The Unconventional Detective

Hello, my name is Clark Goodwin, and I investigate paranormal activities in the greater London area. I have dedicated my life to helping others in the world of the unknowns, the nightmares that haunt humanity and yet we refuse to acknowledge. At the age of twenty-seven, I have decided to write my story. Perhaps a tad premature for an autobiography, but my line of work virtually guarantees an early expiration, and I sincerely hope that this work may provide some insights for those who follow in my footsteps. The Big Smoke is by far the best place in the world to observe the things that exist outside of the natural order; it attracts all creatures ghoulish and foul like a magnet. London has everything such beings adore, a miserable populace, poor weather, lots of , and a fantastic nightlife. Monsters like to party too. Needless to say, I am rarely in search for jobs.

With that explanation out of the way, I will begin with an issue that concerns me presently. Vampires.

If one wishes to slay a vampire, the best practice is not to attempt to spear them with a wooden stake, or to hang garlic like a necklace around yourself; in both cases, the nasty creatures will simply tear your throat out. I'm sure a sharp bit of wood would injure them, fatally even, if stuck in the right spot with sufficient , but you'll never get close enough to find out. Additionally, Vampires, as far as I can tell, have no aversion to garlic, or any other herb for that matter.

In fact, the best practice in killing one of those dastardly beasts is the same as that of all creatures, living and undead; shoot them with a gun. Several times. As it happens, most things will die under a hail of bullets, and if they don't, keep shooting.

The bloodsuckers' victims are left lifeless, their pale bodies shrunken into rotting husks, devoid of fluids. The small scientific communities dedicated to such things are continually perplexed by the parasitical creatures; incredibly little is known about their behaviours aside from their fondness for humanity's vital liquid.

Vampires possess somewhat of an alien beauty; they are humanoid in appearance, with pale skin from a natural aversion to sunlight. Their eyes glow a warm yellow, like small suns embedded into their skulls. One should be careful to avoid looking into those eyes; once their stare meets yours, you will be paralysed whilst they end your life. Vampires can be both male and female, although male births are far rarer than female, by a factor of one to seven. Thankfully, infighting between the horrid species prevents them from gaining any significant population; if I had to guess London only housed three dozen of the parasites. Regardless of sex, vampires possess features and physiques comparable to human supermodels, save for the twin fangs that unfold like a viper's from their mouths. No matter their beauty, pray that you never meet one of these leeches.

Should you ever suffer the misfortune of being face to face with a vampire, there is one thing you should never, ever do with those inhuman beasts. Do not fuck one.

Unless you're me.