Loving A Lesbian

I weave my way through the campus crowd, snow still on the ground but starting to melt in the abnormally warm January morning, its a new year but the same problems persist.

There she is, Alice, surrounded by our friends, laughter at some joke I couldn't hear, I want to go over and hangout like we used to but I know that would spoil the mood.

I pause, making up my mind, before heading to the lecture hall a different way, I'd skip the coffee and snack I'd normally stop and share with friends this time of year.

'Better to be early to class instead of opening that can of worms right now, I really mucked it up, didn't I.' Self recrimination has become my default emotion lately, 'I was willing to do any thing for her, except take a hint...'

It all began with a naive confession, a hope that perhaps she'd see me as more than a friend. But with each rejection, our friendship fell apart.

Best friends became good friends, then just friends, until what remained was a polite, distant camaraderie. Each time instead of trying to fix things, I'd pull away.

I'd mope for a bit then dive into fixing myself – hitting the gym, adopting more masculine traits and blamed my lack of for rejection, all in the hopes of winning her over on my return.

'I really thought that ignoring my friends would help the awkward feeling.'

But the cycle was relentless. With every renewed attempt, the rejection stung a little less, not because it hurt any less, but because a part of me started accepting the growing distance, the fading intimacy of our connection. Yet, I clung to the belief that if I could just find the right combination of changes, I could reignite whatever spark I thought we had.

'All I succeeded in was making myself her former best friend and our friends into her friends.'

Today was supposed to be different. I was ready, with newfound confidence and a physique I had worked hard for, convinced that this time I looked enough like the male models on magazine covers.

But before I could make my move, before I even left my dorm room, a reality check I couldn't cash hit me.

My Roommate caught me on my way out, we weren't close but for someone randomly assigned Sebastian was a decent guy.

"Dude, I don't know how you've not figured this out, everyone else knows, she's a lesbian."

"What are you talking about? She's is, was, my best friend, if that was true, I'd know."

"Which is probably what's been so frustrating for her, the rest of your friends figured it out, she's not fully out to everyone yet, I know your a bit thick headed but come on, I've only talked to them a bit but the hints she was dropping, how you missed those needs to be studied in the phyc program."

"I'm not that bad, come on give me one example." I asked stubbornly, even as a few things started to click in place and a sinking feeling developed.

"Well how about the last time she came over to hang out and you both seemed laser focused on that bikini shot in the movie?"

"That's just cause we both like the same movie stars, that was the lead actress. Nothing weird about that, right?... That felt weak as fuck even to me. Shit." The sinking feeling I had was getting stronger.

"Yep, now let it hit you, ya alienated your whole friend group over this."

"Dude, I'm starting to feel like shit, no need to kick a man while he's down."

"Yes there is, since one of them pulled me aside before winter brake and asked me to break it to you when, not if, you came back with a body that screamed '**** body' and 'a plan to win her over.'"

"Wh-what? Why wouldn't they just tell me?!" I ask, sad and frustrated.

"Because you've fucked this up so bad that I'm closer friends with some of them and I barely know them, more than one of them claim to have tried to subtlety let you know but apparently they needed someone that could be a blunt asshole and tell you off to your face. That's me I guess."

"I uh, need to get to class." I left, he knew it was an excuse but let me go. Message delivered and received.

The world around me continues its hustle, no care to the ground shifting beneath my feet.

As the initial shock fades, I find myself reflecting on our past the laughter, the shared secrets, the comfort of her presence.

I go through my day turning the thoughts over and over in my mind, trying to find something in my memories to refute the truth.

It's all tinged with a sense of loss, but I'm slowly wrapping my mind around how far off I was, 'How do I fix this? Can I?'.

Maybe this is the moment to step back, to take rejection with the grace I should have had the first time, give her space and get to apologize in the future when the sting isn't so bad for the both of us.

Its in this head space and moment that I zone back into the lecture I should have been listening to this whole time.

"- For this reason I need to impart an idea, sometimes its not your methodology that's at fault, sometimes its your data, bad data collection and application can corrupt even the best methodology. For this reason you can't just assume where the fault lies when you get an unexpected result, review everything before-"

The acceptance slowly growing in me is crushed as the stubborn and **** part of me finally finds something to grasp onto.

I have hope again and a plan slowly forms.

With a grin I burst into my dorm room.

"Dude?"

"Sebastian! I need you to make me a woman!" I declare with all the conviction of a Priest turned Used Car Salesmen, offering no money down.