Yeah, That's A Pretty Good Indicator

Funny how, when panic sets in, logic goes out the window. Adrenaline just rushes through your veins and you stop thinking about reasonable things and appropriate responses. You stop thinking about what you should do or what makes sense to do and you just react in a blind panic and god that reaction is never the best reaction you could have.

I mean I could have thanked her. I could have thanked her and taken the wallet and then politely pointed out that you don't need to have a wallet to have cash. I could have reminded her of the piggy bank that was sitting on my dresser, the one she had no doubt seen the night before, and argued that there was at least a good chance and a very likely possibility in fact that I had noticed my lack of wallet and corrected the situation by grabbing cash out of that and bringing it with me because I was heading downtown and knew that I would need it.

Given that I'd never accepted the premise that I had taken a cab, I could have gone back and denied that as well. I could have said that Lucas gave me a ride down when he was on his way because chances are she didn't know that he was out of town on work.

I could have said that someone picked me up, a stranger. Could have said that, when I saw the bus pass by, I burst into tears and was noticed by a generous stranger. A kindly old sort in a righteous profession who saw me panicking and in need and decided to help me out without asking a dime for it. A priest maybe. Maybe not.

But the point is that there are so very many options out there. Given any situation, really, there are so many options and so many excuses. There are so many ways out that don't involve doing something stupid. All you need to do is keep your head, not panic, think clearly, and respond with logic and sense.

And do I really need to remind you that the girl speaking here is also the one who panicked and sucked the cock of a cab driver because she didn't have the cash to cover the fare? I mean, reasonably, how much expectation is there for me to keep my head? To respond with logic? To make sense at all?

"That's mine," I say, snatching it out of her hands as if it's illicit.

And instantly I know that my actions have sold me out, if nothing else has. I blush hard as I watch her stifle a laugh and I know that I'm completely done in. She knows what I did. I just confirmed it.

"Jesus," she remarks after I manage to awkwardly shove the wallet into the bag I've got slung on my back, "I mean I was joking but you really did..."

I give her a pleading look. Full on furrowed brow and big eyes begging her not to press it any farther and at least she's not judging me. But then Rachel would never judge me for that, strangely.

I have to wonder how exactly she is so free, so uninhibited. What made her like this? What made her so readily able to jump in with both feet?

It strikes me that I really don't have the first what the answer to that is.

And I remember last night and what the Baba Yaga told me about in my dreams. How coming here and embodying this version of myself wasn't just an opportunity for me, but was one for everyone. I had reset everyone and had seen to it that the futures they once had were no longer a certainty. They had just as much a chance to change as me.

And reason followed that they had just as much a need as well.

What had made her like who she was? What had made Blake? What had made Eddie? What had made them this version of themselves and what version of themselves did they want to be?

I didn't know, but I knew that the Baba Yaga was right. I had the chance to change that for them.

I had the opportunity to help.

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