE PALADINS LIKE YOU CAN READ IT.”

You are vaguely insulted.

After having spent all these recent days around words and letters, you’re now able to recognize the letter “P”. And with 26 letters in the alphabet, that means you are like, 4% literate now. So really, what gives the map the right to say that you’re illiterate?

“YEAH KNOWING ONE LETTER DOESN’T MAKE YOU LITERATE, YOU DINGUS,” the map continues on the next line. “ANYWAYS, HERE’S A MAP OF WHAT I CAN SEE. HAVE FUN. SIGNED, LORD CAGE THE LUMINOUS.”

You stare at the map. It appears to be a map of your kingdom. In the bottom left corner, you spy the little village you hail from. It’s surrounded by farmland and thick woods, the latter of which is filled with tiny icons of maidens and their maiden thieves, drawn as cartoon stick figures.

Following the coastline and highway north a short distance, and you come across the Rad Cliffs. There is, next to the flashing “YOU ARE HERE” sign, a large number of stick-figure women holding pointing sticks in black cloaks. These, you gather with your powers of deduction, must be the Dark Mercenaries.

You experimentally try waving at one of them, and are slightly disappointed when they all remain stationary. Not much of a magic map, this one.

But then, you smile in childish delight as you spy a Paladin dressed in golden shining armor by the Rad cliffs next to the text that reads “YOU ARE HERE”.

“That’s me!” you scream excitedly, jabbing your finger at the map.

“INDEED, THAT ONE IS YOU,” the map says. “NOW, WILL YOU GET ON FINDING THE BANDIT VISCOUNTESS?”

“But none of them have big tits,” you complain, squinting at the map again.

“WELL THEY ARE STICK FIGURES SO NONE OF THEM WOULD HAVE BIG TITS,” the map explains. The lines of text have now covered the top third of the map, but luckily, your little corner of the kingdom is relegated to the bottom bits, so nothing important has been covered up yet. Just the Capital and some stodgy places like that. “BUT ANYWAYS, I ALREADY TOLD YOU I CAN’T FIND THE BANDIT VISCOUNTESS, SO SHE’S NOT ON THIS MAP.”

“Wait, I got it!” you say excitedly.

You point at a dark blotch by the Rad Cliffs, an area of territory almost precisely one stick-figure large.

“You can’t see here, can you,” you say.

“NO, THAT’S WHY IT’S BLACK,” the map says.

“Well, I bet you that’s where the Bandit Viscountess is hiding!” you intuit. Feeling very proud, you pat yourself on the back.

“OH, WELL IF YOU SAY SO,” the map says.

“I just did,” you crow, and then you are off, heading towards that black part of the map, sure of your analysis.

You don’t notice the fact that the rest of the kingdom appears to also be covered in a thick layer of the same black splotches, and you certainly don’t consider what that might imply.