The Hooterville Stories

Welcome to the picturesque town of Hooterville, population 1298. Situated in the boring backwoods of the American rural country, take East Tapp Rd out of New Witchshire for about 23 miles, and then take a left on to state road 33 for quite a few more miles. But then you get to city limits at Camden Crossing Rd, cross the Montgomery river, named so for a local civil war general who saved the town during a northern invasion at this very bridge. A memorial to the battle stands on the far side of the bridge as traveller's pull into our beautiful town.

After a journey through what we call Gourmand Park, on either side the dense woods encroach upon the roadway, and the trees stand tall, blocking out much of the sun. But within minutes your car will come out into Evergreen Glade, our foremost edition to the neighborhood. Filled with beautiful wooden houses, each with well manicured hedges or tall intricate fences. The houses in this community tower nearly three stories and are quite beautiful.

But the civilians I am sure will draw your eye. Here in Hooterville we take care of our citizens. They are the strongest and healthiest of the nation, and most virile too if we might brag. The men are always worthy of being on the cover of men's magazine, issue 1966 of course. And the women of course belong on the covers of playboy of the same year.

You see Hooterville is not just any place, it's a town out if time. Despite our modern conveniences, and some appliances which surpass even your own. We are still a very homely city, embroiled in the ways of generations of sheltered Americans who had feared the nuclear threat so badly that they shut themselves off from the world. But that shelter has let us shine brightly I assure you, we took what we had and made it better. And that's our motto here, 'Making LIFE Better', plastered right on the side of our lovely town water tower over near the Sherwood Oaks community.

But welcome to Hooterville! Please enjoy our local attractions, for example Little Lotties Corner Cupboard. A little bar on the corner downtown for the gentlemen, or perhaps we might tempt the ladies instead with the SunGlow day spa and fitness lounge up the hill on Sycamore Avenue? The energy company Maximum Vector's CEO Brandon Schloss has been kind enough to develop the town into a modern resort over the last few years.

He and mayor Dobbs have been working very closely to revitalize the city with new ideas and new projects. Modernizing the city, and of course making it comfortable to outsiders like yourselves. The two of them envision the city to be a jewel of America. And you are a welcome to bask in our towns hometown warmth, and let the ilks of the big cities wash out of you.

Placing down the pamphlet in your passenger seat as you drove through the winding roads. You still found it a bit strange, a few days ago you and your spouse had received an invitation of residency from the homeowners society in Hooterville, a town which you had never heard of until then, and certainly never entered to be registered as a citizen. 'What town does that anyway?' So you had decided to check it out, it was plenty weird after all. And your spouse insisted on tagging along, which leads you here.

Shaking your thoughts from your mind you focus on the road before you, you have been driving for endless miles and are exhausted. It seems like these back roads will never end. Your companions were all asleep in the car, you were the lone driver and envied them greatly. But alas someone had to take the short straw and it ended up being you. Still your last StarDicks was back in New Witchshire, so no coffee for you to get you through the long drive.

Taking one hand off the wheel and rummaging in the glove compartment brought up some luck though, a spare energy drink from some other car ride with your buddies. You remember some good beers with them, but it's been a while. Your surprised the can was still in here. Seeing it as fate, you turn it up and start chugging it down. Hoping it would give you the rush you needed to get through this.