A black screen.

Have you ever felt… not so fresh?

The voiceover booms out in a dark and disturbing, almost demonic tone.

Whether you’re dealing with lunch or the severed heads of your enemies, you want things to stay fresh. Sure, you could use an ice pack or your grandmother’s Tupperware, but ice packs take up so much space, and who has time to dig up grandma’s corpse and go through her unmarkd grave to find that last existing babydoll pink servalier that she was buried with when you blew up her house?

An image of the aforementioned nearly skeletonized grandma lying amidst tons of rubble that was probably a house.

You live in a fast paced reality where time is of the essence and life is meaningless. When some fucker decides to shank you for your lunch, can you defend yourself with an ice pack? Or would you rather save that space for a hand grenade?

An image of one of the classic blue ice packs being shattered by a large Bowie knife.

Instead, use Ziploc! Now with head preserving technology!

This commercial contains chemicals known in the state of California to cause cancer and birth defects or other reproductive harm.

Proposition 65,

California Health & Safety Code

Section 25249.6 et seq.

An SC Johnson Company

An image of a penis going from rock hard to limp.

Tired of this happening to you?

This voiceover is dark, sexy, feminine.

Cialis and Viagra are great unless you’re one of the people who experience a catastrophic blood pressure crash. And honestly, do you really want to admit, even to your doctor that you can’t get it up? Nothing makes you feel like less of a real man.

Camera pans up to show the crying face of an effeminate male in his mid twenties.

Stop pretending to be something you’re not!

Everybody knows you’re really just a sissy bitch.

Montage of the same man buying lingerie, shoes, makeup.

Give in to the girl inside and recognize that true satisfaction is in giving

Cutaway to the same man on his knees, hair in pigtails, at the center of a blowbang.

Lockthecock.com

It’s not like you were using it anyway.

Is this ever you?

A pair of teenagers make out on the couch of a livingroom. The male goes to reach down his partner’s pants when suddenly she turns into an Evil Deadesqe zombie and gets ready to rip his face off.

Well no more! Thanks to Zom-Be-Gone!

The male pulls out a spray bottle.

Zom-Be-Gone’s patented formula of holy water, hydrochloric acid, liquid nitrogen, and our own special desiccant is sure to deal with whatever kind of zombie is troubling you.

The zombie howls in pain as it simultaneously freezes solid, starts melting, bursts into flames and shrivels into a lifeless husk.

In these trying times, with the zombie apocalypse right around the corner you need protection you can trust. You need

Zom-Be-Gone!

From The Houston Cleaning Company, the makers of Orange Clean, in conjunction with Ronco, Rite Guard, and The Umbrella corporation.

This product is for external use only. Side effects may include freezing to ****, third degree burns, melting flesh, coughing, sneezing, vomiting up wooden splinters, suicidal ideation, pacts with demonic entities, liquification of internal organs, four hour erections, impotence, and rising from the dead to seek the flesh of the living. Do not taunt Zom-Be-Gone or it will kill you. Zom-Be-Gone has not been evaluated by the FDA, CDC, or any other government organization.