My trust was broken as well as my world.

The worst thing was that I hadn't suspected a thing. I had trusted Chris with my life. He had fathered my only child.

Chris had had an affair. Although he claims it was a drunken one night stand with a hooker who was milling about outside a hotel where he was staying while out on work. In short - it was a terrible mistake and everyone deserves a second chance.

The problem is, he often stays away from home. So one prostitute could easily be ten or more. And what diseases could he bring home?

Just the thought made me sick.

I had given Chris my virginity. I had been faithful to him. Kept every promise I had ever made. I had kissed a few boys at school but Chris was the only man I had ever loved. And in truth, I still do.

For this, I hate myself.

You see, Chris is a great father to Ashly our two year old boy. He is also a brilliant son-in-law as my parents love him. I love his charm too.

Also, I'm grateful to Chris for his open mindedness. I'm Hindu and he takes part in all my rituals.

Sadly, until recently I thought he was the best husband I could wish for.

Since the fallout, Chris has bought me flowers, chocolate and a new car. He has wrote me poems, planned a holiday to India and planted a commitment tree in the garden. I don't doubt that he's sorry.

But he still has to sleep in the spare room while I work on coming to a decision on our future.

A big part of me wants to leave him as I understand our marriage will never be the same. Our love has lost its innocence. The wounds of betrayal still fester under the band-aides of hope and forgiveness.

There is no point in hiding it, I want . And I want it bad. I want to make Chris feel the same pain I did. I want to make him pay for what he did in every sense. He is going to suffer. He is going to cry.

I'm going to break Chris.

Only then can we begin to build each other up and realise what we have is worth saving.

I'm going to sleep with another man. I want to know what it feels like to make love… no, not love. I want to know what it feels like to have sex. Hot dirty sex. Sex without commitment. Sex without strings. Chris did it. Why can't I?

I will.

I just need to know how best to go about it.

~

I started hanging out with the young guns at work. Socialising for Friday drinks with the sales team. There is a handsome mixed race guy called Jamal. He is clever and confident and all the women love him. Yet he isn't a man-whore. But I didn't want to become the subject of office gossip so I stuck to just flirting. But the excitement was real.

I felt young.

I then thought about a male escort. But I wanted Chris to be publicly humiliated like I was… a very public row.

Internet dating was also out because I didn't want someone I know to find me online.

I then thought about a swingers club. One in a different city. But aren't swingers usually middle aged a chubby?

The next evening was spent googling for answers

1) Keep flirting with Jamal

2) Internet dating

3) Male Escort

4) Swingers Club

A note from the Spoox: I’m a friendly author and strongly urge readers and fellow writers to get involved. I have a natural story arch for this sordid tale but open to ideas. Authors who can contribute can manage their own threads and take them in their preferred direction. Just drop me a messgae if you want more information.