you try to deal with this

I thought for a minute, totally miserable at the situation she had put me, I couldn’t hate her though, I still loved her terribly. “Alright Andrea. I will try…but on one condition…I don’t believe it is over between us and you can just forget what we have? I know in this body it would be hard for us, but I’m still your husband inside. I will become Marsha Gates. I will be the best wife, grandmother and mother I can be…but in a few months, when things have settled down, I want some weekend alone with you again to see if you really think we’re over…”

Andrea cut me off “Steve...no...you know what your asking is wrong!”

“As wrong as asking a heterosexual man to live as another man’s wife?” I snapped back.

Andrea paused, a look of disgust passed across her face. “OK…fine…but I make no promises on what I will do other than have a weekend away with you”

I sighed “Fair enough. When is your father…I mean my husband coming to pick me up?” I shuddered saying that.

“Thank you…mom” she said warmely and touched my arm “Dad is coming tomorrow. He knows your awake but I’ve convinced him to let you rest one more night. I will come back in the morning to help you get ready, now why don’t you get back in bed?”

I gave a wane smile and climbed back into bed, wincing as I realised how much stiffer my new joints were. Andrea handed me a copy of Vogue…a woman’s magazine.

“Here I brought you this to read. I’ll se you in the morning mom”

“Thank you…dear” I responded, feeling that I was in some kind of bizarre role play.

After Andrea left, I sobbed gently to myself for a bit. Then I decided to read the magazine Andrea had left. I flicked it open and squinted at the page but the words were all blurry. I shifted the magazine backwards and forwards, before I realised that my perfect 20-20 vision was gone. Marsha needed glasses to read. I took a deep breath and choked back a sob and called a nurse.

“Yes Mrs Gates?” A gorgeous young blonde nurse asked as she entered the room. God, being a woman wouldn’t be so bad if I was as young and fit as that.

“Do you know where Marsha’s…I mean my glasses are please?” I asked wincing at the sound of my voice. How many times had I mocked her voice to my friends, holding my noise croaking demands to get a laugh? Now it was my voice for life and every time I spoke, and heard that nasally husky smokers voice come from my mouth, Marsha would have her ****.

“I have you tried you purse Mrs Gates?” she asked passing me a brown Chanel handbag from the bedside cabinet.

“Oh thank you” I replied and opened the bad. Rummaging through the first thing I came across was Marsha’s menthol cigarettes. The packet was slightly open and the long white filters caught my eye. I immediately felt a huge craving to pull one out and light it. It was almost irresistible. Oh god no! Not that! I can’t deal with that as well!

“You should think about giving up smoking Mrs Gates” the nurse chipped in “The doctor said your lungs are not in a great condition”

I threw the packet angrily back in the bag and pick up the glasses instead. “Thank you nurse. That’ll be all”

I put the glasses on and tried to distract myself from the craving I now felt. But it was very difficult. God… I had never smoked once in my life, but I now had the lungs of a woman who had smoke 20 a day since she was 15! Tears stung my eyes as I bent my concentration on an article about bra types.