Too Hot Out To Fuck

Being in New Jersey never really worked for me. I only went there when I had to. A visit for Christmas, a visit at some point during the summer to keep my parents happy. It was July and I was spending two weeks in Boonton. I didn’t do much. I woke up at noon. I went for a run until I got too hot. I ate crab dip on gluten free crackers. I masturbated four or five times a day to random shit on Youtube, mostly Lana Del Rey music videos. I stayed up until 3AM smoking ancient already vaped weed. I did random shit like collect sticks and whittle them into spears. I did even randomer shit like take those spears out into the woods and throw them at groundhogs. One time one of the spears randomly hit a groundhog. He didn’t die. He just got kind of pissed and I got scared and ran away as fast as I could. I don’t know if groundhogs can get rabies. I pictured his enormous front **** digging into the flesh on my calf and tearing it apart like corned beef. I pictured falling to the ground, screaming in pain as the groundhog dug out my eyes with his teeth and ate them. I pictured bleeding out in the middle of the woods in Boonton, New Jersey, no eyes, no left calf, just a pocket full of hand whittled spears and a stomach full of crab dip and possibly a new case of rabies that would ravage my dead body. I usually picture my own **** about four or five times a day so this wasn’t out of the ordinary but it definitely spooked me.

I decided to go to the empanada place down on Main Street. My brother had taken the car because he’s a fucking dick so I had to walk. The empanada place was about a mile away. I grabbed a pack of fruit snacks for the journey because I knew it would be long and I love fruit snacks anyway. As soon as I stepped outside, I felt a wave of oppressive heat. It felt like I was stepping into an oven cooking a meatloaf. I felt like a meatloaf. I smelled myself to see if I smelled like meatloaf. I didn’t. I smelled like B.O. and Old Spice deodorant I had stolen from my asshole brother to spite him for taking the car when it was obviously my turn to have it. It was pretty typical of him to do shit like that. He was probably at a diner with his friends eating grilled cheese and drinking chocolate milkshakes with whole milk whipped cream even though he has a lactose intolerance. That’s the kind of dickhole he was. He didn’t even take care of his own body.

I walked for about 20 minutes. The sun beat down on me. I wished I had a hat or sunglasses. I could barely see. The sweat poured off of me. I had a headache. The eczema on my back burned and I tried my hardest not to itch it. I opened my pack of fruit snacks to have a little treat but they had gotten all melty and I hated when they did that so I cursed (“Fuckin shit fuck”) and threw them on the ground. Some rabbit could eat them later and get all hyper from the processed sugar. I wished I had brought water. My mouth was so dry. Sometimes when my mouth got too dry it made me feel weird and like I couldn’t breathe. I got nervous that this might happen. I started collecting my spit in my mouth and drinking it every few minutes to hydrate. It didn’t feel like it was working, but this was a trick I had from when I was a kid and it usually worked other times.

Finally, I got to the empanada place. I went inside. It was nice and cool inside because they had air conditioning. Thank God. The door jingled when I opened it. I loved places where that happened. Sometimes I’d go in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out just to hear the jingle. I guess that’s kind of immature but I don’t really care. Sometimes you just have to do things for you and not care if people get annoyed or judgmental.

I ordered three empanadas. One beef, one chicken, one cheese and bean. I was trying to be a vegetarian but when it came to Mexican food, I couldn’t help but order the meat stuff. Otherwise, I’m just eating beans. I guess that’s OK for some people, but I like a little variety when I’m eating. They had the empanadas ready so they gave them to me on a paper plate as I paid my $6 cash. I sat at one of the tables by the door and bit into the beef one. I always ate the beef first because it was my favorite and then left an extra bite of it for when I was done with the others so I could go back to that flavor I like.

That’s when he walked in. Robbie Maloney. My third grade crush at Sacred Heart Elementary. I hadn’t seen him in about a decade since he switched to the public school in the sixth grade and I wasn’t allowed to hang out with public schoolers. He wouldn’t have wanted to hang out anyway. He used to think I was really annoying and I probably was. I remember one time we were at a school dance and I wanted to impress him so I did the worm for like 15 minutes. At first everyone was into it, but then they started saying shit like “Jamie’s an attention hog” and “She’s not even that good at the worm”. I was that good at the worm. They were just jealous.

Robbie was wearing red mesh basketball shorts and a pale blue T-shirt that was soaked with his sweat. The beef in my mouth suddenly felt ridiculous. I knew that whatever pleasant taste this beef brought, Robbie’s sweat tasted better.

He didn’t see me. He stared at the menu. He asked for a cup of water. They gave him one. He drank it in one gulp. He asked for more. They gave him more. He drank that all at once as well. He asked for another. They told him he had to order something first. Robbie sighed and ordered a beef empanada. They gave him more water and the empanada on a paper plate. Robbie looked around for a place to sit. At this point, I was completely overwhelmed with sexual desire. All the blood had rushed to my vagina and I was pulsing with want. I clenched my thighs and felt pleasure. The crotch of my jeans rubbed against my clit. I sighed. I do this kinda thing often and I always wonder if people can tell what I’m doing. I don’t think they can. And if they can, they don’t say anything because they’re probably doing it too. People masturbate in public a lot more than they’re willing to admit.

Robbie made fleeting eye contact with me as he scanned the room and I felt a river of lube leave my slit and fill the crotch of my underwear. It was hot in temperature, it almost burned. If I wasn’t so turned on, I would’ve thought it was my period, there was so much of it. I waited for Robbie to recognize me. I figured he wasn’t going to, so I spoke.

“Hey! Robbie Maloney, right?”

Robbie looked up at me. He looked confused. It took all I had not to squirm and scream.

“It’s Jamie Handler. From Sacred Heart Elementary. Haven’t seen you in like a decade but I could tell that was you.”

Robbie seemed like he didn’t even remember the name Jamie Handler. His mouth hung open stupidly. I put one of my fingers in my mouth to bite on the nail. I did this sometimes when I got nervous. When I was a kid my mom told me that if I didn’t stop biting my nails no man would ever want to hold my hand. It turns out that’s not true and that a lot more people bite their nails than you would think but it’s still not an attractive habit. As soon as you start biting your nails, everyone can tell that you’re nervous or neurotic.

Robbie nodded slowly.

“Sure, Jamie Handler. I kinda remember you.”

He kinda remembered me. That was fine for now.

Suddenly, I remembered how dry my mouth had been and realized that I had never gotten anything to drink. I cursed myself in my head (fucking shit fuck) and tried to collect more spit in my mouth to swallow and lube up. My underwear felt borderline disgusting it was so wet with lube and sweat and God knows what else.

“Do you wanna sit with me while you eat your beef empanada?” The words came out of my mouth before I could even realize what I was saying.

Robbie looked a little uncomfortable but it seemed obvious, I think, to both of us that saying no would be more awkward than just saying “fuck it” and sitting with me.

“Fuck it. Ok.”

Robbie sat down across from me. I tightened my thighs against each other again. My little bean was pulsing out of control. I felt flushed. Something hot ran out of my nose. Robbie looked surprised.

“Oh shit. Your nose is bleeding.” He said. He handed me a napkin. God damn it. I couldn’t believe my fucking nose was bleeding. My whole body was so turned on it didn’t know what to do. It was freaking out, self-destructing. I was known around town as a little self-destructive and I guess this instance was no exception. My body was in on what my mind usually took care of.

I said thanks and held the napkin to my nose. Blood flowed out in hot waves and drenched the napkin.

“I’ll get you more napkins.” Robbie said. He was such a gentleman. While he was at the counter getting the napkins, blood fell onto my cheese and bean empanada. I couldn’t believe this. It was so embarrassing and then my empanadas were basically ruined. If Robbie wasn’t there, I’d have eaten them anyway I guess, but he was there and if he hadn’t been, I wouldn’t have had a nose bleed so this cycle of “what if” could have gone on for the rest of my life. I wasn’t eating the damn empanadas anymore.

Robbie came back with about ten or thirteen napkins.

“Oh shit, you got blood on your empanadas.”

“Yea. Pretty embarrassing.”

He handed me the napkins. His hand brushed up against my hand. I exploded in my pants. I made a noise against my will. What was happening in my underwear was shocking.

“Are you OK?” Robbie asked.

“Yea…just…this is weird.” I felt so damn awkward. However, my body was giving me **** but to continue talking to Robbie Maloney. I wanted him so badly. Even though blood was spurting out of my nose like a rogue fire hydrant filled with blood, I could still smell his musk from across the table. He smelled like a man and a little bit like grass and a little bit like a beef empanada. I was continuously crossing and uncrossing my legs, trying to satisfy myself in any way I could. As a girl, I was pretty used to being unsatisfied, sexually, but this was driving me crazy.

“Um…how have you been?” I asked through my bloody napkins.

Robbie looked away from my eyes. He looked down at his empanada. He seemed like he wasn’t hungry anymore. He picked up his cup of water. He emptied it into his mouth.

“Um…”

He looked into the bottom of the cup.

“Good. I’ll be right back. I’m gonna get more water.”

He sure was thirsty.

“You sure are thirsty!” I called out. He turned around, kind of confused looking.

“What?”

“I said you sure are thirsty.”

“Oh. Yea.”

Robbie came back to the table. He looked at his phone. I could tell my time with him was running out. I’d never wanted to fuck anyone so badly besides maybe that guy from Radiohead in the Karma Police music video. He’s so hot in that. I watch that video when I masturbate sometimes. It’s sad and I like that. The guy from Radiohead is pretty hot.

I felt like my gash was about to explode so I just went for it.

“Hey, Robbie, what are you doing right now?” I sputtered out.

Robbie looked confused.

“Um…just was gonna eat this beef empanada then…I don’t know…go home.”

We held eye contact for a moment. I would have salivated if my mouth wasn’t so fucking shit dry.

“Can I have a sip of your water?” I asked.

Robbie handed me his water.

“Sure. Just don’t get any nose blood in it.”

I smiled. I pinched my nose with the napkins and drank some water. The tip of the cup tasted like Robbie’s mouth: beef, unbrushed teeth, hot weather, bacteria. I held eye contact with Robbie while I did this. He blushed. He was getting nervous. I wondered if he knew what was going on and if he had a boner. I thought, probably not.

After I was done drinking Robbie’s water I handed it back to him. I bit my lip.

“Do you wanna go outside and fuck?” The words came out of my mouth and we both gasped. Neither of us could believe that I just said that. Robbie blushed. He pushed his paper plate away from him.

“Jesus, Jamie, uh…are you serious?”

Of course I was serious.

“Yea. I’m so wet for you right now. I can’t imagine what I’ll do if you don’t smash me within the next ten minutes.”

I held eye contact with Robbie. My nose stopped bleeding. I took the napkins away from my face. I knew I probably had dried blood on my nose and upper lip but I didn’t care. Robbie held my eye contact. He grimaced. He shifted around in his seat.

“I mean…you got some blood on your face still.”

God damn it, I was so turned on by his avoidance. That’s what I used to like about him in the third grade. He always avoided me. He would hide from me at recess under the slide. I’d hunt him. I’d find him. I’d try to kiss him. He’d run away. That was our sexy fuck game and here we were, playing it again. Remembering all that, I couldn’t believe that he didn’t even really remember my name. Jamie Handler: the girl that you used to hide from.

“I know. It’s fine. I’ll fuck you with this blood on my face, I don’t care. I want to put your whole body in my mouth and I want to chew on you and swallow you. I want your bone marrow in my stomach. I want your everything shoved so far up my vagina that I break.” What in God’s name was I talking about? I was being violent…I guess this is the kinda crazy that I became when I go back to Jersey, when the boredom and loneliness start to eat me alive like a rabid groundhog in the woods.

Fresh beads of sweat formed on Robbie’s forehead. He leaned forward. I could smell his scent stronger than before. Rivers poured out of my hole, my underwear filled with cum and lube, it felt like I was wearing a full diaper. I could feel my fluids eking out the sides of my panties and running down my thighs. It made me think of that Ginuwine song “Pony”, the line where he says: juices running down your thighs and also the main point of the song, you’re horny, let’s do it.

“I guess…sure.” Robbie said quietly and not quite sure.

I almost screamed. I couldn’t believe my ears. Good God I was gonna get to fuck.

“Fuck these empanadas, let’s go. Now.”

I grabbed his hand. It was rough but beautiful. I dragged him outside. The bell of the door jingled and I barely heard it. I saw the people who worked at the empanada place standing behind the counter, staring at us. I didn’t care what they heard or saw. I needed Robbie.

I slammed him against the window of the shop and kissed him hard. He was a lot taller than me and I had to almost jump to reach his mouth, but I did it somehow.

He grabbed my ass.

We were in the middle of Main Street but neither of us gave a fuck. Our tongues went in circles around each other’s mouths. We were sloppy. We were ravenous.

Suddenly, right as Robbie was moving his hand from my ass to my crotch, I felt the heat of the day again. God damn it, it was so fucking hot out. What the fuck. I stopped kissing Robbie. I could tell that the heat had hit him as well. We tried kissing again but the heat of our mouths was too much against the heat outside. It felt like a swamp in his mouth, and I’m sure it felt the same in mine.

“Fuck. It’s so hot out.” Robbie said.

I tried to look him in the eyes, but the sun was blasting down so hard I couldn’t really see anything.

“Yea. What…do we do?” I asked. I thought maybe we could use the bathroom in the empanada shop, but then that revealed itself to be the stupidest fucking idea I’ve ever had. There’s no way we could get in there. The employees were all watching us now, making out on the sidewalk in front of their establishment. They weren’t gonna let us go into the gender neutral bathroom together.

“Um…do you have your car with you?” Robbie asked.

My hatred of my shit-for-brains brother came rushing back into my body. My vagina felt the rage of a thousand lifetimes. I wanted to shoot anger out of it. I felt the urge to push.

“No. My cunt brother took it for the day. I walked here. A little over a mile.”

Robbie sighed.

“Me too.”

We stared at each other.

“I honestly think it’s too hot out to fuck you.” He said.

My juices streamed down my thighs and into my socks. I looked down at my legs. The liquid was cloudy white and thick. It looked like male cum.

“No.” I protested.

We tried to kiss again but it was so disgusting and hot. I felt like I was getting a full body sunburn through my clothing. The eczema on my back screamed. I reached back and itched it against my better judgement.

“No. No. No.” I pleaded with the universe.

Robbie looked exhausted.

“It’s just, I’m so sweaty and tired in this heat. My dick…there’s no way it’ll get hard. Also, there’s nowhere for us to go. We can’t just bang on the sidewalk.”

Weird, that had kinda been my plan. Or, I guess, I didn’t really have a plan. My tight opening had been screaming so loudly and intensely I hadn’t had a moment to think logistics.

“I…”

Robbie moved back.

“Seriously. I think we gotta call it. I gotta try to walk home without dying.”

My whole soul felt like it was collapsing. I couldn’t believe this.

Robbie sighed. “It was good to run into you, Jamie Handler. Um…I’m gonna go. It’s not anything you did. It’s just that…it really is too hot out to fuck.”

Robbie walked away. I stood on the sidewalk in front of the empanada place as rivers ran down my legs and filled my socks. I sat on the ground and sobbed. It was too hot out to fuck.